Friday, July 6, 2018

Being with the trees, not observing the forrest.

Went to a place again, last time & first time I was there we were a family of three and we brought along AS.  Our princess was seven, and she does not remember.  She only has three maybe even four years of memories with you in them.  Most of her stories and memories take place a mere year before your diagnosis. Soon the years of memories will be shorter than the years without you. It's not fair, neither is life, as I was told so often growing up, a lesson I was warned about, a lesson I live with each day.


I can remember things good and bad
Memories I want to relive and others I don't
Memories of thing I once had, but do not have any more
Things I wish I had but I do not have any more
I need the memories, no matter what they make me feel
The pain or the joy but they are mine so I must cherish them. 


Now it feels like four. Words, I'm trying, really I am.  I need to learn a new phrase and find the courage to say another.  Why is late an adjective for dead.  I suppose it's a polite word to make people feel comfortable.  I met a new person, making small talk like I do, where are you from?  A commonality I discovered between you and him.  The phrase should have been, my late husband, not to invite sympathy or create attention, but to provide clarity.  

That word may become part of my vocabulary once again.  To actually think this through, it's a bit scary.  When I'm with you everything just feels natural and right, like of course that's where our path will lead. The scary is becoming smaller and smaller, it's barely visible at all now.   Then I think practically, realistically, and it feels so far away, patience.  

That is something I had with you, it didn't necessarily matter when things happened, especially little things.  When it was family time, there was no time crunch or time line.  I was reminded of that today.  Sometimes I get caught up in all that needs to be completed and I lose the moment.  Yesterday was another example of that as well.  We got there when we got there, the time together, in the moment, creating memories, soon there'll be words that outsiders will need explanations for.  

Words, I don't know what to call you, I know what you are, I understand your significance, just don't know how to verbalize it to others.  I think it's like going in the pool, you ease your way into the cold water, getting use to the temperature, eventually you have to decide you're going in and you just do it.  I was so close with an introduction the other day, then I just couldn't do it.  Part of me feels the title is juvenile, immature, but then I don't have any other ideas.  I don't know how to fix it. It's society, it's labels, but I want to give you that label, that title really.  I'm only up to my knees, getting use to the cold temperature, I will just dive in eventually, just a bit longer is all. 

take care my dear, I love you. 

Monday, June 18, 2018

3rd base

And 12 hours more, I'm tired.  It is done and I wait a bit longer for the all clear.  I'm so glad you were there, holding my hand, your fretting was so cute, you must really like me as the nurse said.  I am so glad I kept the promise and kept it honestly.  I've learned being honest is so much better, I think I'm doing so more than I ever did in the past.  I use to keep quiet about little things, eventually they became big things, I'd blow up and we work it out and move on.  That's how our dynamic worked, eventually I just didn't let little things become big things.  Now I know that little things are important, I remember learning, someone once told me before I ever got married, before I ever dreamt it was even possible, she said, before you get upset with someone you love, ask yourself if this "issue" will be important five years from now, does leaving dirty socks on the floor really going to make a difference five year from now or whatever the issue.  Obviously if they're not picked up for five year, then yeah, I think my humor is being influenced by the drugs in my system from earlier.  It's all about how you handle and how you share what's bothering you.  Being honest, yes is so important, being calm and honest is even more important.  I do love you, I know it's tough to follow to whom I am addressing, I will again blame the drugs and let you figure that out. 

Thank you for making me say it, thank you for being patient, I'm enjoying life again even on third base.

I love you my dear.

take care.

13 hours

I wrote some letters tonight.  Some I hope are not read, well at least for years to come.  I think my experience has changed how I process the future and it's uncertainty.  Tomorrow, well really in about 12 hours I'll be having a procedure, the term I'm using for our little girl to keep the anxiety and fear at bay.  It's nothing major, really shouldn't be concerned, youth is on my side, statistics are on my side.  It's those last two facts that change my out look, you too had youth and statistics and now you don't.  I'm also nervous about what will come in a few weeks, the information, the knowledge.  If something goes wrong, I'm not afraid for me, I ache for our little girl, not so little anymore.  I don't want her to go through it all again, now with more knowledge, more experience.  Why can't life just be the sun coming up and the sun coming down day after day, why can't my life be like that?  Days filled with hearing made up jokes, reading a few more pages just to see what happens, hiking through paths seeing all the little things and imagining what lives in the forrest as we walk through.  Why so much complication, is it too much to ask for mere happiness, love without complications, without the threat of it all coming to an end.  I feel like I've had enough, more than my share.

I've asked her to always look for the good in every person, in every situation, it may not always be easy to find, but it is there.  I must take my own advice and search or simply just let the good reveal itself. 

I am not making much sense, I know.  I am tired.  I should sleep. 

13 hours from now, we shall see.

love you handsome man, though I feel you are farther and farther away, even here there seems to be so much distance.

take care,

Saturday, April 14, 2018

Tomorrows and the demon.

I'm here again, tired, exhausted, I don't allow myself to sleep.  I think it's because I don't want tomorrow to come, I don't know how many tomorrows there will be left.  You have no more tomorrows, neither does my Mom, and the uncertainty that lies ahead keeps me from sleep.

The fucking demon is back, the demon that's plagued my life these last 10 years.  I thought it was gone in 2010 when it took my Mom, five years later it took you, and now it's fucking back.  I feel like it knows when happiness is born and that's when it lays it roots to destroy.

Our daughter was just a year old, the demon laid it's claws and latched into my Mom, two years later she was gone.  No one to turn to for "Mom" advice, for home remedies, to share the latest funny story of her grandchild.  A grandchild that has absolutely no memory of her Nona, even though that little three year old danced at her wake.  Our life was just starting here in our new home, no phone calls, no visits, no cards in the mailbox with her distinguished handwriting.

The darkness wasn't as dark as time moved forward and the tomorrows continued to dawn.  Eventually the sun overcame the shadows and happiness was trying to push through, like Spring tries to push through the snow and cold even in April.  I made some changes with my career and tried to make a difference, to see people in their environment, not just a face in front of me, I made an effort to learn their story.  That didn't last long because the demon reared it's ugly head and this time took you away from me, away from our little girl.  The darkness was back and consumed me, took my life, left me with a hollowness and emptiness words can not describe.  There were days I did not want to live another tomorrow I wanted to be consumed by the empty, to just disappear.  I found strength for our daughter, strength to face tomorrow with her always in my mind.  The demon claimed you, then took you 11 months later.

It's been 3 years and two days, (since I don't allow myself to sleep tonight it's technically 3 years and three days).  Guess what, happiness and joy were creeping back into my life, I've kept my promise & didn't give up.  The bastard is back.

I don't want to do this again, haven't I passed the test, proven I'm strong, proven I can handle a great deal of pain, grief, emptiness.  I'm still here, still strong, still keeping it together.  Joy, happiness, excitement, were all pages returning to my story, even my faith was starting to return to my life.  Right on cue the fucking demon is back.

I am so tired. My head aches. Tomorrow is on the way.

I love you handsome man.

take care

Monday, February 12, 2018

It's coming

I'm tired my love.  I don't feel any better even after a shower.  It's coming, I can feel it.  Spring.  A time when the snow melts, new life begins, flowers bloom.  It's not here now, it's cold and dry out, harsh, but it's coming.  I can remember you enjoying being outside, letting the sun hit your face that day in March.  You were coming back from your radiation treatment, before I did what I had to do.  The sun hit your face and it was a glorious moment for you.  Spring is coming, the season of life, just not for me and our daughter.  Spring reminds me of your death, the end of your life.  We had one last week together at home, Spring Break 2015.  We had our trip to Paris that week, passports and all.  We even had airplane snacks, an inflight movie, and upon arrival we visited the louvre.  All things you'll never do, never a stamp in your now expired passport, your eyes will never see the Mona Lisa in person, not even a plane ride across the ocean.  Those somedays never came for you, when they arrive for your princess & me it will be amazing and painful all at the same time. 

Your princess has grown up so much since last you and she spoke.  She's not a princess anymore, parish the thought really.  She is quick witted like you, enjoys browsing the bookstores, she's excellent with direction, and she is quite a young lady now. 

The hole is back, I feel like it's swallowing me whole.  I'm drowning, I'm overwhelmed, it hurts all over again, I don't know why.  There is no why, there is no timeline, there is no reason. I am hollow once again. 

I love you handsome man.

take care.

Thursday, January 25, 2018


Surpassed.  I saw a message about a friend's wedding anniversary.  Our years are being surpassed by couples that got married after we did.  No more remembering how many years we were married  by looking at the current year and just subtracting one.  It would have been 17 years this year; it stopped at 13 years for us.  No more.  Friends that looked to us as marriage role models are celebrating anniversaries beyond ours,  I don't know why that hurts so much?  Seeing that post, seventeen years.  We didn't even hit a big milestone, no 15 year or 20 year celebrations for us. 

I have another anniversary coming up, Saturday, it'll be 24 years at my job.  Something I started before you were part of my life and now you're gone.

I looked at your obituary today, don't know why, but I felt the need to read it again.  I'm a decent writer when I need to be and I'm very proud of the words I came up with that day in April.  One of the hardest things I had to write. 

I'm tired love, I'm run down, I'm drowning, I'm trying. It really hurts there will be no more years to count. 

All this from a simple expression of joy.  I remember working with this friend a little over three years ago, she was so kind.  She mentioned something in the news about a young woman choosing to give up her fight with cancer and her explanation to her husband, it was very sad and it was a topic on the radio.  This friend who celebrates 17 years tonight said something about the story, I politely asked if we could talk about something else.  She didn't realize how it affected me and she felt bad.  I did not say anything in particular, I just asked to change the subject, I'm sure once she realized it reminded me of what was happening at home she felt bad for bringing it up.  I didn't know until much later, but this friend secretly called you and asked you to call me at work.  You did of course and you made me laugh as usual and made everything better. 

There were so many times even before you were sick, I could just call you from work and hear your voice.  I knew everything would be ok from just hearing your voice.  You would tell me you're proud of me.  I'm starting to forget all the little things you use to say.  I don't like that.

Grow old with me
Come home safe
I'm proud of you
Olive Juice

I wonder what sayings you would have had for your princess.  You exclaimed Carpe Diem every day to our Norwegian son, every day before you dropped him off his junior year in high school.  I do remember you asked your princess if she had fun, be it at school or a gathering of friends, or after any time really. 

Another year for her as well, another candle on the cake, you'll always be "Daddy" never transitioning to Dad.  I went from Mommy to Mom, and your title will never change though she has in so many ways in nearly three years now. 

My mind is everywhere tonight and it's stuck on one place.  My head hurts, my heart breaks again. When will this end, never I'm afraid.  Every happy occasion will be sprinkled with sadness because you are not there to share in the joy.  In a few months your princess will move on to the next phase in her education.  No one to ask, did you have fun?

I am so tired, my body aches, my head hurts, and my insides hollow.  The day is done.  Tomorrow will come. 

I love you handsome man.

take care,

Tuesday, January 2, 2018


Yesterday we celebrated your birthday.  I say yesterday, only because I do not allow myself to sleep tonight.   It was a lovely day.  Today it hits.  The start of another year without you. You're getting farther and farther away from me, I can't remember your voice any more.

I looked at your phone today, I read your text messages to your princess and realized you started a message to her and didn't finish or send.  I just left it in the box awaiting to be sent. All it read was Hey. You loved her so much.  Now all she has is me, I am doing my best, love, I promise.  It just came to me, we decided to only have one child so we can give her everything, wouldn't have to divide anything in half.  There would be no questions of favorites, she would have all the love from two, that was our thinking.  Now she only has me, the love of one parent, half.

God I miss you.  I also looked at our text messages.  You loved me so much and I loved you with everything that I am.  Those messages reminded me of all the little jokes we had between us, the kind that only you and I would understand at the mention of a word or a picture.  Like Beethoven's favorite fruit and what that alluded to.  Gman was a nickname for our cat, these days Gman is a nick name our daughter came up with for Grandpa.  Life has changed and your not here to see it.  One of your favorite authors was awarded the Nobel prize in literature last year, Kazuo Ishiguro.  I know you would still be pulling for Javier Marias, but you've enjoyed and recommended quite a few Ishiguro novels.  There are songs being composed your ears will never hear, newly arranged pieces of classical music you'll never enjoy, you won't hear pomp and circumstance played at our daughter's graduation.  Only half of us will be there to hear those notes played, only me.

Tonight I feel like half of me died two years, three months, and 11 days ago.  The half of my soul that carried the happiness, the hope, the passion, that half is gone and a painful hollow has taken it's place.  My mind tells me the sun will rise tomorrow and time will pass.  It will get better in the tomorrows to come, it is not tomorrow right now, it is life.

I love you handsome man.

take care