The pre-fix of self.

Selfish, no.  Angry, jealous, yes.  That's how I should characterize my feeling of you being gone, not being here anymore.  If I am being completely honest with myself at the risk of sounding arrogant, pretentious, I don't think I can be selfish.  Everything I do, I do with thoughts of someone else.  Be it our daughter, you, my family, my friends, strangers in need, anyone around me actually.  The family outside the store on a hot summer day with a sign asking for gas money to get back to Texas, their kids in the back of the van with the gate up, even Texas plates.  I feel for them, I bring them a case of bottled water. My passion for social justice, volunteering, reaching out, again I hope I don't sound egotistical and boasting. This is my safe space I suppose.  Some say that is empathy: the ability to understand & share the feelings of another, the care for others, without even knowing who they are.  I take time to come up with a verbal response many times because I'm thinking how will that person hear those words, what feeling will it incite.

When I chose to end the chapter, it wasn't that I didn't want to work on it, it was that I tried to work on it, I wasn't taken seriously.  I listened to your stories of 20 years of negativity, of pain, I was not going to permit that for you or me, call it self-respect, call it a heart breaking necessity.  Yes that chapter was wonderful and had many great parts.  I tried to fix the parts that didn't work, came up with ideas, I was not heard, not taken seriously.  It's not selfish to want happiness in this life, I'm not picking and choosing.  I chose self-respect and self-care, that is not selfish.  To continue a cultivated relationship as friends is not selfish, a lesson I must remember.  Friendship requires more than one, there is always a choice.  I am not forcing the choice I need to remind myself of that, free will.