Nine years ago today was the last day you were alive on this planet. I still miss you. So much has changed in these last nine years. I think about you all the time. I went to the grocery store today, I bought cracklin’ oat bran. It’s not as hard as it use to be & I feel guilty about that. I know that does not make sense, but maybe there is so much on my mind right now, so many tasks I need to complete.
I miss you.
take care
hello there, not sure who is on the other end of this anymore. Maybe it's just for me now, I don't know. So much has happened since the last time I was here. Is my confidence coming back? It's been a little over five months now. So many tasks to complete, an entire life and existence to pack away and put in places to allow us all to move on.
So many other memories flood my mind. 9 years ago today we took a virtual flight, before "virtual" was even a thing, to Paris. As a family we had a spring break trip right in our living room. We even had inflight snacks, yes I'm talking little packages of trail mix from delta. I did the best I could, I still am. My bag of tricks for your princess has expanded and grown with her as her needs grow and mature. I really miss you.
Sometimes I can't believe he's gone, but I can. I know that doesn't make a whole lot of sense. If you were still here I don't think I would be doing all of the legal and necessary work because of the thousands of miles, well I probably would because that's who I am. It would be such a different predicament if you were still on this planet. I don't think he would have moved here, if that happened your princess would not have been as close to him; and this wouldn't hurt so much for her, AGAIN. Sometimes I wonder what we would be like if our lives hadn't changed 3,268 days ago. Would she have the same interests, would she be on the same path. I'm doing my best my love, God I miss you.
Laundry calls.
take care,
It's just been a day is all.
take care,
It's been a year now. So much has happened in these last twelve months. I still remember the last time I saw you, at my work. You had no idea the hell I was going through. I still feel bad I didn't call, I just couldn't. There was so much on my plate I just couldn't add more to it. More not fun stuff. Not fun stuff that began within weeks of August 20. First the unexpected most terrifying trip to the ER. Then struggling to find the care needed and get things going in the right direction.
Then a few months into that ordeal and figuring things out, the fall. The fall that lead to the extended stay, not knowing if a return home would happen. That's when I saw you for the last time, right in the middle of all that. When I needed support the most, when I needed someone to say it'll be ok, it'll work out. I did have help, just not the arms around me to support me. It wasn't fun.
I still miss chatting though, telling stories, making jokes. I saw your words, a definite dig at me. I wonder if you saw mine? I still care, I think I always will. I do truly hope there is less to complain about in this world. I really wish we could be friends. Maybe enough time has passed and we can or maybe not. I don't know.
take care,
I have so much on my mind. There is a jumble of thoughts, so many memories, flash backs. I can't put my thoughts into coherent sentences. I am so tired. I've been visiting the place again, I'm not making any of the decisions, but watching all the choices unfold, the letters and wrist bands dnr cloud my mind. A heavy heart. It's been 8 years, precisely 2,945 days. I'm listening to stories, asking questions to encourage those stories she wants to share.
I miss you handsome man. There is just so much I want to get out, but don't have the energy.
take care,
An always, within never
Barbery
I just finished "The Elegance of the Hedgehog" it was a novel you enjoyed. I started it many years ago and just couldn't get past the opening. I stuck with it this time and it was just brilliant. It had a perfect ending. I am a very tough book critic, if you can end a book well that's top notch in my mind. Ms. Barbery did just that, it literally brought tears to my eyes, I'm still feeling the book in my chest and taking it all in. I so wish I could share this with you, to talk about the work of art in words, words written and then spoken. I miss you so much. I crave someone to talk to about this kind of stuff. Kinda like Les Misérables, but that night I did have someone to share with, that was so nice. To connect with someone over art and life in art.
My always within never, could that be you, perhaps. May those moments come and let me be open to them.
I miss you handsome man.
take care
This really helped. Sometimes I feel like I use "self care" as an excuse, but when I think about it really has been a very difficult start to 2023. Honestly, since last fall it's been tough. Unexpected trip to the ER for the unexpected member. Trying to get all the support and care needed for your princess. Then the first week of the year and the hospital stay that lasted four weeks. Here we are about ready to start month 3 and things are still a bit unsettling. There has been definite improvement, but I'm struggling to keep the balance. I went back to work today after three weeks. More uncertainty on that front as well. I'm trying to remember
God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
The courage to change the things I can,
And the Wisdom to know the difference.
I've been thinking about him alot lately. I realized that I have not had time to ponder that it's over. To let it settle. It's been six months now and I think things are as stable as they can be for the time being. Now I have time, it will crowd my mind I'm sure. I'm so very tired.
I will stop for now.
take care
