part two of the day

 so much on my  mind, I've returned for part two I suppose.  There is this weight on my chest, I'm teetering on a decision.  We talked about being a parent tonight, it's seems it's all I know anymore.  I am by no means complaining, it is the best part of my life being her mom.  I just miss being a wife, a partner, a trusted friend, like ultimate trust.  I still remember an issue at work from years ago and there was a miscount and lots of uncertainty.  Your words stuck with me and I still hear you say them.  You said if they found the object in our house and I said I did not put it there, you would believe me.  I remember there were days I would call because things were so challenging at work I just needed to hear your voice, to hear you say you loved me.  Now, work is challenging yes, but now there are worse events in life than a tough day at work.  Getting a phone call from the school counselor because your princess was struggling, having her own challenges dealing with you being gone.  I had to be that voice on the other end of the phone, the calming, loving voice.

I'm not a single parent, that adjective describes your marital status, the choice of degree of involvement. There is a choice for single parents an entire spectrum from sperm/egg donor to helicopter.  I am a solo parent, on my own, being the fun one and the heavy, the one that breaks the rules and the strict one.  

I don't know why today has been so difficult, maybe it was the club meeting.  Maybe it was the reminder of all the memories coming.  I may have been the one to choose this path, but it still makes memories painful for me.  Maybe it's the isolation of the society we are living in these days. 

Maybe it seems I'm feeling sorry for myself.   All I know is that I'm stuck.  I'm unsure where to go from here.  Status quo I suppose.  No decision making right now, not tonight.  I'm tired, not sure where this is going.  I'm just rambling.  Why would you love me, even still? I think I'm back to being scared again, this time it's not a fear of moving forward, the guilt that came with that.  This is a fear of making a mistake, the fear of being alone.  That was your fear at 25, not sure why is it my fear now.  It's not really a fear, I can do this on my own, live my life solo, not being a partner, not having a partner.  It's not a fear, but more a sense of dread that comes and goes.  Why do you love me? I feel undeserving. 

take care,