farther and farther away. You're still in my thoughts every day. I've taken out our rings a few times the last few days. I miss you so. I'm reminded of so much these last few days. A co-worker lost his bother-in-law to the same wretched disease that took you. I just now realized you lived exactly 11 months from the date of your diagnosis. How did I not realize that before? May 9, cancer diagnosis, May 11, Mother's day, fucking Mother's day we were given the primary location and stage of the cancer. Exactly 11 months later April 11th you were gone. It's been five years and I sit here falling apart, my heart pounding. You are so far away, my mind struggles to remember things. To hear your laugh, to feel your arms, to bury my head in your chest. I am so tired, so exhausted. I can't anymore tonight.
take care,
Wednesday, July 22, 2020
getting it all out.
Words have meaning, they do hurt, deeper than sticks and stones. Words resonate. Gaslighting might be too strong of a word, but it fits. Your words have me doubting, I've replaced all the blocks and walls and start again to move forward. Though I'm not moving I feel stuck, my mind will not shift, it remains in the past, the what if I did ... what if I just... all of those thoughts swirl in my mind; like it's my fault. I tried. I was not listened to, I was not taken seriously. When we talked about fairness and you mentioned it's something you've struggled with for a while, you said you understood life is not fair and that it never has been and never would be, you said you knew that you struggled with this and expected things to be fair though your brain knew that was not how the world worked. This is what I understood. I felt I was being punished because the world is not fair. I've said many a times I couldn't live tit for tat, you appeared to have agreed, but then your actions would not follow suit. That is my interpretation, that is how I saw it; that is how I felt.
The morning you called me on the way to a momentous occasion, you were angry with me. Angry I couldn't be there, not taking the circumstances into account, just angry. You talked about an array of topics all in those few minutes on the phone. When you brought up supporting me at the hospital as a point you should have been given, adding them to more points then I could ever catch up with. That was hurtful, I realize you were angry at the time, but there was honesty in your anger. It was at that moment I felt I could not ask you for help again, as you know that is a difficult task for me to start with. I felt what I did to support you was not counted or my efforts were not enough. I did not keep track or keep score I just gave what I could & I felt it just didn't add up in the end.
I asked about your favorite book, I read that book, we talked about it joked about it. I learned about the things in life you enjoy, the games, the characters in those games, how you played, what you played. I asked about them, I tried to be encouraging when the game didn't go your way. Did you know what book I was reading, the characters, the story line?
I came to you in CA and painstakingly laid out how I felt and even a few ideas how to improve & asked for your input. I was so scared and nervous about it I wrote it down & was shaking as I shared my thoughts. It seemed to me you took it defensively at first, then I think you understood where I was coming from and I wanted us to fix things. We had a discussion and I was hopeful we understood each other. Later you would make a joke about me writing down how I felt to share with you.
I was so excited to share my roots, my hometown, when I would see something of my youth and exclaim with excitement, you kept saying "that doesn't mean anything to me" because you didn't know what or where I was talking about. That hurt too. I listened as you talked about your trips to Wadena, your adventures with your friends near the old target, I asked questions that provoked stories of your youth. You compared me talking to you about MM as the parents in front of us in line talking about SW to their 4 year old, it didn't mean anything to her. Thinking about that day, that entire day, brings tears to my eyes as I sit here remembering. You cursed at me over a stupid water bottle. It was not the happiest place on earth for me.
Fairness. How the ring you chose cost so much. How it's not fair the woman gets the fancy ring, but the man does not. Yeah, words, they hurt. How you came to support me at the hospital, on one occasion you just showed up, more points for you. How about when you brought me food at work, yep slide another marker over, you're ahead. What about flowers at work, keep those points rolling. When you helped with fall chores, bag after bag we filled. how many points do you have now? I didn't keep track when I attended concerts, when I brought goodies to work, or stopped to have lunch with you. I didn't keep track when I asked about poker, when we'd stay up all night chatting about what it was like for you for 20 years. I didn't keep track when you were there when I found an old note tucked away & you put your arms around me as I just sobbed. I didn't keep track when you made such a big deal to celebrate my birthday. I didn't keep track when you came up with the idea of our annual fall picnic. Even early on, I was distraught that I needed so much more help and you did so much for me, I even talked to J about it. Her words made me feel so much better, she said something like this: you need more help than he does, you have a younger child & you're in a different situation, it's not a competition. Words, I took them to heart, they made me feel better, too bad two and half years later they did not ring true.
I tried again in March. I asked about our communication skills, how we were out of sync for months. Again, fairness came up. This is when you shared you struggle with fairness and how you know life is not fair, but you wish it were. I expressed how I felt I was being punished for the unfairness, you acknowledged that. I asked how long do you think it would be for you not to expect everything to be fair, what would it take to make that happen; you said you didn't know. That is not going forward, I will not live my life tit for tat, life is not fair we've all had our lessons, we all have our stories. I asked for friendship, but that is not meant to be. Words of never finding anyone to treat me as well keep being repeated. Words of future failures with others, saving me from hurt, I just have to experience it for myself, that's how I'll learn. Life is not fair. Life is pain my dear. I feel like giving up handsome man.
take care
The morning you called me on the way to a momentous occasion, you were angry with me. Angry I couldn't be there, not taking the circumstances into account, just angry. You talked about an array of topics all in those few minutes on the phone. When you brought up supporting me at the hospital as a point you should have been given, adding them to more points then I could ever catch up with. That was hurtful, I realize you were angry at the time, but there was honesty in your anger. It was at that moment I felt I could not ask you for help again, as you know that is a difficult task for me to start with. I felt what I did to support you was not counted or my efforts were not enough. I did not keep track or keep score I just gave what I could & I felt it just didn't add up in the end.
I asked about your favorite book, I read that book, we talked about it joked about it. I learned about the things in life you enjoy, the games, the characters in those games, how you played, what you played. I asked about them, I tried to be encouraging when the game didn't go your way. Did you know what book I was reading, the characters, the story line?
I came to you in CA and painstakingly laid out how I felt and even a few ideas how to improve & asked for your input. I was so scared and nervous about it I wrote it down & was shaking as I shared my thoughts. It seemed to me you took it defensively at first, then I think you understood where I was coming from and I wanted us to fix things. We had a discussion and I was hopeful we understood each other. Later you would make a joke about me writing down how I felt to share with you.
I was so excited to share my roots, my hometown, when I would see something of my youth and exclaim with excitement, you kept saying "that doesn't mean anything to me" because you didn't know what or where I was talking about. That hurt too. I listened as you talked about your trips to Wadena, your adventures with your friends near the old target, I asked questions that provoked stories of your youth. You compared me talking to you about MM as the parents in front of us in line talking about SW to their 4 year old, it didn't mean anything to her. Thinking about that day, that entire day, brings tears to my eyes as I sit here remembering. You cursed at me over a stupid water bottle. It was not the happiest place on earth for me.
Fairness. How the ring you chose cost so much. How it's not fair the woman gets the fancy ring, but the man does not. Yeah, words, they hurt. How you came to support me at the hospital, on one occasion you just showed up, more points for you. How about when you brought me food at work, yep slide another marker over, you're ahead. What about flowers at work, keep those points rolling. When you helped with fall chores, bag after bag we filled. how many points do you have now? I didn't keep track when I attended concerts, when I brought goodies to work, or stopped to have lunch with you. I didn't keep track when I asked about poker, when we'd stay up all night chatting about what it was like for you for 20 years. I didn't keep track when you were there when I found an old note tucked away & you put your arms around me as I just sobbed. I didn't keep track when you made such a big deal to celebrate my birthday. I didn't keep track when you came up with the idea of our annual fall picnic. Even early on, I was distraught that I needed so much more help and you did so much for me, I even talked to J about it. Her words made me feel so much better, she said something like this: you need more help than he does, you have a younger child & you're in a different situation, it's not a competition. Words, I took them to heart, they made me feel better, too bad two and half years later they did not ring true.
I tried again in March. I asked about our communication skills, how we were out of sync for months. Again, fairness came up. This is when you shared you struggle with fairness and how you know life is not fair, but you wish it were. I expressed how I felt I was being punished for the unfairness, you acknowledged that. I asked how long do you think it would be for you not to expect everything to be fair, what would it take to make that happen; you said you didn't know. That is not going forward, I will not live my life tit for tat, life is not fair we've all had our lessons, we all have our stories. I asked for friendship, but that is not meant to be. Words of never finding anyone to treat me as well keep being repeated. Words of future failures with others, saving me from hurt, I just have to experience it for myself, that's how I'll learn. Life is not fair. Life is pain my dear. I feel like giving up handsome man.
take care
Monday, July 20, 2020
pushed
An emptiness, not like before, not a hollow. Assurances made, I had my hopes up, again, and here I sit in knots, torn up. The sun will rise and it will set, I need to escape. It sounds crazy, but I feel like I was pushed away, the more the same words were repeated, the more agony I felt, the more I was pushed away. I need an escape, a distraction, mind candy, mind numbing, something.
take care
take care
Saturday, July 18, 2020
Directions
North
South
East
West
How to get from place to place. Navigation. Guide.
NORTH
True North
North star
the bold North
The Good Witch
SOUTH
South for the winter
went south, as in poor outcome, gone rotten
southern hospitality
southern drawl
mild weather
EAST
wicked witch
East coast
fast paced
bad side of town
WEST
beach
wild wild west
new frontier
relaxed
new part of town
sunset
Some people have a sense of direction and to others these are just words on a map. Directions get us from point a to point b. In a voyage, an adventure, a quest directions can be helpful to achieve the goal. In life there are times when traveling on a path, direction is not required, simply moving, moving forward is all that is necessary, all that is possible.
The idea of two new directions where put into my head, at this point I don't know how to characterize this person, for now I'll say game master. The direction of Stam & Renn. I'm not 100% sure which is which, but here's my understanding.
Stam: inner, inside, within. The direction to pursue in order to soul search, to think, to contemplate.
purpose
moral growth
escape
Renn: outside world, reality, North, South, East, West, are part of Renn.
practicality
ambition
I like to think I experience stam when I run, I just go and not worry about the renn. My thoughts running faster then my feet, letting them all collide. When my feet are exhausted and my mind is clear I return to renn and find my way. Adding music to stam enhances the experience, for me anyway. I've said this of late, I want to run again, to escape renn and revive in stam. I want to discuss these ideas, hear the opinions of the game master, learn what other philosophies await us.
South
East
West
How to get from place to place. Navigation. Guide.
NORTH
True North
North star
the bold North
The Good Witch
SOUTH
South for the winter
went south, as in poor outcome, gone rotten
southern hospitality
southern drawl
mild weather
EAST
wicked witch
East coast
fast paced
bad side of town
WEST
beach
wild wild west
new frontier
relaxed
new part of town
sunset
Some people have a sense of direction and to others these are just words on a map. Directions get us from point a to point b. In a voyage, an adventure, a quest directions can be helpful to achieve the goal. In life there are times when traveling on a path, direction is not required, simply moving, moving forward is all that is necessary, all that is possible.
The idea of two new directions where put into my head, at this point I don't know how to characterize this person, for now I'll say game master. The direction of Stam & Renn. I'm not 100% sure which is which, but here's my understanding.
Stam: inner, inside, within. The direction to pursue in order to soul search, to think, to contemplate.
purpose
moral growth
escape
Renn: outside world, reality, North, South, East, West, are part of Renn.
practicality
ambition
I like to think I experience stam when I run, I just go and not worry about the renn. My thoughts running faster then my feet, letting them all collide. When my feet are exhausted and my mind is clear I return to renn and find my way. Adding music to stam enhances the experience, for me anyway. I've said this of late, I want to run again, to escape renn and revive in stam. I want to discuss these ideas, hear the opinions of the game master, learn what other philosophies await us.
take care,
choices
Choices.
Am I really trying this again? Am I setting myself up?
Choices, it's my choice, it's his too. I tried this before and got burned, got hurt. Then I cut everything off, shut it all down. I went for the pull off the band-aide quick method, painful yes, but after some time the sting goes away. He chose to put the band-aide back on and let it dangle. The wound is still there, not healed, not scabbed exactly either, but also not fresh. I'm cautious, not trusting, and my defenses are up, all the walls in place. Trust is fragile, once broken it can be put together, but it's not the same, like putting together a broken vase. The cracks are there, full of rough edges, the vase is not as pristine, instead it has character. There is a story to tell, the vase might go up on a higher shelf to keep it protected, out of reach. It may not be the first choice for a beautiful bouquet of flowers, but it's beautiful in it's own right. I'm not sure where this analogy is going, just like I'm not sure where this choice I've made will lead. I made this choice out of kindness, something I wanted from the beginning. When I learned it couldn't happen I chose to pull off the band-aide, that was just over a month ago. Here I sit wondering about the choices I've made and will make.
take care,
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)