Friday, February 17, 2017

Excitement is gone

all that energy and excitement for life is gone.  I just want to hide in my room and not be around people.  I want to be by myself.  I'm tired.  I'm in a funk.  I hope sleep will turn this around.

I love you

take care

Tuesday, February 14, 2017

cling

I'm struggling tonight my love.  Today was mostly in the good column.  I've been thinking about something uncharacteristic & very selfish.  More than likely it won't happen, I am who I am.


Your princess was feeling a bit down today after school, we stopped at the bookstore & did homework there.  We picked up her next literature assignment and we chatted and she felt better.  The waves are not has harsh as they once were.  I'm glad about that for her.  For me I almost feel guilty, like I'm moving forward, but part of me doesn't want to.  I want to cling to you, to us, to be that team we were so good at, I'm no good alone I'm trying I really am.  I feel myself sinking again.  I need to sleep.
good night handsome.

take care

Monday, February 13, 2017

I'm ready to try again

May 8, 2014 I made a change in my life.  I realized what was happening to me on a personal level. I was working in a rough neighborhood.  My job was effecting my out look on life and society.    I was jaded and thought the worst of people.  I thought about why I do what I do and what about my job I liked and where I felt I made the most difference.  Upon reflection I remembered my blog post from 2012 about OL.  May 8th I had a meeting with my staff and reminded them that we are here to help others even those that are rude to us.  Everyone deserves healthcare and access to healthcare.  In our line of work people do not visit us for fun, there is a health issue and we're there to help them get better.

May 9th of 2014 my life changed forever.  You were diagnosed with cancer, it festered in my mind and ravaged my soul.  We did not have any details, just cancer.  May 11th, Mother's Day 2014 we got a call and learned it was stage IV lung cancer.  My whole world as I knew it was destroyed.  My reflection of my life and choice to change my actions and live my life with my empathetic actions went out the window.  All I could do was survive at work, thinking about you and our family situation.  I stepped down from my leadership role and moved on to a position where I was not responsible for all the happenings on our side of the counter.

You left my life 22 months ago and I've been struggling.  Last month I wore my Kairos from my senior year retreat to help me in my struggle.  For a while I was wearing it along with your ring around my neck.  It's silly, but it makes me think you're watching or it reminds me of how I want our daughter to act and lead her own life.  I treat others with more kindness because I can.  In May of 2014 I don't think I had the capabilities to act with empathy because I was stuck in my own world.  At first it was constant worry and concern for you and our daughter.  After you left this world I couldn't face the world, it was too difficult.  I focused on our daughter and did everything I possibly could to help her through this devastating time.

Yesterday, February 12, 2017 I was working at the location where I had this epiphany so many years ago.  As a matter of fact I helped OL and showed her a little kindness.  It reminded me of the change I was embarking on way back in 2014, a change I was trying to lead others to make as well. I'm finally at a point where empathy is something I can do now.  I may not be a leader of one team, but I can lead by example in my professional life and I can make a difference to those I come in contact with personally.

I still miss you every day.

take care

Saturday, February 4, 2017

treading

I'm sinking today, I need to soar tomorrow's a big day for our daughter.  Inadequacy is sinking in.  I'm trying my very best truly I am.  Tiredness and poor diet are not helping.  I need to make an adjustment, a change.  I miss talking to you.  I made a pretty funny  joke at work the other day, you totally would have appreciated it.  I'm trying no to think about myself and focus on others, trying to make a difference, even in a small way.  I need to tread water and get back up and just keep going.  Here I am treading for now, we'll see what tomorrow brings.


Love you handsome man.


take care,


Thursday, February 2, 2017

change the world

My shift took me to the first pharmacy I worked when we moved here nearly ten years ago.  It's relatively close to our home and close to where you had your treatments the last 11 months of your life.  The first script I checked was from your oncologist.  Half way through my shift I saw another prescriber's name from our past.  It just hit me, working close to home has it's conveniences and draw backs.  Our daughter will be ten years old in a matter of days, I still can't believe I'm a single parent.

I have found some drive in life, I'm becoming more active with a group I started with in 2013.  I've actually taken on more responsibility with this group.  I'm trying to make a difference in our world, it may not be much, but  I want to be a good example for our daughter.

I miss you so much.  There are so many things I want to talk to you about, so many ideas I want to share, so many frustrations I wan to vent, tell you how I feel so hopeless and powerless, yet I want to save the world.  Only you understood me, knew where I was coming from.  The last few days I've put in the good column, I still look at my wall just behind this screen and see all the pictures I've put up with simple tacks.  Your face, your beautiful brown eyes watching over me.  I miss being part of a team, in a sense our little girl and I are a team now, but it's not the same.  I don't refer to us as team, we are now the Ladies.

The world we live in is so uncertain, now more than ever.  Decisions are being made and I do not like them, they scare me, and it is not the type of society I want our daughter to grow up in.  I'm doing my best to show her what is best, not just talk about it, to take action.

I miss you handsome man.


take care,

Tuesday, January 3, 2017

Forward ho

I am so glad the holiday season is over, it's like this enormous weight has been removed from me.  Since October I've been in this slump and just couldn't get out.  My birthday, the year I became older than you, that really hurt, still does.  Then of course getting ready for all the holidays.  I've been working harder than usual, I guess I'm grateful I've been placed at this location for some time, it's very stressful & does not give me time to think of how much I miss you and how empty things are; yet here I am our daughter back to school & me alone with all this time to think & ponder.

During one of my shifts  I was helping a very lovely couple.  They were a bit older and so reminded me of us.  They even mentioned that they made a good team, that literally brought tears to my eyes.  Watching this couple interact in a bland and ordinary transaction at the pharmacy counter & just enjoying each other, laughing, joking, and tenderly sharing a touch of the hands, a simple caress of the fingers.  They were so kind to each other and to me, surprisingly very rare when you work in a retail setting during the holidays.  The holiday season is the time of year when families come together and it has become the constant reminder we are no longer a family of 3 on this earth.

For three months I didn't cook, except for Thanksgiving and the eggplant dish I volunteered to make.  We had lots and lots of take out and delivery.  I feel like cooking again, I didn't say enjoy cooking, still not there.  Cooking is still not my passion, don't think it ever will be.  I made a meal plan at least, so I know what I'll be cooking this week.

Something happened last week, I was doing chores around the house and hadn't put your ring around my neck yet, for some reason I just didn't.  I left it on the chain and put it in my jewelry box.  I don't know why.  It still sits in that box, I didn't feel guilty about it, now as I sit here telling you about it I feel a little guilty.  Please understand I still miss you so very much and love you.  Your ring is a constant reminder of the team I am no longer a part of, the love you gave to me, a love I miss so very much.

2016 is done and gone, I can no longer say "my husband passed away last year" the calendar changed and you are further and further away and I continue to march forward.

I love you handsome man.

take care

Sunday, December 25, 2016

eggplant

Merry Christmas Love,
I'm making your favorite.  I did not make it last year, I just couldn't.  I volunteered to to make it this year, but really wasn't feeling it, still not.  I miss you so much.  This year will be the first Christmas I haven't had lasagna for Christmas dinner ever.  My entire childhood and all those Christmas dinners with you, you adopted my family tradition.  As a married couple we did not do squid and linguini on Christmas Eve, but we started our own.  Your fish stew you made and my eggplant parmesan.  You said that was your favorite dish, my eggplant parmesan.

Let me tell you a story about your favorite dish.  So tonight after we get home from festivities at a family gathering I began the task of making this famous dish.  I'm frying the breaded eggplant and layering the finished product with sauce and cheese.  I didn't realize smoke was starting to form even though I'm using the fan over the stove.  The smoke alarm goes off screeching 'FIRE EVACUATE' the dogs start to howl I'm frantically opening windows, opening the sliding glass door, turning on ceiling fans, and climbing the step stool to try & disengage the smoke detector.  One other detail, the alarm serenade began at 12:10am.  All I have to say is this eggplant better be good.

I really miss you.  I love you handsome man.

take care