Tuesday, April 26, 2016

the old is gone and this is my new

I just realized I am no longer a wife.  I wear my wedding ring every day & yours around my neck.  The new category I was forced into last year took away my title, my identity as your wife.  More reality.  Harsh reality.  I hate this reality.  No longer wife.  The air has been knocked out of me, here comes the fog.  I will close my eyes now.

love you handsome man.

take care

Monday, April 25, 2016

past tense

He lay in the bed day after day
Unable to survive in May
Lung cancer will pay
   --- written by your princess

Our daughter is 9 and she has vowed to "destroy lung cancer"

I try to be as supportive as I can and encourage her.  I also reassure her that if she changes her mind and does not want be a researcher that's ok.  She also feels like she has to like everything you liked.  She's having trouble in school with a subject that you excelled in, I can see herself beating her self up because she's not doing well and she does not like it.  I've told her it's ok, she doesn't have to like everything Daddy liked.  
As I sit here and read what I just wrote I guess I'm finally starting to use the past tense.  I haven't done that before, it makes me sad and a little ashamed. I suppose subconsciously I'm accepting you are the past and no longer my future.  There is a battle between my soul and the part of my brain that is analytical.  I'm struggling to let go of the pain, but the pain is what helps me remember you so vividly.  It's hard to find a happy medium, it's hard to find a happy anything really.  It's either a great day (usually because I'm busy at work) & not all of my thoughts are of you or it's just a horrendous day and everywhere I look or everything I see reminds me of you.  

Today was different, I would say it was 55% busy/great and 45% grief.  I don't know if that's a good or bad or nothing at all.  Tomorrow is a day off from work and I don't know which way the balance will tip.  

I love you handsome man, and that will never ever be past tense. 

take care, 

Monday, April 18, 2016


Waiting.  We did lots of that my love.  Waiting to hear your name called, the ever privacy compliant Richard S.  We would go back together, wait for the blood draw, wait for the doctor, wait while the promise of your future slowly drips into your system.  We were always together.  Even when I couldn't be there in the same room as your scan I would be there, toward the end I would undress you and help you into those fashionable gowns, and when you were through I would help you dress again.  We would sit and just be together, you were ready to go and waiting for your turn to enter the room with the machine to tell our future.  In the beginning I would be out in the waiting room, you would dress yourself in that sexy gown and I would wait and listen to the quiet of the waiting room.  I still remember that Friday night in May.  We knew it was cancer but didn't know where.  I sat in that room waiting and worrying.  That was just the beginning.  I will be in that same waiting room.

I'm sure you remember in October, waiting in that room.  I was in having a more detailed mammogram because the first showed something unfamiliar.  You were sitting in that waiting room & I could just see the tension and worry in your whole body.  I had results before I came out to see you, I gave you a smile and a nod from the doorway I entered and the relief and tears just flooded your face.  You hugged me so tight & we left that waiting room hand in hand.

Nearly a year later, you had been gone seven months & I did the waiting on my own.  A growth was found on an ovary and it was being monitored.  I went to the same building where you had your treatments and took the elevator up to have an ultrasound.  This would determine if the growth was stable and therefore not a concern or if there was further growth.  I went in that building, I hadn't been in there since I was there with you.  There were no results before I left and there was no you sitting waiting for me to come out.  There was just me taking the elevator down and staring at the oncology office as I exited the building.  All my thoughts were of our little girl.  Relief and tears hit me as I read the electronic notification of the all clear. I did not have to return to that building, to that office on the first floor.

Here I am, you've been gone one year and seven days.  I'll be waiting once again.  I'll go to that waiting room where the machine determined your fate, we waited for 43 hours.  The phone rang on Mothers Day and we had our answer.

I love you handsome man.

take care,

Thursday, April 14, 2016

mere existence
can't breathe
no words
heart pounding

Tuesday, April 12, 2016

hang back

What started as a good day went bad then worse.  I will not finish my scattered story it seems foolish now.  I am so tired and feel like I let a friend down.  I was selfish and did not think of the other.  We are not the only ones who miss you and love you, I didn't even have the courage to ask.  I was thinking about it, but couldn't bring myself to ask how the other was doing with this anniversary and memories it brings.  Not to mention all the added stress I created for the other.  I think I will just lay low & hang back.  My head hurts and I'm so tired. I am sorry.

No one understands me like you, I so miss being understood.  I feel like I'm failing.

I need a hug.

take care

a scattered story to finish soon.

Some things I've realized, just recently.  When you first left this world, just like our little girl it's hard for me to say die or dead.  I did say it in my last post, but yesterday is gone.  As I was saying before I went into Marias mode, I can't do everything I'm so overwhelmed.  At the moment I'm overwhelmed with life, not emotion.  I just can't keep up, I haven't really cooked for nearly ten days.  Some of that is because of work schedule and other is because I don't have the energy to plan.  I'm not a good spur of the moment dinner maker, I'm not a good dinner maker as it is.  When I take the time to sit down and plan what I'm going to make it's kinda fun, I pick recipes, try different things.  I don't have time and I don't make time because I just want to do nothing.  I don't know if I becoming lazy or what.  The laundry is a disaster, I'm just so behind, not to mention the status of my house, it's an absolute mess.

This is what I'm not going to do, I 'm not going to beat myself up about it.  I'm struggling with the house right now, it's always tough when I work 12 hour weekend shifts.  I feel better.  I'm considering a cleaning service, is that a failure on my part? No it's not!  I'm just concerned about finances, I can make it work I just don't want to set myself up to fail with money.  If I just have to do dishes and laundry I would feel so much better & not overwhelmed.  Your princess can definitely help with those tasks as well.  She already knows how to load the dishwasher, I just need to make it more of a habit.  It's not that she's not willingly to do it, I just haven't been cooking or telling her to do it.

Ok, next topic for you my dear, yesterday on our way home from WI, yes we went to WI for ice cream.  It was a great day all in all, well all things considering.  I think I did a much better job of balance yesterday than I did on your birthday.  Christmas and your birthday were extremely difficult.  Easter was no picnic either.  Even though you were not religious those were very hard days for both of us.  Easter you were the one that always came up with the rhyming clue hunt, granted last year I did it and it took us to see you in the hospital and with the help of your Dad she had an Easter egg hunt at the house and even a mini hunt in your hospital room.  It was the very  next day you went into hospice care, I still think of that as the day I killed the hope.  I really shouldn't do that.  I've not mentioned this to our little girl, but she does something similar on her own accord, I did not put the idea in her head with my words or actions.  Please know I am so careful not to let her see me truly struggle as I do.  I'm so tired of everyone telling me it's okay to let her see me cry, I know that and we do cry together sometimes.  We did yesterday, (see what I did there I noticed my Marias coming back so I brought it full circle) we started the day without an alarm clock.  The day before I worked a 12 hour shift and both us stayed up a little later than usual.  She was torn, didn't know if she should stay up until midnight to be awake on the anniversary of your death or just go to sleep.  I told her why don't we just read and see what happens.  She gets so anxious and tells me she's confused and doesn't know what to do, that's when I just make a decision and she feels better.  It makes me wonder if I should not give her choices or options as often as I do.  So we read and we fell asleep with thoughts of Percy Jackson and of you of course.

We had cracklin oat bran for breakfast.  We left the house about 11am and went to your favorite bookstore.  We spent most of the time in the kids section and flashes of your surprise party just haunted me there.  After she made her selections we went across the street for a vanilla latte and vanilla steamer.  That was the drink you made for me the first time we ever laid eyes on each other.  Ojos del mar you would later say.  We found two comfortable chairs tucked in a corner and we read, she from one of her selections & I from my current read.  After a bit we were the only ones there so I felt comfortable enough to read the next chapter of Percy Jackson with out disturbing other customers.

Again we crossed the street and went to a seafood place for lunch, ordered a half dozen oysters to start.  We did get a little sad at the restaurant and she remembered other trips there and pointed out different tables we sat there in the past.  The place was fairly quiet, our waiter was fantastic.  He was humorous and got us both laughing.  I left him a 50% tip and a nice note thanking him and letting him know why we were there.  We finished lunch and we were sitting there thinking about you and I gave her a choice about going home or going on an adventure.  I was not ready to go home.  At first she said she wanted to go home and then I said something like are you sure and she changed her mind.

We got in the car and headed to Stillwater.

more to come.

I love you handsome man.

take care

Monday, April 11, 2016

Blue Checks

Good morning Handsome.  As each second on my watch ticks thoughts of this day last year flood my mind.  I wore my blue checked button up shirt, the same shirt I wore when you asked to be my husband.  A beginning and an ending, alpha and omega.  Today your ladies will go out and visit some of your favorite places.  It feels like you've been gone so very long and yet there are moments when I just can't believe you are dead.  The days keeping coming and nothing ever stops.

For today a trip to your favorite bookstore, coffee, oysters with lunch, soccer, & a game of chess with your princess.

I feel you are drifting away from me as each minute ticks by.  I love you handsome man.

take care,

Wednesday, April 6, 2016

Don't want to be here

Why am I here?  I'm waiting for someone.  I don't want to be here.  Yesterday was so good and today is not.  I don't want to be here, yet I made plans yesterday when things were good.  People watching is so painful sometimes.  Old couples holding hands, couples laughing & chatting.  I don't want to be here.  I want to be in our house.  I'm so tired & empty.  I could close my eyes right now.  
I love you handsome
take care

Monday, April 4, 2016


Your Phi Beta Kappa mailing came today.   Your brilliance known by those among us fortunate to have known you is no longer here.  It made me think about a future where S. will no longer have this street and numbers claiming it's residence.  A time when others will use this street and numbers to claim paper and mailings.  That someday will come and those that inhabit this house will know there was once a man named Mr. R.R.S. who was one of the smartest in his realm because this mailer will still come marking your brilliance.  I can't even put words together right now to properly describe it.  You did not search out to be Phi Beta Kappa, if I recall you were nominated by a professor and you were so humbled by the offer and then by the acceptance of your application by this organization.  You were always one of the smartest people in the room, if not the smartest and yet your way with people was so amazing.  You made them feel at ease and gave them their shine time, you never overshadowed or let on how much was truly going on in your mind.  You understood people's limits and never showed it.  This must all sound so arrogant, but you were not.  Your character was far from arrogant, confident yes, but not arrogant.

There was a sales call or something or other for you today, I lied and told them it was the wrong number.  I guess in a way it wasn't a lie, you after all no longer live here, though mail comes with your name on it and more disheartening mail come without your name.  No more Mr. & Mrs. from places that matter.  

Days of late have been better, I'll glance at your picture and I'll be okay.  This sounds so terrible but it's like I don't think of you all the time anymore, as I put this in the forefront of my mind I just feel so guilty.  I do love you so and I miss you so much even still.  I do think of you every day, I just feel like I'm forgetting and I don't want to, but it holds me back, holds me back from what I do not know.  There is nothing, I exist, I exist for our little girl.  She wants to find a cure for lung cancer and she wants to end racism.  I encourage.  I see you in her.  She has a good sense of direction and she has your sense of humor.  She can even make fun of herself to some degree.  Her wit is getting quicker with each day.  She is my favorite person. 

I love you handsome man. 

take care