Endurance

 I've been in a funk.  I've been doing a lot of thinking.  Maybe too much, I don't know.  It'll be the sixth birthday of yours that we do not get to celebrate together.  I'm trapped, I can't seem to break free.  Only when I'm completely consumed at work is when I'm not completely consumed by the hollow.  I'm trying to be supportive I really am, I'm just stuck.  I feel neglected, alone, like it doesn't matter if I'm here or not.  I shouldn't feel that way, you have your own thoughts and memories you're dealing with; fresh, raw, painful.  Time to myself is not kind to me.  It occurs to me the world would get along fine with or without me.  I can't seem to get along fine without you, not today anyway, not this week, this year rally hasn't been easy either.  

I remember you saying you wanted me to die first, if we didn't go together curling each other's toes.  I still think of that broken toe of yours.  I would comment "gee thanks" when you said you'd rather me die first, you were being serious because you did not want me to be alone.  That was your fear in life was being alone.  I still remember us talking that night so long ago on the east side of Des Moines in that small apartment on Walnut Street.  Here we are, well here I am, because you are no more, I am the one that lived.  I guess it's better this way, I wouldn't wish this on anyone, especially you.  In 103 days it will be 6 years, six years without you. 

take care,

I still struggle, even 5 years later

 Today was a really great day.  Had a load of fun with your princess, though she would not want to be called that these days.  We delivered presents to doorsteps and ran off so we wouldn't "get caught".  We even had a bit of a conversation about you.  She was curious about you, almost like she doesn't remember, how can she really.  You were gone and she was only 8 years and 2 months old.  When you stop and think about it, we only start to barely remember things at age 4, it gets better at age five, I'd say by six and a half to seven more solid memories are in place.  She doesn't have too many of you, just the stories we've told,  What are memories really, little snippets of time. I signed up for the Christmas desert week at work.  At first I thought about buying cookies, then I decided to get the tube of dough and just heat and serve.  For what ever reason I decided to actually bake from scratch cookies.  I made oatmeal raisin and chocolate chip.  I think our daughter and her baking past time inspired me.  I ended up baking solo tonight, we'd had a long day and she is one that needs her down time.  I understand that and do my best to respect and give her that time.

  As I was baking tonight I realized, this is the first time I've volunteered at work to bring a homemade food item.  In the past I would volunteer and you know it was me volunteering and you doing the work.  It became such a funny joke at work I started writing your name down next to the item you would prepare.  It truly became an ongoing joke at work.  I was also reminded of the rum balls you made for coworkers so long ago.  This time I volunteered, wrote my name, filled in cookies, and I did all the work.  After five years, five years of filling up the car with gas, driving to every occasion, doing all the grocery shopping, making or should I say getting dinner, you'd think it would be sunk in by now.  It felt like it was an instance where I know it's really true and you're really gone. 

Went to a funeral this week, well kinda went to a funeral.  This world we are living in these days is so out of the ordinary and can be difficult and overwhelming.  I was in supportive mode, looking out for the other.  I understand what it is like to loose a parent.  I was the first member of the club, at least from our generation. Membership I shared with you, our daughter, and now the newest member, my chapter two.  We all have a different path within this club, deal with things differently, different experiences have brought us to where we are and how we grieve.  I still remember you sat in that room just staring at a screen listening to the same song over and over.  I know your mind was thinking, or maybe I don't know that.  For me I write and put my thoughts to words, if that make sense or not.  I still remember when my Mom died you reminded me we had a little girl to take care of, that kept me from drowning and kept me in the present.  Who knew five years later those words would still be in the back of my mind, keeping me grounded, giving me a reason to get out of bed.

Add another five years and here I am sitting at the same dining room table we sat so many times.  I'm sitting in your spot, now our daughter's spot or my Dad's spot depending on who is here.  I can see your chair from here.  The old man sitting there with his young daughter, the old man who really wasn't old, but became frail, so thin, so weak, even your hair was coming back white.  The strong man gone, but your mind never left always always intelligent, quick witted.  Those last few weeks you were here in this house sleeping in the living room, the only place you could find comfort, me on the couch.  We had a system, a routine, a way to make things work even those last days.  We even devised a way to get you in and out of the car, leaning on me as I would pick up one leg to put in the car then the other.  I'm thinking of a puzzle where the pieces fit perfectly to create this beautiful image. I was asked what I think about when I love, I answered as honestly as I could.  I give and I give, it's just what I know, it's not something I think about.  I'm sure that sounds absolutely conceited.  I don't know why I love you, it took me a while to figure out I did, I still remember the night I knew.  Like what my Mom told me as a young woman, you'll just know when you've met the right person.  I had honestly given up, but then I moved away, spread my wings so to speak.  The shelters removed.  That night at the dance party, when we danced it was that moment "I just knew" that's when in good times, in bad, in sickness and in health began for me.  By God 17 years later death did us part. 

How do I know now?  I don't know the answer to that.  It feels right.  We're trying to create a beautiful image, the puzzle pieces are coming together, little by little.  My focus seems to be in the detail, the here and now.  You see the big picture, the beautiful image that will happen. I still struggle, even after five years I still struggle.  It is another night, another day is done, it's now 5 years, 9 months, and 12 days later.  I think I'll focus on the last 76 days and how much better they are compared to the six months before that, even better yet, focus what is here right now.  Alas I am tired and should sleep.  What a day from the highest high to the bottom.  Tomorrow will come. 

take care

  

  

I can't remember

 I am terrible company tonight.  My mind is going everywhere and no matter what nothing seems right.  It hurts to smile.  I have no energy.  I don't want to say anything, I don't want to seem needy or a debbie downer.  I'm tired, not just physically and mentally, I'm just tired of all that is.  The sun has set and I await it to rise.  Maybe a shower will help, if only I had the energy to go.  It hurts to smile, I'm tired, I'm having a hard time finding the good, all I seem to have is the empty.  The isolation of our world right now does not help.  I catch myself staring into space and drifting away.  Every little thing brings me somewhere, I'm drowning in this wave.  These memories are all brining tears not one smile or laugh, I can't even bare to say or text the word, it hurts to smile.  Tomorrow will be better... I hope. 

My sixth without you, you are so far away.  I can't remember what you smell like, I can't remember how the skin felt on your face as I caressed it with my fingers, I can't remember anything, the sound of your voice, the sound of your laugh.  I have pictures, but I can't remember. Why are they gone, why can't I remember.  

better

 Better and better.  Today was better than yesterday.  A starting over.  It didn't hurt today, yesterday was shaky and scary, today was better.  Making progress, going forward, catching up.  Just to think it's all because I found that little case.  I  was content, well not the right word, I was alone and crumbling.  It was so difficult to navigate this path, it was dark even on the sunniest day.  Today is better than yesterday.  I don't want to hear "I told you so, it had to be this way, it had to happen this way"  

Let's just keep making today better. 

take care

That's why

 Ok, so my days off from work are difficult, that's when I have too much time to let things seep inside.  Funny because I'm too damn tired to do anything on my days off so my mind allows the grief to take over.  Feelings and emotions are so overrated so is thinking.  

What doesn't kill me will make me stronger. 

take care. 

Forgetting

 I'm drowning, maybe just treading water.  I can't seem to find joy, laughter.  I'm forgetting what it feels like to be loved, to be liked, to have my opinion sought after, respected, to have a conversation, a discussion.  I'm going through the motions of day to day activity, the hollow is swallowing me.  Do I need to be here? I'm only here because of her, I don't feel like I have purpose.  She doesn't realize but I do need to be here for her.  There are times I fell like I'm failing her, everything so serious.  I feel like you're not even here in this space anymore.  It's like I've lost you, lost the place I could reach out to you.  This page is just my head now, my empty soul, the hollow, the void, the darkness.  When you first left I searched for something from you, looked for some sort of sign, a symbol I could hang on to.  Nothing.  Your belief in science, your theory of just turning off made me think that search was foolish, not that you thought me foolish.  Just the opposite, you respected my opinions and beliefs and so in return I felt my search for something of you after you turned off was disrespectful.  If only you had given me something to hold on to like you did with her.  Yeah I know I'm strong, but I'm not strong here I'm falling apart. 

The swing is gone, they just took it away.  It's just one more material object that is gone, one more thing we shared that no longer exist in my realm.  In 1,999 days so much has changed and you feel further and further away.  

I miss you handsome man and I miss me. 

take care   

1,989

It's been 1,989 days.  That's how many times the sun has risen and set.  

The second chapter has ended, his words.  It's painful and though it seems the chapter ended more than once in the past six months, I think this time it's closed.  He closed the book and pulled the bookmark.  Funny how a book analogy comes to my mind, that was not something we shared, though during one of those rewrites we tried to connect over a novel.  Decisions no more, it is done.  I did all this six months ago and now I am here repeating all that pain again.  Alone.  

My dear friend from years ago, a friend we've kept in touch over the years is ignoring me and I don't know why.  Was there something I wasn't seeing, something he wasn't telling me? I thought the friendship was solid, but I've been gut punched.  To say it's been a tough few days is an understatement.  

Overwhelmed. Tired. Hollow.  Isolated. 

The sun has set on this day and it will rise tomorrow. 

take care

part two of the day

 so much on my  mind, I've returned for part two I suppose.  There is this weight on my chest, I'm teetering on a decision.  We talked about being a parent tonight, it's seems it's all I know anymore.  I am by no means complaining, it is the best part of my life being her mom.  I just miss being a wife, a partner, a trusted friend, like ultimate trust.  I still remember an issue at work from years ago and there was a miscount and lots of uncertainty.  Your words stuck with me and I still hear you say them.  You said if they found the object in our house and I said I did not put it there, you would believe me.  I remember there were days I would call because things were so challenging at work I just needed to hear your voice, to hear you say you loved me.  Now, work is challenging yes, but now there are worse events in life than a tough day at work.  Getting a phone call from the school counselor because your princess was struggling, having her own challenges dealing with you being gone.  I had to be that voice on the other end of the phone, the calming, loving voice.

I'm not a single parent, that adjective describes your marital status, the choice of degree of involvement. There is a choice for single parents an entire spectrum from sperm/egg donor to helicopter.  I am a solo parent, on my own, being the fun one and the heavy, the one that breaks the rules and the strict one.  

I don't know why today has been so difficult, maybe it was the club meeting.  Maybe it was the reminder of all the memories coming.  I may have been the one to choose this path, but it still makes memories painful for me.  Maybe it's the isolation of the society we are living in these days. 

Maybe it seems I'm feeling sorry for myself.   All I know is that I'm stuck.  I'm unsure where to go from here.  Status quo I suppose.  No decision making right now, not tonight.  I'm tired, not sure where this is going.  I'm just rambling.  Why would you love me, even still? I think I'm back to being scared again, this time it's not a fear of moving forward, the guilt that came with that.  This is a fear of making a mistake, the fear of being alone.  That was your fear at 25, not sure why is it my fear now.  It's not really a fear, I can do this on my own, live my life solo, not being a partner, not having a partner.  It's not a fear, but more a sense of dread that comes and goes.  Why do you love me? I feel undeserving. 

take care, 

swirl

 So many thought swirl in my mind.  A decision made, I feel like I can't go back.  I have to stick to my guns, where ever that phrase came from.  Am I just being stubborn, am I being too harsh?  I don't think harsh is the right word.  Too much drama, I don't like drama.  I am so conflicted, questioning, if I make a choice do I loose my self respect.  Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.  Could the word hurt be substituted for fool in that phrase?  What about the "math lesson" Jesus tried to teach, forgive 7 times 70 or some thing along those lines.  In my defense, it's not the forgive part, it's the other half of yet another phrase, cliché... Forgive & Forget.  I've forgiven, I want friendship, but if I'm completely honest I wanted more, wanted a companion to share this life, wanted a partner, I just feel that opportunity is gone.  

It really comes down to trust, funny how that exact topic came up in a coffee conversation with my fellow club member today, a club we never wanted to be a part of, yet here we are.  He asked me what is the most important thing in a relationship.  My answer, friendship, for him it's trust.  We decided we both meant the same thing.  Alas, I digress, Marías still influences my entries  Trust.  I don't trust you with my heart any more.  I leave out details. I do my best to think before I speak or text in this day and age, I've always tried to do that, not wanting to hurt feelings with words I share or be misunderstood. In the here & now many times my mind says, he doesn't need to know that; where as before when I trusted you with my heart, let all the defenses down with you, that phrase of he doesn't need to know that never crossed my mind.  That's what hurt the most, still does if I'm being completely honest, this place more than any other lets me do that, be honest.  I can still hear & read your words from my memory, I'm not angry, just hurt & confused. 

What would you call her if you were still here?  You have been gone longer than she has memories of you.  That brings tears to my eyes and opens the chasm, the hollow that has tried to swallow me so many times.  I suppose it's a blessing and a curse, 

Fuck, I just realized our cat knew you longer than your princess, that is fucked up.  Again I digress, I hear something, see something and my mind just goes to a place of you not being here.  I'm trying not to be swallowed. 

A blessing and a curse, she does not have a hallow that threatens to open and swallow her, a debilitating presence that makes her go numb.  It's been five years and five months.  I suppose I'm being hit by a wave, but not really.  It's hard to explain.  Some times I think it would be easier to drown and be swept away, but that whole strong thing keeps me grounded for better or worse.  

Tomorrow will still come.

Miss you handsome man. 

take care. 

N

 Falling apart

Alone

Empty

Hollow

Tired

I don't know why I'm in this place right now.  It's a painful echo I feel in my gut.  I shall escape, alone, empty.  I don't want to be anywhere.  No where. Ache. Nothingness.  Today

No words tonight

 

farther away

farther and farther away.  You're still in my thoughts every day.  I've taken out our rings a few times the last few days.  I miss you so.  I'm reminded of so much these last few days.  A co-worker lost his bother-in-law to the same wretched disease that took you.  I just now realized you lived exactly 11 months from the date of your diagnosis.  How did I not realize that before?  May 9, cancer diagnosis, May 11, Mother's day, fucking Mother's day we were given the primary location and stage of the cancer.  Exactly 11 months later April 11th you were gone.  It's been five years and I sit here falling apart, my heart pounding.  You are so far away, my mind struggles to remember things.  To hear your laugh, to feel your arms, to bury my head in your chest.  I am so tired, so exhausted.  I can't anymore tonight. 

take care,

getting it all out.

Words have meaning, they do hurt, deeper than sticks and stones.  Words resonate. Gaslighting might be too strong of a word, but it fits.  Your words have me doubting, I've replaced all the blocks and walls and start again to move forward. Though I'm not moving I feel stuck, my  mind will not shift, it remains in the past, the what if I did ... what if I just... all of those thoughts swirl in my mind; like it's my fault.  I tried. I was not listened to, I was not taken seriously.  When we talked about fairness and you mentioned it's something you've struggled with for a while, you said you understood life is not fair and that it never has been and never would be, you said you knew that you struggled with this and expected things to be fair though your brain knew that was not how the world worked. This is what I understood. I felt I was being punished because the world is not fair.  I've said many a times I couldn't live tit for tat, you appeared to have agreed, but then your actions would not follow suit.  That is my interpretation, that is how I saw it; that is how I felt.

The morning you called me on the way to a momentous occasion, you were angry with me.  Angry I couldn't be there, not taking the circumstances into account, just angry. You talked about an array of topics all in those few minutes on the phone.  When you brought up supporting me at the hospital as a point you should have been given, adding them to more points then I could ever catch up with.  That was hurtful, I realize you were angry at the time, but there was honesty in your anger. It was at that moment I felt I could not ask you for help again, as you know that is a difficult task for me to start with.  I felt what I did to support you was not counted or my efforts were not enough.  I did not keep track or keep score I just gave what I could & I felt it just didn't add up in the end.
 
I asked about your favorite book, I read that book, we talked about it joked about it.  I learned about the things in life you enjoy, the games, the characters in those games, how you played, what you played.  I asked about them, I tried to be encouraging when the game didn't go your way.  Did you know what book I was reading, the characters, the story line?

I came to you in CA and painstakingly laid out how I felt and even a few ideas how to improve & asked for your input. I was so scared and nervous about it I wrote it down & was shaking as I shared my thoughts.  It seemed to me you took it defensively at first, then I think you understood where I was coming from and I wanted us to fix things.  We had a discussion and I was hopeful we understood each other. Later you would make a joke about me writing down how I felt to share with you.

 I was so excited to share my roots, my hometown, when I would see something of my youth and exclaim with excitement, you kept saying "that doesn't mean anything to me" because you didn't know what or where I was talking about.  That hurt too.  I listened as you talked about your trips to Wadena, your adventures with your friends near the old target, I asked questions that provoked stories of your youth. You compared me talking to you about MM as the parents in front of us in line talking about SW to their 4 year old, it didn't mean anything to her.  Thinking about that day, that entire day, brings tears to my eyes as I sit here remembering.  You cursed at me over a stupid water bottle.  It was not the happiest place on earth for me.

Fairness.  How the ring you chose cost so much.  How it's not fair the woman gets the fancy ring, but the man does not.  Yeah, words, they hurt.  How you came to support me at the hospital, on one occasion you just showed up, more points for you.  How about when you brought me food at work, yep slide another marker over, you're ahead.  What about flowers at work, keep those points rolling.  When you helped with fall chores, bag after bag we filled. how many points do you have now? I didn't keep track when I attended concerts, when I brought goodies to work, or stopped to have lunch with you.  I didn't keep track when I asked about poker, when we'd stay up all night chatting about what it was like for you for 20 years. I didn't keep track when you were there when I found an old note tucked away & you put your arms around me as I just sobbed.  I didn't keep track when you made such a big deal to celebrate my birthday.  I didn't keep track when you came up with the idea of our annual fall picnic.  Even early on, I was distraught that I needed so much more help and you did so much for me, I even talked to J about it.  Her words made me feel so much better, she said something like this: you need more help than he does, you have a younger child & you're in a different situation, it's not a competition.  Words, I took them to heart, they made me feel better, too bad two and half years later they did not ring true. 

I tried again in March.  I asked about our communication skills, how we were out of sync for months.  Again, fairness came up.  This is when you shared you struggle with fairness and how you know life is not fair, but you wish it were.  I expressed how I felt I was being punished for the unfairness, you acknowledged that.  I asked how long do you think it would be for you not to expect everything to be fair, what would it take to make that happen; you said you didn't know.  That is not going forward, I will not live my life tit for tat, life is not fair we've all had our lessons, we all have our stories.  I asked for friendship, but that is not meant to be.  Words of never finding anyone to treat me as well keep being repeated.  Words of future failures with others, saving me from hurt, I just have to experience it for myself, that's how I'll learn.  Life is not fair.  Life is pain my dear.  I feel like giving up handsome man.

take care

pushed

An emptiness, not like before, not a hollow.  Assurances made, I had my hopes up, again, and here I sit in knots, torn up.  The sun will rise and it will set, I need to escape.  It sounds crazy, but I feel like I was pushed away, the more the same words were repeated, the more agony I felt, the more I was pushed away.  I need an escape, a distraction,  mind candy, mind numbing, something.

take care

Directions

North
South
East
West

How to get from place to place.  Navigation.  Guide.

NORTH
True North
North star
the bold North
The Good Witch

SOUTH
South for the winter
went south, as in poor outcome, gone rotten
southern hospitality
southern drawl
mild weather

EAST
wicked witch
East coast
fast paced
bad side of town

WEST
beach
wild wild west
new frontier
relaxed
new part of town
sunset

Some people have a sense of direction and to others these are just words on a map.  Directions get us from point a to point b.  In a voyage, an adventure, a quest directions can be helpful to achieve the goal.  In life there are times when traveling on a path, direction is not required, simply moving, moving forward is all that is necessary, all that is possible. 
The idea of two new directions where put into my head, at this point I don't know how to characterize this person, for now I'll say game master.  The direction of Stam & Renn.  I'm not 100% sure which is which, but here's my understanding. 

Stam: inner, inside, within.  The direction to pursue in order to soul search, to think, to contemplate.
purpose
moral growth
escape

Renn: outside world, reality, North, South, East, West, are part of Renn.
practicality
ambition

I like to think I experience stam when I run, I just go and not worry about the renn.  My thoughts running faster then my feet, letting them all collide.  When my feet are exhausted and my  mind is clear I return to renn and find my way.  Adding music to stam enhances the experience, for me anyway. I've said this of late, I want to run again, to escape renn and revive in stam.  I want to discuss these ideas, hear the opinions of the game master, learn what other philosophies await us.  

take care, 

choices

Choices. 

Am I really trying this again? Am I setting myself up?  

Choices, it's my choice, it's his too.  I tried this before and got burned, got hurt.  Then I cut everything off, shut it all down.  I went for the pull off the band-aide quick method, painful yes, but after some time the sting goes away.  He chose to put the band-aide back on and let it dangle.  The wound is still there, not healed, not scabbed exactly either, but also not fresh.  I'm cautious, not trusting, and my defenses are up, all the walls in place.  Trust is fragile, once broken it can be put together, but it's not the same, like putting together a broken vase.  The cracks are there, full of rough edges, the vase is not as pristine, instead it has character.  There is a story to tell, the vase might go up on a higher shelf to keep it protected, out of reach.  It may not be the first choice for a beautiful bouquet of flowers, but it's beautiful in it's own right.  I'm not sure where this analogy is going, just like I'm not sure where this choice I've made will lead.  I made this choice out of kindness, something I wanted from the beginning.  When I learned it couldn't happen I chose to pull off the band-aide, that was just over a month ago.  Here I sit wondering about the choices I've made and will make. 

take care, 

I remembered

I remembered, I didn't forget.  I do care.  I struggled with how to mark the day, I chose to do so in my heart and my mind.  It may seem cruel, not to acknowledge to you personally, I felt it was cruel to do just that.  You may not believe it, but it's painful on my end.  I'm doing what I think is best, again you may not agree.

take care,

then & now

It's a new day.  An exciting day.  Anew.  I'm in a better place.  

then and now

scared                            excited

fragile                           reinforced

secretive                       open

empty                           confident

needing approval         all I can think of here is Frank Sinatra My Way

I think you'd be proud, the minimal experiences I've had; I've learned from.  I've analyzed and I've grown.  

I totally know it's early days and the excitement is what is propelling me forward, but that's how it's suppose to be.  

love you handsome man. 

still do always will

take care

new home

You have a new home now.  Still above the fireplace, next to pictures, your candle, and notes we wrote on the toughest days.  It's an absolutely beautiful home, my favorite is our picture engraved, it's just amazing.  I hadn't been to that place since I brought you home, actually I couldn't drive, AS had to bring us home, I couldn't leave you there after the service.  It was hard going back there.

I will end for now and maybe reflect more later. 

take care,

The pre-fix of self.

Selfish, no.  Angry, jealous, yes.  That's how I should characterize my feeling of you being gone, not being here anymore.  If I am being completely honest with myself at the risk of sounding arrogant, pretentious, I don't think I can be selfish.  Everything I do, I do with thoughts of someone else.  Be it our daughter, you, my family, my friends, strangers in need, anyone around me actually.  The family outside the store on a hot summer day with a sign asking for gas money to get back to Texas, their kids in the back of the van with the gate up, even Texas plates.  I feel for them, I bring them a case of bottled water. My passion for social justice, volunteering, reaching out, again I hope I don't sound egotistical and boasting. This is my safe space I suppose.  Some say that is empathy: the ability to understand & share the feelings of another, the care for others, without even knowing who they are.  I take time to come up with a verbal response many times because I'm thinking how will that person hear those words, what feeling will it incite.

When I chose to end the chapter, it wasn't that I didn't want to work on it, it was that I tried to work on it, I wasn't taken seriously.  I listened to your stories of 20 years of negativity, of pain, I was not going to permit that for you or me, call it self-respect, call it a heart breaking necessity.  Yes that chapter was wonderful and had many great parts.  I tried to fix the parts that didn't work, came up with ideas, I was not heard, not taken seriously.  It's not selfish to want happiness in this life, I'm not picking and choosing.  I chose self-respect and self-care, that is not selfish.  To continue a cultivated relationship as friends is not selfish, a lesson I must remember.  Friendship requires more than one, there is always a choice.  I am not forcing the choice I need to remind myself of that, free will.  

choice

what a roller coaster day.  I'm mentally exhausted.  Isolated.  More walls, or higher walls, not sure.  Forward with caution.  Am I making a mistake? The picture was askew, a sign maybe? There's an explanation, it just came to me.  Not a sign, science.  I am worried about things to come and I dare not share.  I will rely on my strength, a gift, a curse, a necessity.  I can do it alone, I've done it before, not by choice then, but by choice now.



 


take care

two

Two trees share a yard.  One was your favorite and holds a reminder of you.  The other planted less than a year ago in honor, a reminder that you have been gone just over a year.  The first tree older, stronger, symbolizes how long you've been gone. Time has made the tree stronger, survived some storms, many winters, withstands the elements. The pain of missing you is there, will always be there, we're stronger, we've withstood several winters, several storms, and the leaves comeback in the spring.  The young tree is fragile, it survived it's first winter and learns how to withstand the elements and already it blooms. 

This caught my eye one day as I was pulling out of the driveway.  It's where we are. 

Something has been on my mind as well.  Change.  Is it truly possible for a person to change?  People don't like change, so I've been told.  Change, is it possible for a person to change their outlook, way of thinking?  I've been told it happened and the old is gone.  I'm not sure, I hear the words, I want to believe.  I've paid attention to those that know you, have a history.  I've heard the stories of the past and how different you are now, that makes me wonder.  I am more than likely putting too much thought into all of this, I need to live each day as it comes, one at a time.  My walls are still up, guarded, protecting.  One day at a time, but it is nice to smile and laugh again. 



take care,

Hearth

Hearth

by C**

Many people ask me why don't I go to the Americas

I just smile

One day a rich man came to visit

Old man, why do you just sit there when you could get money from me 

I don't want money I am already rich I say

Why just sit here and be sorry, when you can go to the americas and have a mansion to live in

Because I already have enough I say

I have something most don't 

I have a heart and a spirit and my hearth is still with me

That is much more important than travel

the rich man stares at me then he leaves me to my hearth

I found this in a file on our computer, written by your princess in 2017. 

love you handsome man. 

take care

sunlight above the trees

“Sunlight Above the Trees”

a song by C. S

with help from R. 

I see sun

Sunlight above the trees

Sunlight in the breeze

Sunlight for you and me

When the sun goes down

I fall to the ground

Sun, why did you leave

Then morning comes

And the dawning sun

Wakes me from my sleep

Sunlight above the trees

Sunlight in the breeze

Sunlight for you and me

Day goes by

Drifts into night

I get tucked in tight

On the pond

Rests a graceful swan

Makes me so happy

Sunlight above the trees

Sunlight in the breeze

Sunlight for you and me

Tu Risa

why do I keep finding shit?  You'd think after five years I'd found everything by now, why today?  Too many damn questions, no answers.

I saw this book of poetry today in the office, the place where your princess does all of her schooling these days.  There was a book mark, I opened it and this is what I found. 

YOUR LAUGHTER

                                                   Deprive me of bread, if you want,

                                                   deprive me of air, but

                                                   don't deprive me of your laughter. 

                                                   Don't deprive me of the rose, 

                                                   the stick you thresh the grains with, 

                                                   the water splashing

                                                   swiftly in your joy, 

                                                   the sudden silver wave

                                                   born in you. 

                                                   My struggle is painful.  As I return

                                                   with my eyes sometimes tired

                                                   from watching

                                                   the unchanging earth, 

                                                   your laughter enters

                                                   and raises to heaven

                                                   in search of me, 

                                                   to open all the doors of life. 

                                                   My loved one, in the darkest hour,

                                                   unsheath your laughter. 

                                                   and if suddenly 

                                                   you see my blood staining

                                                   the cobblestones, 

                                                   laugh, for your laughter

                                                   will be for my hands

                                                   like an unsullied sword. 

                                                   Near the sea in autumn, 

                                                   your laughter must rise

                                                   in its cascade of foam, 

                                                   and in spring, my love, 

                                                   I want your laughter

                                                   to be like the flower, the rose

                                                   of my resonant homeland. 

                                                   Laugh at the night,

                                                   at the last day, at the moon, 

                                                   laugh at the twisted

                                                   streets of the island, 

                                                   laugh at this clumsy

                                                   young man who loves you. 

                                                   Yet when I open my eyes

                                                   and close them, 

                                                   when my steps go, 

                                                   when my steps return,

                                                   deny me bread, air

                                                   light, spring, 

                                                   but never your laughter

                                                   for I would die. 

                                                                                   Pablo Neruda

                                                                                               translated by 

                                                                                                     Ilan Stavans

      

done for now

Why am I so fucking angry?  Don't give me the stages bull shit.  Did you know there is a 'national widow's day'?  may fucking third. why do we need a day.  why is this hitting me so hard right now? I want to run, I want to ride my bike so fast and just go, but I don't want to leave the house, let alone my fucking room.  I think I would feel so much better if I just went outside and ran, I don't want to be around people though.  Where would I go? I know what direction I would head, I am so fucking lost right now.  I don't want to burden anyone one, but I feel like I'm going to explode.  I'm trying to keep things together for her, I really am.  Why is this so fucking hard right now?  What is different about now?

done for now.

Possibility

It's Saturday and I sit outside on my deck enjoying this beautiful day in May.  This is the day you proposed to me, for the life of me I can't remember the year.  1999 or 2000.  I think it was 1999, it doesn't really bother me, though maybe it should.  I remember all the details of that day, it was a Tuesday the day before your pay day.  It definitely threw me off.  You had asked me to go out to dinner with you, made plans a few days before.  I almost took a shift at work, but I didn't because I told my co worker that my boyfriend made plans for us.  I'm so glad I didn't take the shift.  We went to Mondo's.  I had my favorite, chicken marsala and you had salad.  That really should have been a dead give away something was up.  Little did I know you had fixed it with the waiter, had a plan and everything.     You palmed the engagement ring to him and I had no clue.  We were having a lovely time as usual, just talking and enjoying each other's company.  Then the meal was over and we were waiting for the offer of desert.  I saw the waiter come out with something on the tray on fire.  I said to you, oh I wonder if that is one of those deserts lit on fire, "is it called a flambe?"  then I changed my mind and said something along the lines no, it must be somebody's birthday, how sweet.  Then to my utter surprise the waiter stopped at our table, candles on a small desert, you next to me on one knee proposing.  I don't even remember what you said, I was just absolutely happy.  I'll never forget that day.  We had an early dinner, it was like 4 or 5.  You even asked me to drive, you were so nervous as I later found out.  I remember driving home, just driving really, on cloud nine.  Not sure where we were, just happy. 

I learned today that five years can be a big deal for some people.  I thought it was just me being silly.  My grief is not silly it's real.  It's proven to be too much for one.  He even said I loved so deeply that's why I grieve so deeply.  I don't want this grief to be an obstacle, but it's part of who I am, who I have become.  I'm still in a selfish mode it feels.  I'm trying to utilize my experience to be helpful to others, I should say I'm trying to learn to do that.  I still get angry when I hear about cancer survivors, that's terrible I know.  I still get a bit sad when I see couples enjoying themselves together, I get very sad when I see dads and daughters playing frisbee.  It's been five years.  I thought there was a new chapter, there was a new chapter it just didn't develop into a full blown story. 

Super K said something the other day, I told her about the promise you made me recite.  I don't need to search it out, just be open to it.  That makes sense.  I think I only began because I was tired of being alone, emotionally and physically.  She also made some purchase recommendations and told me a great story about Chuckles.  She's been a good friend even when you were sick she was there.  I'd call and just ask for a joke, she knew.  I also have another friend that's been there, a friend before I even knew you existed.  As a matter of fact it was this friend that helped me choose what path to take, the path that led me to IA.  I guess you didn't realize that, you were never a fan, probably because of my college crush that lasted over a year on my end.  After some strong encouragement from a mutual friend and I finally got the courage to express myself, it was done in a matter of minutes.  It was brutal for that young girl, but it was honest.  Funny it was then I decided I would be okay if I stayed single for my life.  Looking back that was silly, I was very young, 24 in fact, and I decided a single life would be just fine.  It was only then when I wasn't really trying things started to happen.  I guess I take that back just a little.  I remember meeting someone on line, yeah even way back then, not sure how it all happened.  Any way I had already met you and you and I were friends, just amazing friends.  That's how we started.  We spent entire nights just talking.  Me on the couch you on the orange velour chair, up until 2am talking about our fears in life, our hopes in life.  I remember to this day you saying at the tender age of 25, you were not afraid to die, you didn't want to be alone. I think that is why at the end of your life I made sure there was always someone there if I couldn't be there myself.  Any way I digress.  You and I were amazing friends, I think that is so important for any relationship, well a relationship that is important.  Little did I know you were developing feelings for me.  As I said somehow I had this date with a guy, you were over as I was getting ready.  I was going to wear tights, it was October and I was already getting cold, so I asked your opinion on which pair to wear.  Ribbed or regular, you said ribbed for his pleasure, I think I gave you an eye roll.  You had feelings for me then and I just didn't realize.  Later on the multi-cultural night we would dance and it was the most natural thing, we were completely in sync.  I'd never felt that before and I really have not felt that way since, we were on the dance floor and just moved together, we anticipated each other's moves.  It was that night I realized you were the one.  I know that sounds so hokey but it is absolutely true. 

A friend of mine said he likes what he sees in the mirror, that got me thinking about what I see.  That's why I feel I'm still stuck in that selfish mode. I have to accept that there is a very good possibility I will be alone.  That wasn't my fear when I was young, that was yours.  I don't remember what my fear was in my twenties.  Our daughter is what got me out of bed every day, all those days you were not here.  The days I didn't want to get out of bed, the days I didn't want to be.  I'm not there anymore, I have meaning beyond our daughter, meaning  in people I help, volunteering, work.  Even that was a bit too much for one.  I am who I am, trying to not be selfish, trying to accept the possibility. 

I love you handsome man
Here's to possibility.

take care.

The map

Trying to think of something good, something positive.  I have no desire to do anything.  I've turned to distraction once again, zoning out, not engaging.  I've retreated and want to stay in my fortress.  The isolation is becoming harder now.  Yes I go to work and help others the best I can, there is fear, anxiety, and an overwhelming sense of wanting to help and make a difference to someone. That is my passion, to help, why I chose the career I'm in, why I volunteer at church. Something I learned as a kid from my Gram, always volunteering.  It's hard at work to hear the complaints of others and the negativity, to feel my efforts are looked down upon.  I'm so angry and depressed and feel hopeless all at the same time.  There is no energy, no desire, just the hollow.  I just want to be alone sitting in my chair zoning out, yet I want to be on the couch laying next to you feeling that safety, that belonging, that comfortable embrace.  I am here with the hollow, doing my best to not let that show.  She's come so far and I'm grateful for that.  She's surpassed me on this path, again I'm grateful. 

It's hard to breath, the hollow is growing.  As I reflect on my path I survived because I had someone to help.  When my Gram passed away I had my Mom to help.  When my Mom passed away that was a different dynamic, I had you.  You reminded me that I had a little girl to raise with you, to help,  and that always stuck with me.  When you left this earth I had her to help.  To absorb her pain, her anger, be the person she could lash out at one moment, then have the hug to hold her as she wept.
 
I imagine a walk through the woods, trees on either side of us, not knowing what was ahead, staying on the path trying to find our way.  I really don't have to imagine, we've being taking those walks or hikes since it became just the two of us.  My dear friend introduced us to camping and the solace of nature.  We were on the path of unknown, it was so very dark, scary, anxious.  You made that suggestion, took us under your wing and gave us a map.  You literally gave me a map, I still remember our first trek up north.  We weren't camping, but it was a trip away just the two of us before I went back to work.  You gave me a map of gooseberry falls.  I took your advise because I didn't know what else to do, I was so lost.  You literally gave me a map.  That very first trip she I and took alone was so difficult, there were so many emotions in those few days.  It sparked something though.  We began to walk and hike.  We joked, told stories, made up games, got lost and found our way again.  The trail was never known to us, we started and didn't know where we would end up, we just trusted and had faith we would come out at the end.  We always did.  Faith is not a substitute for caution, we followed the signs, stayed on the path.  I remember one trip at Fort Snelling we got really really lost, there were no trail signs or directories, we came across a woman & her dogs in the woods and we asked for directions, she was so kind and helpful.  She walked us back to the path because she knew those woods so well and told us it was tricky to find your way.  That happens so much in life, we were lost and I asked for help, usually such a difficult task for me to do.  Funny though I'm always willing to help if someone asks.  I wonder if it was easier to ask because she was a complete stranger, why is it harder to ask for help from a friend, for me anyway.  If I'm asking for help for her though, that is never hard to do.  It's really only for myself I struggle to reach out.  I finally let myself do that again, to reach out, to let down all my walls and defenses.  To truly let someone in and see everything.  It proved to be too much, I was told, maybe in anger or maybe in pain, either way it was raw honesty.  I was told my passion for my work and my grief was too much and I couldn't give enough.  Honesty.  Good or bad I went back to my fortress, the calendar changed, isolation continues, she thrives, it hurts to smile, I catch myself watching her, laughing at her quick wit, the hollow is swallowing me, I need distraction, to zone out.  I really need to force myself on the hiking path, to find that map, to keep going, maybe another day I'll take that step.  For now I will stay in my fortress and contemplate the map.

I miss you.

take care

stuck

Five years, it falls on the same day of the week this time as well.  Here I sit alone, in more ways than one. A painful yet necessary decision.  I have no words to share.  It seems I'm alone in the duo on this day.  Don't get me wrong I'm glad she's not down, well she hasn't arisen from her slumber so we shall see.  It just goes to the point she only had 8 years, three or four with actual memories.  I had 17, yet felt like a lifetime and didn't.  I was cheated.  I know you had 20 and cheated had a whole other meaning.

It's different this year.  Other circumstances have made their mark.  The isolation, two fold really.  The one that started 10 months ago and the ordered isolation which compounds the emotions.  I miss the daily contact, the jokes, the understanding of each other, it's painful.  That hurts more right now it seems, more than the turn of the calendar, more than the day, more than the memories of so long ago.  Different dates bother me, different numbers.  In ten days there will be another day, another memory, another reliving of the events.

It seems no matter what I do I can't climb out, I'm stuck.  Words said in pain and anger keep swirling in my head.  I take everything to heart, it's how I'm built, I can't seem to let it go, I need to let them go, but I care too much, too much empathy.  Is that even a thing, to care too much?

The pieces I put into the puzzle didn't count, at least I didn't feel like they counted.  I learned all I could about subjects I had no interest.  I took an interest, I asked questions, I cared.  I listened to words, I planned a trip to fulfill a dream, to make a 'someday' come true.  Life is not fair, we've all had our lessons on that topic.  Yes we try to make life fair where we can, I just feel my efforts were not seen.  Failed and defeated. I truly hope the future brings success & a thriving friendship, maybe that's too much to hope for, too much to expect.  For now I must remember the sun will rise, the sun will set.


take care

1000

Dvorak, something I just discovered.  It's beautiful.  I still remember Stravinsky's The Firebird, sitting next to you.  The music filling the auditorium, sitting next to you both of us enjoying it.  I miss those.  Of late the orchestra was not a shared enjoyment, a very thoughtful and selfless gesture, one I appreciated.  The music was so moving for me. 

Da mi basia mille

You probably already knew about Dvorak or maybe you didn't, I'll never know.  You're getting farther and farther away. To share Dvorak, to share the music, to share a story, to share a moment.  

4 years 11 months 26 days. 

9 years 11 months 27 days.  

11 months 15 days. 

Nearly 10 years ago you were there, helped me through all the firsts and all the seconds and thirds and held me tight.  I was called stoic, and told I was strong.  Nearly five years to the day you were gone.  I found comfort and solace in a friend and nearly a year ago that is no more. I really hate April. 

The new chapter has ended and yes that hurts too.  

The sun has set and it will rise and tomorrow will come.  Another day, though the days of late are anxiety filled, fearful, helpless, no, not helpless.  Not helpless, helpful, I'm the finder of the silver lining after all, the bringer of sunshine, teller of jokes, really really bad jokes.  It was nice to laugh today, someone cares, that is always nice too. 

take care, 

calendar

A turn of the calendar, a new month begins.  A new reality of fear, anxiety, isolation.  Trying to be the light, the finder of silver.  The turn of the calendar, all of a sudden there's no energy, struggling to find the light.  I can hear the waves in the distance, the sound of peace, tranquility until it comes violently to the shore, all with the turn of the calendar. 


take care

the horse

done is done
what a time to be living right now
find a balance, choose a path
on the horse

Little things remind me all the time.  The time, make a wish, for what ever reason I seem to catch the clock at the mark more often.  Saying something at the same time, no more I owe you's. 
No more negativity, there was always something.  I know I'm the silver lining finder, I hope to someday talk again.   No idea what I can handle, what I have handled.  No more second guessing.  The spring is here.  New life, uncertainty in so many aspects. 

Me finding the silver lining, finding good in today's society, bringing good to today's society.  Writing notes, reassuring, listening.  Hoping. I want to share that with you, but I don't want to bring pain, I still care so very much.   Today's world allows for a slow down in some aspects of life.  Distance. Tomorrow, I do not know, no one does.  It's one day at a time, we'll figure it out.  Today's pandemic is full of one day at a time, we'll get through it  and those can be scary in an uncertain time.  It's not foreign to me, I've lived the one day at a time, we'll figure it out, the dreaded we'll play it by ear and the sympathetic you'll get through it.  I can handle it, don't tell me what I can't handle.  I like the sentiment expressed by so many today, we're in it together, we'll get through it.  I can handle that too, I prefer the optimism. 

As far as the horse, I think I'm at the brushing stage, offering a sugar cube, maybe even a peppermint. 

miss you my dear,  love you handsome man.

take care

don't dare

it's that time of year, the beginning of the end.  It should be a time of renew, it's still too much.  Are the differences too much?  Have I built up enough credit? I'm afraid to ask.  The hollow is here and it's consuming, it seems more than before, alone, empty. I don't dare, I'm afraid of karma.  I'm drowning, alone, deservedly alone.  I'm not ok though I may say, the walls are returning, my fortress is needed.  When will spring be a good time again? You seem so far away, the words you'd say I can't remember anymore, my throat is closing, I'll never be understood again.  There is too much negativity, so many complaints if things are not working as expected, even gravity.  I'm losing the balance, it's so difficult to smile, to find laughter.  I need to keep it together for her, she does not need to take care of me, I need to be there for her.  I don't think she remembers like I do, which I am grateful in a way.  I still have the notebook with all my notes and questions to ask.  The last pages with notes of your funeral.  I remember you being transported to the next building via ambulance and the moments you had outside with the sunshine on your face was just bliss, just those few moments.  All the choices I made in March, choices and decisions I made, those choices and decisions led to you never coming home.  I was so absolutely torn, wanting to stay with you every moment, but I had to be there for our daughter, it was so much for her to handle.  All the last minute changes, the playing it by ear, that's why I do what I can to not play it by ear, it's a harsh memory of what life had to be, a life where I had to watch the man I loved suffer and there was nothing I could do to ease the pain.  I read to you, I found your favorites as best I could.  I did the best I could, yet I couldn't bring you home, I talked you into staying and you never left, for that I will for ever be sorry.

take care

Ulysses & Main

Ulysses and Main

Joseph Marone

Knowledge is power,  I hate that phrase now. 

I'll never forget that red light as long as I live. 

"How do you make a marriage last 50 years?"
don't get fucking cancer, that's an excellent start

Ulysses and Main, the phone call that changed our lives, life is so fucking unfair. We'd never see 50 years, fuck we never even saw twenty or fifteen for that matter.

I don't want to be learned about. 

Why am I so angry?  Why now? 

Why did You have to take away my friend? 

You both gave something to her.  You planned a special token which holds a very special place in her heart and she sleeps with it every night.  Why didn't you think about something for me?  I don't want to hear the "always in your heart" bull shit, because that's what it is. 

Even the sudden exit didn't prevent a special object to be found.  She keeps it in her pocket.  It was meant as a thank you gift for Christmas for the volunteers.  Again I've got the "always in your heart" bull shit.  I don't know why I am so angry. 

The operating room is coming, she did not come home and I fear he will not either.  I can't believe I'm putting these thoughts into words, something to blame myself for later.  I do not have that kind of power, my thoughts even into words do not have that power.  Does God? Is that a real thing, power of God?  It sounds so blustery.  Power and God don't go together.  I think of comfort, I try to anyway.  I think things just happen in life and we can seek comfort, one of those "always in your heart" kind of comforts and you know how I feel about that.  But, power, no.  Power has such a negative connotation any more.  It goes along with greed. 

I can't answer the question, not honestly, not with words you want to hear. 

You had a way to help me let go of things, I miss that most of all, well there are lots of things I miss most of all.  It's hard for me to wait & see, to not think about the things I can't control.  I miss your yin to my yang. Maybe I'm only remembering the good, like so many people have said happens.

I'm tired, I'm lost, I'm scared.  I don't want to be at the red light on Ulysses and Main.  I'm fearful I'll say too much, go too far, and you'll just be done.  I'm fearful I'll always be the one to give in and later resent myself.

I've had enough.  Where is He now? Where were You five years ago?  Where were You nine months ago?  I don't want to be strong anymore, I've been told by so many people that I am so strong, well fuck you.  I didn't choose to be strong, it's what I fucking am.  I make my choices in life, I do my best to be helpful, to not give the bullshit answer, to actually do something.  I put actions behind my words.  If I tell you I'm there for you, I'm fucking there for you.  You don't even have to ask, I call you, I check on you.  I ask about how you met, I ask about what you did on his birthdays as a young couple, I enjoy your stories, share how I can picture her doing that as a toddler.

She's had so much loss in her young life.  People taken away, she'll not have one Grandma story she can tell, not one.  She barely has any Daddy stories.  She never even transitioned to Dad.  Please don't let there be a red light on Ulysses and Main. 

hurts

I miss you my friend.  It hurts tonight.  I've been working on the yearly project for the group you introduced me to.  I found a passion, a way to help people in our world.  It hurts. You'd be so proud, we have so many projects submitted.  We chose three really great ones to help.  You'd be so proud.  I miss you, my friend, my confidant.  I so miss you.  You understood the role I have of helping with care of my Dad, you shared the same ideas and goals of parenting. I miss you so much, I don't know why tonight, it's so hard.  I went to a funeral the other day, brought back memories of my Mom.  I was 34 when she died, older than your girls.  Life is definitely not fair.  Tomorrow we get more info, a decision to be made.  I remember you calling after the first radiation just to see how things went, to give support. 

I feel friendless. 


take care,