don't dare

it's that time of year, the beginning of the end.  It should be a time of renew, it's still too much.  Are the differences too much?  Have I built up enough credit? I'm afraid to ask.  The hollow is here and it's consuming, it seems more than before, alone, empty. I don't dare, I'm afraid of karma.  I'm drowning, alone, deservedly alone.  I'm not ok though I may say, the walls are returning, my fortress is needed.  When will spring be a good time again? You seem so far away, the words you'd say I can't remember anymore, my throat is closing, I'll never be understood again.  There is too much negativity, so many complaints if things are not working as expected, even gravity.  I'm losing the balance, it's so difficult to smile, to find laughter.  I need to keep it together for her, she does not need to take care of me, I need to be there for her.  I don't think she remembers like I do, which I am grateful in a way.  I still have the notebook with all my notes and questions to ask.  The last pages with notes of your funeral.  I remember you being transported to the next building via ambulance and the moments you had outside with the sunshine on your face was just bliss, just those few moments.  All the choices I made in March, choices and decisions I made, those choices and decisions led to you never coming home.  I was so absolutely torn, wanting to stay with you every moment, but I had to be there for our daughter, it was so much for her to handle.  All the last minute changes, the playing it by ear, that's why I do what I can to not play it by ear, it's a harsh memory of what life had to be, a life where I had to watch the man I loved suffer and there was nothing I could do to ease the pain.  I read to you, I found your favorites as best I could.  I did the best I could, yet I couldn't bring you home, I talked you into staying and you never left, for that I will for ever be sorry.

take care