Endurance

 I've been in a funk.  I've been doing a lot of thinking.  Maybe too much, I don't know.  It'll be the sixth birthday of yours that we do not get to celebrate together.  I'm trapped, I can't seem to break free.  Only when I'm completely consumed at work is when I'm not completely consumed by the hollow.  I'm trying to be supportive I really am, I'm just stuck.  I feel neglected, alone, like it doesn't matter if I'm here or not.  I shouldn't feel that way, you have your own thoughts and memories you're dealing with; fresh, raw, painful.  Time to myself is not kind to me.  It occurs to me the world would get along fine with or without me.  I can't seem to get along fine without you, not today anyway, not this week, this year rally hasn't been easy either.  

I remember you saying you wanted me to die first, if we didn't go together curling each other's toes.  I still think of that broken toe of yours.  I would comment "gee thanks" when you said you'd rather me die first, you were being serious because you did not want me to be alone.  That was your fear in life was being alone.  I still remember us talking that night so long ago on the east side of Des Moines in that small apartment on Walnut Street.  Here we are, well here I am, because you are no more, I am the one that lived.  I guess it's better this way, I wouldn't wish this on anyone, especially you.  In 103 days it will be 6 years, six years without you. 

take care,