Sunday, October 30, 2016

A good day

Today was a good day.  I still missed you my love, but it was a good day.  Had some friends over at the house, really they're family.  I had real conversations today, people actually listened to what I had to say it was so wonderful.  There were even moments of pause and 'wait let me think about that for a minute'.  Funny, there were two couples: one married 30 or so years and one still new.  That totally reminds me of people always telling us that after the first year the "honeymoon is over" but for us that never ever happened.  I think that's because we worked to make the other happy, strove to to make the other feel loved & important, really that wasn't hard it was like breathing. I think that is why there are days I struggle to breath & use medication to help my lungs, but nothing helps my soul.  When you hurt I hurt, when you're in pain I cry, when you fail my insides are tore up, yet I find the words to build you back up, when you accomplish & succeed I'm proud.   Bringing you joy, giving you meaning, sharing passion was my contribution to our life, your contribution was the mirror of mine, though I think you did it better than I ever could.   I remember you would say you got the better end of the deal.

Today was a good day.  Tomorrow will come.

I love you handsome man.

take care.  

Friday, October 28, 2016

tomorrow comes

Another day has finished and tomorrow the sun will rise.

Tomorrow we watch a friend row, an amazing young woman, a woman you had an impact on.  We met her when she was only 12 years old.  You taught her to play chess, encouraged discussions about art, politics, and literature.  We invited her to outings down town, brought her to exhibits at the art museum.  She was home from college and visited you your last night.  You saw that potential when she was just a child and now she is a young college student.  She has been an excellent role model for your princess.  She is so intelligent and caring.  She truly looked up to you and enjoyed our conversations.

She would babysit our little one when we went on dates, you know what's funny about that, we would always start talking about our little girl and we'd only be a mile away from our house.  We'd joke to see how long we would last before we would start talking about her.  I also remember we'd warn the babysitter that we might be back really really late, of course we were home by 9pm or 10pm.  I digress, once we came back home and paid our neighbor for her babysitting services, she would totally hang out with us and it was just awesome.  This young articulate high school student wanted to discuss events happening in our world.  After we got home she chat with us for a few hours, then we'd flip the light switch off our deck and watch her go home.  Now she is a junior in college, president of the row club, and an amazing young woman.

Good night my love.

take care

Tuesday, October 25, 2016

del mar

I picked out new glasses today,  simple task right? Not really, not for me.  We did everything together, we helped each other, fashion is not my thing, I don't have an eye for that.  You would say ojos del mar, eyes of the sea.  You commented on my eyes so very often, you said they were beautiful, you always made me feel beautiful, again not my thing, I don't wear make up or do much with my hair you said that was because I didn't need to I was naturally beautiful.  You said it so often and with such sincerity I believed you and felt so comfortable in my own skin.

Anyway, I chose new frames today, something I don't take lightly because this will be part of my face for the next few years.  I know it sounds so silly, but this is the first time I've done this without you.  Fortunately the person at the optical department was very kind and truly helped me find a pair of frames that would look nice.  He started by saying "let me see your eyes that's where I usually like to start," he described them as a blueish green and we found a pair of frames.  That reminded me of ojos del mar. 

Most of the firsts have come and gone, agonizing and painful yes, I'm learning that the seconds are no better, almost seems worse.  This second time around is just brutal and I don't know what to do.  The summer was so good, maybe it's because everything was a distraction and we did so much.  We did things we'd never done before and even did some things that were for the three of us and now are just for two.  Even though the summer was such a whirl wind I missed you every single day.  Hiking at the parks, adventures camping, and our promise I kept to introduce other exciting & foreign places to our daughter.  A  promise we made as parents, talking about giving our daughter experiences we never had, an experience you'll never have though you would appreciate it most of all.  It's now that is so difficult, fall, winter, holidays, anniversary, birthdays.

I miss caressing your face and feeling that slight stubble right at your jaw line, holding hands with our fingers inter locking and your thumb above mine.  I miss your touch, putting my freezing feet on your warm legs as we lay in bed on a cold winter night.  Watching you read with your non-dominant eye, laying on your side with your nightstand lamp lighting the path for your eye to travel.

I'm drowning and falling, I sit here so cold and shivering.  There are people that have met me now and only know the hollow me, the one that can't seem to find a purpose on this planet, the one who lives between distractions & routines for our little one.  I use to care about things, to try and make this world a better place, now I'm just here.  I am so tired and cold and done.

I love you handsome man.

take care

Sunday, October 16, 2016


Saw this posted on social media, I'm struggling, not sure what my purpose is or the reason.  I feel like I'm being so selfish, I'm not doing any good for anyone.  My heart beats, it pounds, but for what?  This is an existence.  I don't want to do this anymore.  I exist for her.  I go through the motions.  I'm falling apart, grasping, but there is nothing there to hold.  A choice: bitter, better, cease, continue

Friday, October 14, 2016

Hospice time of year.

Autumn use to be my favorite season.  The weather changed, it was comfortable, not scorching hot or so humid it's hard to breath and not unbearably cold.  It's the season my birthday occurs.  It is full of colors and beauty.  Last year I barely even noticed the season, it was the first fall without you.

This year I equate this season as the hospice time of year.  It's the period before death, a service to try and make things beautiful and comfortable before death, yet death still comes and it is still ugly.  This season is the usher to times of happiness for many, a time that was excitedly welcomed by me in the past.  It all began with my birthday, a day you made so very special, even if we were home you fussed about me and you and your princess would sing to me.  No one has sung happy birthday to me for two years now, it's silly but I miss that.  You knew I didn't necessarily like a big deal made about my birthday, but I so miss the little things.

Of course fall is the precursor to the 'Holiday Season' and all the family joy that is to bring to life.  I'm trying my best to keep things upbeat and positive for our little girl, but I'm struggling something fierce.  We're going to the apple orchard this weekend, a tradition we did each year around this time, we're going with two other couples, a reminder we are no longer a couple, no longer Team S, just the S Ladies here on out.

November brings Thanksgiving, your favorite holiday and just a week later would be our 15th wedding anniversary, it would of been your turn to choose how we celebrated.  Christmas and all the little traditions we did as a family, all gone.  Your birthday, that time of joy and huge celebration, everyone knew it was your birthday.  Our birthday trip to your favorite book store, no matter the temperature outside we made that trip every year, of course coffee was also involved on that day.  I miss you so much.  I miss your embrace, when you put your arms around me I felt so safe, now it feels like people don't want to hug me, I don't know why.  I want to be hugged so tight the emptiness is just squeezed out of me.  I want someone to sing Happy Birthday to me on my actual birthday.

I miss you so much handsome man.

take care

Wednesday, October 12, 2016

When will this stop? 
I'm tired.  
I don't know why I'm here, I exist for her, every aspect of my life is for her, that's the best I can do.
I'm alone and empty.  
I'm struggling and I don't know what to do. 
There is no meaning. 
Echoes of nothingness. 
I must sleep. 

Tuesday, October 4, 2016


The day is done.  Another candle to light, a candle you never saw on your own cake.  There were no candles, no cake, the light is gone for me on this day.  Maybe next year.  I miss you handsome man.

take care,