Friday, March 17, 2017

scattered

Tuesday everything starts again.  I've been thinking about you a great deal I've also been thinking about my Mom too.  Every thing is flooding to my mind, the memories bring back so much pain.  I am so tired, yet I don't allow my self the rest my body and mind so desperately need.  My chest hurts, literally hurts, it's difficult to obtain a full breath of air.  When I move my upper body it feels like my breast bone is trying to escape my chest.  I am so tired I am not making sense.  My fingers move across the keys and the words just come from my thoughts, scattered and everywhere and no where.  Where are you? I'm tired of being alone.  I give up, I will go to bed.


love you handsome man

take care

Tuesday, March 14, 2017

The consuming hollow

Hello Handsome
It's been a rough few weeks.  I've been cooking lately, I think you'd be proud.  We're remembering things that happened two years ago.  I can't believe it's been two years, you feel so much further away from me.  Time does not stop and it cycles, so many memories, trying to remember the happy but the pain continues to consume the day to day.  At this moment I feel nothing, except empty and dread.  It's like I'm choking, suffocating on the hollow that fills me, takes the space where the happy memories should be.

I'm moving forward, without you, that causes me so much guilt and pain.  Our little girl is so different now, she's funny and clever and so many things you'll never see.  She loves to read and she is so creative, she's coming up with ideas for books and stories all the time.  I'm doing my best to foster that creativity.

This is not easy, it never was easy, before it was a team effort we leaned on each other we balanced.  It was you and me doing everything together, figuring out what was best for her and for us.  Now it's all me.  There is no team, no reassurance, no sounding board to figure things out.

take care

Tuesday, March 7, 2017

moment to share

I have crashed.  I'm stuck, I can't get out.  I'm struggling and so is your princess.  She cried for 45 minutes tonight.  We told stories, we cried, she felt better before she went to sleep.  I am so tired, but I won't let myself get into bed, I just want to sit here, aimlessly look at social media, I want to talk to you.

You know those jokes we had just between the two of us, there are so many times something would happen and it would be that perfect moment to share that laugh.  I smile and sometime catch myself chuckling, but there is no one who gets why it's funny.  There is no one who gets many things at all.

It hurts to smile these days, I haven't felt like that since shortly after you left this world.

My eyelids are heavy yet my soul is empty.  I shall sleep and hope for a better day tomorrow.


take care

Sunday, March 5, 2017

beginning of the end

It's a new month, a new season is coming.  Spring, new life, the return of growth.  I'm stuck.  I was doing great and having some wonderful days, happy times, laughing, confident.  I'm tired and I've fallen and I don't want to get up, I don't want to keep going forward.  I just want to stay in here.

Our daughter & I were talking about planning for the summer, and she said, "now that we're a family of 2" my heart just fell like a rock, thud.  She is so much older now, so mature, critically thinking, she is so quick witted like you.

I still remember that March day when we were outside, you in the gurney being transported from the ambulance back into the hospital after your therapy.  You just wanted to feel the sun on your face and see the outside.  It's the beginning of the end.  That's what's bothering me.  Spring, new life, bull shit, it's the beginning of the end, the end of my purpose.  I convinced you to be admitted, I convinced you to stop treatment, I convinced you to give up.

It's not fair god damn it!!  I just got through the holidays, the horrid lonely worst time and now the spring brings back the most painful memories.  I have no purpose.

It doesn't matter if I'm here or not, yet tomorrow comes.

Saturday, February 25, 2017

any more

Hello Handsome

I really should be asleep, I'm tired of being alone.  I'm sitting here with so much on my mind, yet I don't know what to say.  I don't want to run out of things to share with you, this is all I have left of you, a mere screen where I just reflect my thoughts and memories, a place to share the actions of the day.  I have nothing right now, just this empty void.

I actually had the energy to cook tonight, it was damn good too.  I'd say even your palate would have enjoyed tonight's meal, really enjoyed it not just saying it's good or giving me the honest husband response of not bad, but truly would have been proud.  I'm still trying to make you proud, I never had to try when you were alive it just happened.  Now I feel like I try and try and just fail.  I don't know.  I do know you don't want me to be like this, but I just can't help it.  You would want me to move forward, but I'm stuck.  Just when I think I can go and take a few steps forward, actually I have moved forward over the past 22 months, it's mostly happened over the last six weeks or so.  I just feel like I'm hitting a wall, I don't want to leave you, yet it's absolute agony to stay where I am.  I don't want to be alone any more.  

I love you handsome man

take care,

Thursday, February 23, 2017

Release

Hello Handsome

I sit here and look up at all your pictures above this screen.  I see you in your graduation picture so proud with your tassels and medals and gold stole showing the world your brilliant mind, a mind I know so well and love so much.  I can't believe you're gone, it'll be two years this April.  I miss you so much.  I'm trying to keep a promise I made to you, maybe now is not the right time and maybe the time will never come.  We shall see.  I do need a release.

I love you.

take care