thinking of you, both of you

This song brought some thoughts and questions to my mind.
I wonder what is was like at the last moments, what was it like for you?   Did you see anyone on the other side? Both of you.  The Dad that passed to the other side two months before, the dad you so lovingly took care of.  The Mom that passed a year & three months before you.  A relationship that was at one point non-existent and then on and off again for years.  At least at the end it was on and in a good way for you and her.  Did you see the woman who always reminded me with that smile and glint in her eye that she loved you first? Did you see my mom, was she happy?  I miss my friend, my confidant, the person I turned to after you left.  What were your last thoughts? that beautiful mind.  I miss you so much, part of the time I don't know what I'm doing, drowning in the day to day.  Work has been absolutely unbearable, you're not there to reassure I'm still good at my job, to tell me it will all be okay.  You're not here to tell me it will all be ok with my dad, I don't need to hear that it will all be ok, I just need support.  I am so tired, caught in the middle. Keeping her balanced and happy, being the silly parent, bringing in the paycheck to keep food in the fridge, roof over our head, clothes on her back, remembering all the details of the house, the bills, the dental appointments, the school offerings, asking the right questions of the doctors for my dad, making sure everyone feels valued and not less important than my job.  I am so tired of the constant worry.  Trying to keep things together, including myself.  No one here to lean on anymore.  To help with the mundane. 
I've been listening to the music of the show we saw, remembering the trip we took.  I am so lost right now. 
One more song made me pause and think, this one more of you.  I feel I failed at making your dream a reality.  It's just too much, or maybe I'm just too lazy.  I did try, only once though, for that I'm sorry. 


A day off from work, but not a day off from life.
Someday I'll see you all on the other side.
The very last scene in the animation of that last song is so telling.

Do not pity the dead. 

Pity the living, and, above all those who live without love. 

-Albus Dumbledore

               



take care

one more thing

one last thing, again.  had to take your name off an account.  Lots of paper work, not as difficult though, what hit me was the fact I couldn't remember your SSN.  Further and further away.  Your text message stream is so far down it's difficult to find these days.

It makes me think that she does not have too many solid memories.  I have over 10 years and I can think a little and remember, look at a picture, read a word, hear a song and it'll all come back, sometimes with joy others with tears.  She does not have that storage, no fault of her own.  She was so young when you left.  The memories she has have her own flare, remembered a little differently than I remember.  That's ok, those are hers to cherish and cultivate. 

Life would be so different if you were still here, of course it would, what a ridiculous statement.  We would have different likes than we do now.  I don't see us has a camping family and now it is bond she & I share, something we make memories with.  I wonder what we would have made memories with you?   I'll never know. 

Part of me feels guilty for finding joy again in this life, joy in things I don't think you would find as enjoyable.  I'm curious as to what we would find enjoyable as a family of three, yet I don't long for it anymore.  I've learned to find joy with your princess alone, though she is now my best girl.

If it's such a thing, I hope you are pleased with how things are going here.  I'm so torn to honor your beliefs and that you just shut off and were gone when you died.  Part of me wants you to see how we're doing and maybe it'll make you smile.  I'm doing my best.

love you handsome man.

take care