swirl

 So many thought swirl in my mind.  A decision made, I feel like I can't go back.  I have to stick to my guns, where ever that phrase came from.  Am I just being stubborn, am I being too harsh?  I don't think harsh is the right word.  Too much drama, I don't like drama.  I am so conflicted, questioning, if I make a choice do I loose my self respect.  Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.  Could the word hurt be substituted for fool in that phrase?  What about the "math lesson" Jesus tried to teach, forgive 7 times 70 or some thing along those lines.  In my defense, it's not the forgive part, it's the other half of yet another phrase, cliché... Forgive & Forget.  I've forgiven, I want friendship, but if I'm completely honest I wanted more, wanted a companion to share this life, wanted a partner, I just feel that opportunity is gone.  

It really comes down to trust, funny how that exact topic came up in a coffee conversation with my fellow club member today, a club we never wanted to be a part of, yet here we are.  He asked me what is the most important thing in a relationship.  My answer, friendship, for him it's trust.  We decided we both meant the same thing.  Alas, I digress, Marías still influences my entries  Trust.  I don't trust you with my heart any more.  I leave out details. I do my best to think before I speak or text in this day and age, I've always tried to do that, not wanting to hurt feelings with words I share or be misunderstood. In the here & now many times my mind says, he doesn't need to know that; where as before when I trusted you with my heart, let all the defenses down with you, that phrase of he doesn't need to know that never crossed my mind.  That's what hurt the most, still does if I'm being completely honest, this place more than any other lets me do that, be honest.  I can still hear & read your words from my memory, I'm not angry, just hurt & confused. 

What would you call her if you were still here?  You have been gone longer than she has memories of you.  That brings tears to my eyes and opens the chasm, the hollow that has tried to swallow me so many times.  I suppose it's a blessing and a curse, 

Fuck, I just realized our cat knew you longer than your princess, that is fucked up.  Again I digress, I hear something, see something and my mind just goes to a place of you not being here.  I'm trying not to be swallowed. 

A blessing and a curse, she does not have a hallow that threatens to open and swallow her, a debilitating presence that makes her go numb.  It's been five years and five months.  I suppose I'm being hit by a wave, but not really.  It's hard to explain.  Some times I think it would be easier to drown and be swept away, but that whole strong thing keeps me grounded for better or worse.  

Tomorrow will still come.

Miss you handsome man. 

take care.