Ulysses & Main

Ulysses and Main

Joseph Marone

Knowledge is power,  I hate that phrase now. 

I'll never forget that red light as long as I live. 

"How do you make a marriage last 50 years?"
don't get fucking cancer, that's an excellent start

Ulysses and Main, the phone call that changed our lives, life is so fucking unfair. We'd never see 50 years, fuck we never even saw twenty or fifteen for that matter.

I don't want to be learned about. 

Why am I so angry?  Why now? 

Why did You have to take away my friend? 

You both gave something to her.  You planned a special token which holds a very special place in her heart and she sleeps with it every night.  Why didn't you think about something for me?  I don't want to hear the "always in your heart" bull shit, because that's what it is. 

Even the sudden exit didn't prevent a special object to be found.  She keeps it in her pocket.  It was meant as a thank you gift for Christmas for the volunteers.  Again I've got the "always in your heart" bull shit.  I don't know why I am so angry. 

The operating room is coming, she did not come home and I fear he will not either.  I can't believe I'm putting these thoughts into words, something to blame myself for later.  I do not have that kind of power, my thoughts even into words do not have that power.  Does God? Is that a real thing, power of God?  It sounds so blustery.  Power and God don't go together.  I think of comfort, I try to anyway.  I think things just happen in life and we can seek comfort, one of those "always in your heart" kind of comforts and you know how I feel about that.  But, power, no.  Power has such a negative connotation any more.  It goes along with greed. 

I can't answer the question, not honestly, not with words you want to hear. 

You had a way to help me let go of things, I miss that most of all, well there are lots of things I miss most of all.  It's hard for me to wait & see, to not think about the things I can't control.  I miss your yin to my yang. Maybe I'm only remembering the good, like so many people have said happens.

I'm tired, I'm lost, I'm scared.  I don't want to be at the red light on Ulysses and Main.  I'm fearful I'll say too much, go too far, and you'll just be done.  I'm fearful I'll always be the one to give in and later resent myself.

I've had enough.  Where is He now? Where were You five years ago?  Where were You nine months ago?  I don't want to be strong anymore, I've been told by so many people that I am so strong, well fuck you.  I didn't choose to be strong, it's what I fucking am.  I make my choices in life, I do my best to be helpful, to not give the bullshit answer, to actually do something.  I put actions behind my words.  If I tell you I'm there for you, I'm fucking there for you.  You don't even have to ask, I call you, I check on you.  I ask about how you met, I ask about what you did on his birthdays as a young couple, I enjoy your stories, share how I can picture her doing that as a toddler.

She's had so much loss in her young life.  People taken away, she'll not have one Grandma story she can tell, not one.  She barely has any Daddy stories.  She never even transitioned to Dad.  Please don't let there be a red light on Ulysses and Main. 

hurts

I miss you my friend.  It hurts tonight.  I've been working on the yearly project for the group you introduced me to.  I found a passion, a way to help people in our world.  It hurts. You'd be so proud, we have so many projects submitted.  We chose three really great ones to help.  You'd be so proud.  I miss you, my friend, my confidant.  I so miss you.  You understood the role I have of helping with care of my Dad, you shared the same ideas and goals of parenting. I miss you so much, I don't know why tonight, it's so hard.  I went to a funeral the other day, brought back memories of my Mom.  I was 34 when she died, older than your girls.  Life is definitely not fair.  Tomorrow we get more info, a decision to be made.  I remember you calling after the first radiation just to see how things went, to give support. 

I feel friendless. 


take care,