Monday, February 12, 2018

It's coming

I'm tired my love.  I don't feel any better even after a shower.  It's coming, I can feel it.  Spring.  A time when the snow melts, new life begins, flowers bloom.  It's not here now, it's cold and dry out, harsh, but it's coming.  I can remember you enjoying being outside, letting the sun hit your face that day in March.  You were coming back from your radiation treatment, before I did what I had to do.  The sun hit your face and it was a glorious moment for you.  Spring is coming, the season of life, just not for me and our daughter.  Spring reminds me of your death, the end of your life.  We had one last week together at home, Spring Break 2015.  We had our trip to Paris that week, passports and all.  We even had airplane snacks, an inflight movie, and upon arrival we visited the louvre.  All things you'll never do, never a stamp in your now expired passport, your eyes will never see the Mona Lisa in person, not even a plane ride across the ocean.  Those somedays never came for you, when they arrive for your princess & me it will be amazing and painful all at the same time. 

Your princess has grown up so much since last you and she spoke.  She's not a princess anymore, parish the thought really.  She is quick witted like you, enjoys browsing the bookstores, she's excellent with direction, and she is quite a young lady now. 

The hole is back, I feel like it's swallowing me whole.  I'm drowning, I'm overwhelmed, it hurts all over again, I don't know why.  There is no why, there is no timeline, there is no reason. I am hollow once again. 

I love you handsome man.

take care.

Thursday, January 25, 2018


Surpassed.  I saw a message about a friend's wedding anniversary.  Our years are being surpassed by couples that got married after we did.  No more remembering how many years we were married  by looking at the current year and just subtracting one.  It would have been 17 years this year; it stopped at 13 years for us.  No more.  Friends that looked to us as marriage role models are celebrating anniversaries beyond ours,  I don't know why that hurts so much?  Seeing that post, seventeen years.  We didn't even hit a big milestone, no 15 year or 20 year celebrations for us. 

I have another anniversary coming up, Saturday, it'll be 24 years at my job.  Something I started before you were part of my life and now you're gone.

I looked at your obituary today, don't know why, but I felt the need to read it again.  I'm a decent writer when I need to be and I'm very proud of the words I came up with that day in April.  One of the hardest things I had to write. 

I'm tired love, I'm run down, I'm drowning, I'm trying. It really hurts there will be no more years to count. 

All this from a simple expression of joy.  I remember working with this friend a little over three years ago, she was so kind.  She mentioned something in the news about a young woman choosing to give up her fight with cancer and her explanation to her husband, it was very sad and it was a topic on the radio.  This friend who celebrates 17 years tonight said something about the story, I politely asked if we could talk about something else.  She didn't realize how it affected me and she felt bad.  I did not say anything in particular, I just asked to change the subject, I'm sure once she realized it reminded me of what was happening at home she felt bad for bringing it up.  I didn't know until much later, but this friend secretly called you and asked you to call me at work.  You did of course and you made me laugh as usual and made everything better. 

There were so many times even before you were sick, I could just call you from work and hear your voice.  I knew everything would be ok from just hearing your voice.  You would tell me you're proud of me.  I'm starting to forget all the little things you use to say.  I don't like that.

Grow old with me
Come home safe
I'm proud of you
Olive Juice

I wonder what sayings you would have had for your princess.  You exclaimed Carpe Diem every day to our Norwegian son, every day before you dropped him off his junior year in high school.  I do remember you asked your princess if she had fun, be it at school or a gathering of friends, or after any time really. 

Another year for her as well, another candle on the cake, you'll always be "Daddy" never transitioning to Dad.  I went from Mommy to Mom, and your title will never change though she has in so many ways in nearly three years now. 

My mind is everywhere tonight and it's stuck on one place.  My head hurts, my heart breaks again. When will this end, never I'm afraid.  Every happy occasion will be sprinkled with sadness because you are not there to share in the joy.  In a few months your princess will move on to the next phase in her education.  No one to ask, did you have fun?

I am so tired, my body aches, my head hurts, and my insides hollow.  The day is done.  Tomorrow will come. 

I love you handsome man.

take care,

Tuesday, January 2, 2018


Yesterday we celebrated your birthday.  I say yesterday, only because I do not allow myself to sleep tonight.   It was a lovely day.  Today it hits.  The start of another year without you. You're getting farther and farther away from me, I can't remember your voice any more.

I looked at your phone today, I read your text messages to your princess and realized you started a message to her and didn't finish or send.  I just left it in the box awaiting to be sent. All it read was Hey. You loved her so much.  Now all she has is me, I am doing my best, love, I promise.  It just came to me, we decided to only have one child so we can give her everything, wouldn't have to divide anything in half.  There would be no questions of favorites, she would have all the love from two, that was our thinking.  Now she only has me, the love of one parent, half.

God I miss you.  I also looked at our text messages.  You loved me so much and I loved you with everything that I am.  Those messages reminded me of all the little jokes we had between us, the kind that only you and I would understand at the mention of a word or a picture.  Like Beethoven's favorite fruit and what that alluded to.  Gman was a nickname for our cat, these days Gman is a nick name our daughter came up with for Grandpa.  Life has changed and your not here to see it.  One of your favorite authors was awarded the Nobel prize in literature last year, Kazuo Ishiguro.  I know you would still be pulling for Javier Marias, but you've enjoyed and recommended quite a few Ishiguro novels.  There are songs being composed your ears will never hear, newly arranged pieces of classical music you'll never enjoy, you won't hear pomp and circumstance played at our daughter's graduation.  Only half of us will be there to hear those notes played, only me.

Tonight I feel like half of me died two years, three months, and 11 days ago.  The half of my soul that carried the happiness, the hope, the passion, that half is gone and a painful hollow has taken it's place.  My mind tells me the sun will rise tomorrow and time will pass.  It will get better in the tomorrows to come, it is not tomorrow right now, it is life.

I love you handsome man.

take care

Wednesday, December 20, 2017

It's just a fact

You'd think I'd be use to it by now, the cards, the mail, that was once addressed to us and now only bears my name & some that have my name and your princess.  Well, it's still a reminder, it's still there, it doesn't hurt as much as before.

Kinda of a silly thought, social media puts together videos of your pictures for the past year.  This is the first year you are not in my pre-made video feed.  It's really just a fact of life, a fact that is still hard to fathom sometimes, a fact that can still bring tears to my eyes even on the best days.

On that same social media site, it brought up a video I made three years ago, not knowing at the time it would be your last holiday season with us.  You're howling with our dogs, God I miss you.  You had a way about you that kept me grounded, kept me from worrying too much, brought the silly back into the day to day.  You kept me from worrying too much, reminded me to let go of the things I couldn't control and just let things happen. 

I remember hearing or seeing something, all happy moments will have a speck of sadness because we'll remember the happy memory and remember you were not here to share them.  I'll never forget how happy & proud I was to see your princess cross the finish line of her first cross country meet, yet tears came to my eyes, both tears of joy & sadness because you were not there to see her. She is such an amazing young woman.  She is funny and getting quicker all the time, just like you.  She loves to read, has a thirst for knowledge and understanding for how the world works, why people make the choices they do especially now with all that is happening in politics.

This is our 3rd holiday season with out you, another fact.  Eventually the number of holidays without you will be greater than seasons with you, I dread that day, that year.  It was only 8 we had as a family of three, and only half of those would be in the memories of your princess.  Facts. 

Memories of you last months on this earth flood my memories.  I remember sitting with a friend in December of 2014, sitting in her living room, a woman I've turned to as a mom, asking her if this was your last Christmas.  Walking you to the car as you took each painful step, your last trip out of our home, a place you would never see again.  I still feel so bad for the words I said to you as we pulled out of the garage, I promised later I would bring you home, I did, but you were in a box and that is where you stay.  You're in a box on our mantle, another fact of life.

I love you handsome man.

take care

Tuesday, November 14, 2017


What is it?  I don't know why.  Will this ever stop, probably not.  Your princess remembered cave time tonight.  You would nap and she would watch a show under the covers with you right next to her.  As I picture that I see her sitting under the blanket, but in my mind she's sitting on your side of the bed, not really your side anymore.  It's now her side of the bed. Maybe I can't picture you there because this mattress that was meant to bring you comfort and relief from pain, never did.

You truly never comfortably rested in this mattress.  You slept in the chair, a lot.  I so wanted to lay next to you, the couch had to suffice. I did lay next to you one final moment, once everyone was gone.  All the tubes were removed, the devices in place to make you comfortable all removed so our daughter could say goodbye, and remember you not with all those tubes, but at peace.  I still remember the moment, saying your name, waiting for that next breath.  Making the phone call to have your princess come to the hospital.  She still talks about diving for rings when you died.  The night before, Friday,  we had our final book group, really just a social gathering.  People came, brought food, we talked, people came to see you.

I remember telling my brother he had to wait before he came in that awful Saturday morning.  I know I hurt his feelings, but it had to be done.  She needed time with me in there just the three of us, one last time.  Finally, after everyone left and decided to go down stairs I laid next to you one last time. Then I had to get up and leave you.

A Saturday five years prior I had to make a phone call, he answered and all I said was "she's gone", then the next call I made was to you, though you already knew because you heard the house phone ring.  There was no removing the tubes for my Dad, she was just gone.  The two people she loved the most in this world were there next to her as she drew her last breath.  I felt so bad leaving her there, all crumpled and tubes every where.  I felt like I abandoned her, there was no sense of peace, she was just gone.

I don't know why this is all flooding back to me now.  I just realized my Mom's birthday is on Sunday, maybe that's what it is.  I do not know.  This all started with your princess missing you something fierce today.  She really struggled tonight, I think when she talked about it she felt better.  I took her pain and tried to comfort.  Here I am talking to you.

I know I should try and reach out, but it's still hard for me to ask for help.  I don't want to be a burden and be selfish.  I don't want it to be about me all the time.  Thanksgiving is also just next week, I sure hope I'm not slipping into a crevice, a place where I shut everything out and enter survival mode, hide in my fortress.  I don't want to be in my fortress, but it's safe there.  I really want to share the holidays, I just don't want to share this misery.

I love you handsome man.

take care,

Wednesday, November 8, 2017

your words

I came across the list tonight.  The list I've been told about, the list that our daughter's babysitter had.  She promised to give it to me, just as soon as she found it after her move.  She's all grown up now, and your princess is more and more grown up as well.  Funny thing, the list has not been found by said babysitter and yet I've discovered it on my desk.  I don't know how it got here, I've never seen it before in my life.  I nearly threw it away, I was decluttering the desk and there it was.

You wrote this list when our little girl was seven years old.  A list of books you felt were important for her to read in her life time, "probably in her last few summers before going off to school" those were your words.

I sit here and read your words over and over.  The two lists of literature. A total of 24 works.  Reading and literature was such an important aspect of your life.

your words still haunt me and bless me all at the same time.

Lists aside, it is a pleasure every day to see her delve into books, to swim in the pages of some great story, or to be able to read aloud to her or to watch as my wife reads to her.  
Reading can be an act of love, one of the most pure. 

I plan to collect these 24 works of literature, hopefully some of the titles are still part of the collection of your books down stairs.  I will make this a gift for your princess along with your note, a graduation gift from her Daddy.  When you wrote this you were thinking eleven years into the future, now it is only eight.  Time does not stop, tragedy, joy, sorrow, excitement, everything keeps going. 

For me it felt like life stopped in 2015, my life did stop.  My life became an existence. I awoke each day and took each breath for our daughter; put one foot in front of the other, let each day start and each day end.  

Today I can say I'm living and not just existing.  Time does not stop and I'm looking forward, embracing each new day, maybe even with a little pepper in my step.  

love you handsome man. 

take care.

Friday, October 6, 2017

another candle

Another candle on the cake.  Actually had a cake this year, homemade from flour, sugar, and all the other stuff you put in a cake.  So much effort for little old me, it was really nice, wonderful in fact.

It's still another candle you'll never see on your own cake, I've surpassed you and there's no going back.  No more teasing you then holding my tongue for the last three months of the year.  I don't want to think about the last three months of the year, they've been challenging these last few years.  I'm focusing on today & remembering the good.

I still remember you trying to surprise me for my birthday, the year I was pregnant.  We're driving almost to the freeway and then you realized you left your wallet.  We get all the way home and you ask me, prego, to go upstairs and get your wallet; because your knee was bothering you. I'm thinking are you kidding me, as I recall I even mentioned something about your pregnant wife, teasing of course.  I knew something was up.  You would never have done that, you practically had me in a bubble those nine months.  So I trudge upstairs, making as much noise as I could, I open the door, SURPRISE!  People were over and everyone was making potatoes, that was my craving at the time.  I even got a Mr. & Mrs. Potato head toy set. 

I'm getting more and more use to that idea you put in my head, I'm not so scared.  I like the pace things are right now.  I even took a pretty big leap myself, we'll see how it goes. 

"If energy can never die then neither can love" 

I'm starting to realize that it's ok my love for you will never go away.  Not giving up on love does not mean I have to give you up in the process, I just get to bring you with.  

I'm getting there. 

take care