Saturday, February 25, 2017

any more

Hello Handsome

I really should be asleep, I'm tired of being alone.  I'm sitting here with so much on my mind, yet I don't know what to say.  I don't want to run out of things to share with you, this is all I have left of you, a mere screen where I just reflect my thoughts and memories, a place to share the actions of the day.  I have nothing right now, just this empty void.

I actually had the energy to cook tonight, it was damn good too.  I'd say even your palate would have enjoyed tonight's meal, really enjoyed it not just saying it's good or giving me the honest husband response of not bad, but truly would have been proud.  I'm still trying to make you proud, I never had to try when you were alive it just happened.  Now I feel like I try and try and just fail.  I don't know.  I do know you don't want me to be like this, but I just can't help it.  You would want me to move forward, but I'm stuck.  Just when I think I can go and take a few steps forward, actually I have moved forward over the past 22 months, it's mostly happened over the last six weeks or so.  I just feel like I'm hitting a wall, I don't want to leave you, yet it's absolute agony to stay where I am.  I don't want to be alone any more.  

I love you handsome man

take care,

Thursday, February 23, 2017


Hello Handsome

I sit here and look up at all your pictures above this screen.  I see you in your graduation picture so proud with your tassels and medals and gold stole showing the world your brilliant mind, a mind I know so well and love so much.  I can't believe you're gone, it'll be two years this April.  I miss you so much.  I'm trying to keep a promise I made to you, maybe now is not the right time and maybe the time will never come.  We shall see.  I do need a release.

I love you.

take care

Friday, February 17, 2017

Excitement is gone

all that energy and excitement for life is gone.  I just want to hide in my room and not be around people.  I want to be by myself.  I'm tired.  I'm in a funk.  I hope sleep will turn this around.

I love you

take care

Tuesday, February 14, 2017


I'm struggling tonight my love.  Today was mostly in the good column.  I've been thinking about something uncharacteristic & very selfish.  More than likely it won't happen, I am who I am.

Your princess was feeling a bit down today after school, we stopped at the bookstore & did homework there.  We picked up her next literature assignment and we chatted and she felt better.  The waves are not has harsh as they once were.  I'm glad about that for her.  For me I almost feel guilty, like I'm moving forward, but part of me doesn't want to.  I want to cling to you, to us, to be that team we were so good at, I'm no good alone I'm trying I really am.  I feel myself sinking again.  I need to sleep.
good night handsome.

take care

Monday, February 13, 2017

I'm ready to try again

May 8, 2014 I made a change in my life.  I realized what was happening to me on a personal level. I was working in a rough neighborhood.  My job was effecting my out look on life and society.    I was jaded and thought the worst of people.  I thought about why I do what I do and what about my job I liked and where I felt I made the most difference.  Upon reflection I remembered my blog post from 2012 about OL.  May 8th I had a meeting with my staff and reminded them that we are here to help others even those that are rude to us.  Everyone deserves healthcare and access to healthcare.  In our line of work people do not visit us for fun, there is a health issue and we're there to help them get better.

May 9th of 2014 my life changed forever.  You were diagnosed with cancer, it festered in my mind and ravaged my soul.  We did not have any details, just cancer.  May 11th, Mother's Day 2014 we got a call and learned it was stage IV lung cancer.  My whole world as I knew it was destroyed.  My reflection of my life and choice to change my actions and live my life with my empathetic actions went out the window.  All I could do was survive at work, thinking about you and our family situation.  I stepped down from my leadership role and moved on to a position where I was not responsible for all the happenings on our side of the counter.

You left my life 22 months ago and I've been struggling.  Last month I wore my Kairos from my senior year retreat to help me in my struggle.  For a while I was wearing it along with your ring around my neck.  It's silly, but it makes me think you're watching or it reminds me of how I want our daughter to act and lead her own life.  I treat others with more kindness because I can.  In May of 2014 I don't think I had the capabilities to act with empathy because I was stuck in my own world.  At first it was constant worry and concern for you and our daughter.  After you left this world I couldn't face the world, it was too difficult.  I focused on our daughter and did everything I possibly could to help her through this devastating time.

Yesterday, February 12, 2017 I was working at the location where I had this epiphany so many years ago.  As a matter of fact I helped OL and showed her a little kindness.  It reminded me of the change I was embarking on way back in 2014, a change I was trying to lead others to make as well. I'm finally at a point where empathy is something I can do now.  I may not be a leader of one team, but I can lead by example in my professional life and I can make a difference to those I come in contact with personally.

I still miss you every day.

take care

Saturday, February 4, 2017


I'm sinking today, I need to soar tomorrow's a big day for our daughter.  Inadequacy is sinking in.  I'm trying my very best truly I am.  Tiredness and poor diet are not helping.  I need to make an adjustment, a change.  I miss talking to you.  I made a pretty funny  joke at work the other day, you totally would have appreciated it.  I'm trying no to think about myself and focus on others, trying to make a difference, even in a small way.  I need to tread water and get back up and just keep going.  Here I am treading for now, we'll see what tomorrow brings.

Love you handsome man.

take care,

Thursday, February 2, 2017

change the world

My shift took me to the first pharmacy I worked when we moved here nearly ten years ago.  It's relatively close to our home and close to where you had your treatments the last 11 months of your life.  The first script I checked was from your oncologist.  Half way through my shift I saw another prescriber's name from our past.  It just hit me, working close to home has it's conveniences and draw backs.  Our daughter will be ten years old in a matter of days, I still can't believe I'm a single parent.

I have found some drive in life, I'm becoming more active with a group I started with in 2013.  I've actually taken on more responsibility with this group.  I'm trying to make a difference in our world, it may not be much, but  I want to be a good example for our daughter.

I miss you so much.  There are so many things I want to talk to you about, so many ideas I want to share, so many frustrations I wan to vent, tell you how I feel so hopeless and powerless, yet I want to save the world.  Only you understood me, knew where I was coming from.  The last few days I've put in the good column, I still look at my wall just behind this screen and see all the pictures I've put up with simple tacks.  Your face, your beautiful brown eyes watching over me.  I miss being part of a team, in a sense our little girl and I are a team now, but it's not the same.  I don't refer to us as team, we are now the Ladies.

The world we live in is so uncertain, now more than ever.  Decisions are being made and I do not like them, they scare me, and it is not the type of society I want our daughter to grow up in.  I'm doing my best to show her what is best, not just talk about it, to take action.

I miss you handsome man.

take care,