Trying to think of something good, something positive. I have no desire to do anything. I've turned to distraction once again, zoning out, not engaging. I've retreated and want to stay in my fortress. The isolation is becoming harder now. Yes I go to work and help others the best I can, there is fear, anxiety, and an overwhelming sense of wanting to help and make a difference to someone. That is my passion, to help, why I chose the career I'm in, why I volunteer at church. Something I learned as a kid from my Gram, always volunteering. It's hard at work to hear the complaints of others and the negativity, to feel my efforts are looked down upon. I'm so angry and depressed and feel hopeless all at the same time. There is no energy, no desire, just the hollow. I just want to be alone sitting in my chair zoning out, yet I want to be on the couch laying next to you feeling that safety, that belonging, that comfortable embrace. I am here with the hollow, doing my best to not let that show. She's come so far and I'm grateful for that. She's surpassed me on this path, again I'm grateful.
It's hard to breath, the hollow is growing. As I reflect on my path I survived because I had someone to help. When my Gram passed away I had my Mom to help. When my Mom passed away that was a different dynamic, I had you. You reminded me that I had a little girl to raise with you, to help, and that always stuck with me. When you left this earth I had her to help. To absorb her pain, her anger, be the person she could lash out at one moment, then have the hug to hold her as she wept.
I imagine a walk through the woods, trees on either side of us, not knowing what was ahead, staying on the path trying to find our way. I really don't have to imagine, we've being taking those walks or hikes since it became just the two of us. My dear friend introduced us to camping and the solace of nature. We were on the path of unknown, it was so very dark, scary, anxious. You made that suggestion, took us under your wing and gave us a map. You literally gave me a map, I still remember our first trek up north. We weren't camping, but it was a trip away just the two of us before I went back to work. You gave me a map of gooseberry falls. I took your advise because I didn't know what else to do, I was so lost. You literally gave me a map. That very first trip she I and took alone was so difficult, there were so many emotions in those few days. It sparked something though. We began to walk and hike. We joked, told stories, made up games, got lost and found our way again. The trail was never known to us, we started and didn't know where we would end up, we just trusted and had faith we would come out at the end. We always did. Faith is not a substitute for caution, we followed the signs, stayed on the path. I remember one trip at Fort Snelling we got really really lost, there were no trail signs or directories, we came across a woman & her dogs in the woods and we asked for directions, she was so kind and helpful. She walked us back to the path because she knew those woods so well and told us it was tricky to find your way. That happens so much in life, we were lost and I asked for help, usually such a difficult task for me to do. Funny though I'm always willing to help if someone asks. I wonder if it was easier to ask because she was a complete stranger, why is it harder to ask for help from a friend, for me anyway. If I'm asking for help for her though, that is never hard to do. It's really only for myself I struggle to reach out. I finally let myself do that again, to reach out, to let down all my walls and defenses. To truly let someone in and see everything. It proved to be too much, I was told, maybe in anger or maybe in pain, either way it was raw honesty. I was told my passion for my work and my grief was too much and I couldn't give enough. Honesty. Good or bad I went back to my fortress, the calendar changed, isolation continues, she thrives, it hurts to smile, I catch myself watching her, laughing at her quick wit, the hollow is swallowing me, I need distraction, to zone out. I really need to force myself on the hiking path, to find that map, to keep going, maybe another day I'll take that step. For now I will stay in my fortress and contemplate the map.
I miss you.
take care
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