tired

Tried to do something for myself this weekend, epic fail.  It was not what I was expecting.  I will surpass your age on Tuesday, no more teasing ever.  Truly, that stopped 17 months ago.  I'm tired and I'm drowning.  I don't want to do this anymore.  I'm tired of this life without you.  I'm tired of being strong.  I don't want to do this anymore.  My head hurts and I can't breathe.  I'm living for her, I am so tired.  Goodnight my love.

numb

I have to scroll farther and farther to find pictures of you.  You are getting further and further away.  I sit here with tears rolling down my face, silence, not to wake our little girl.  It's passed and now I'm just numb.  I don't care anymore.  I should just close my eyes and sleep.  I am exhausted.  I miss you handsome man.

take care,

Another wave crashes down

I'm sitting in the parking lot before my shift & I'm just struggling.  I don't know why I'm telling you, I don't know what else to do.  I can't escape, nothing is working, not my book, not music, I'm drowning.  I don't know why.  This is dumb, I'll drown myself in work. Writing helps, it'll be enough I wrote it down. No one needs to know.

you are not in them

I am so lonely.  I cherish my time with our little girl.  I've learned to be funny and goofy with her.  I was before, but I seemed to always play the straight man to your comedic ways.  I think I've found a balance in that regard.  I miss being your partner in everything.  I miss how you always made me feel beautiful.  I updated our pictures in the living room, you are not in them.  We put our old family pictures on the wall in the dining room, a new place.  You won't be in any future pictures, when she graduates, after a school play, and not in the photos from our twentieth wedding anniversary.  In less than a month I will have surpassed your age, never be able to tease you with old age jokes, even if it was only a 10 month difference. I am so lonely and empty it hurts.
I miss you handsome man and love you still.

take care,