stuck

Five years, it falls on the same day of the week this time as well.  Here I sit alone, in more ways than one. A painful yet necessary decision.  I have no words to share.  It seems I'm alone in the duo on this day.  Don't get me wrong I'm glad she's not down, well she hasn't arisen from her slumber so we shall see.  It just goes to the point she only had 8 years, three or four with actual memories.  I had 17, yet felt like a lifetime and didn't.  I was cheated.  I know you had 20 and cheated had a whole other meaning.

It's different this year.  Other circumstances have made their mark.  The isolation, two fold really.  The one that started 10 months ago and the ordered isolation which compounds the emotions.  I miss the daily contact, the jokes, the understanding of each other, it's painful.  That hurts more right now it seems, more than the turn of the calendar, more than the day, more than the memories of so long ago.  Different dates bother me, different numbers.  In ten days there will be another day, another memory, another reliving of the events.

It seems no matter what I do I can't climb out, I'm stuck.  Words said in pain and anger keep swirling in my head.  I take everything to heart, it's how I'm built, I can't seem to let it go, I need to let them go, but I care too much, too much empathy.  Is that even a thing, to care too much?

The pieces I put into the puzzle didn't count, at least I didn't feel like they counted.  I learned all I could about subjects I had no interest.  I took an interest, I asked questions, I cared.  I listened to words, I planned a trip to fulfill a dream, to make a 'someday' come true.  Life is not fair, we've all had our lessons on that topic.  Yes we try to make life fair where we can, I just feel my efforts were not seen.  Failed and defeated. I truly hope the future brings success & a thriving friendship, maybe that's too much to hope for, too much to expect.  For now I must remember the sun will rise, the sun will set.


take care