Tuesday, January 3, 2017

Forward ho

I am so glad the holiday season is over, it's like this enormous weight has been removed from me.  Since October I've been in this slump and just couldn't get out.  My birthday, the year I became older than you, that really hurt, still does.  Then of course getting ready for all the holidays.  I've been working harder than usual, I guess I'm grateful I've been placed at this location for some time, it's very stressful & does not give me time to think of how much I miss you and how empty things are; yet here I am our daughter back to school & me alone with all this time to think & ponder.

During one of my shifts  I was helping a very lovely couple.  They were a bit older and so reminded me of us.  They even mentioned that they made a good team, that literally brought tears to my eyes.  Watching this couple interact in a bland and ordinary transaction at the pharmacy counter & just enjoying each other, laughing, joking, and tenderly sharing a touch of the hands, a simple caress of the fingers.  They were so kind to each other and to me, surprisingly very rare when you work in a retail setting during the holidays.  The holiday season is the time of year when families come together and it has become the constant reminder we are no longer a family of 3 on this earth.

For three months I didn't cook, except for Thanksgiving and the eggplant dish I volunteered to make.  We had lots and lots of take out and delivery.  I feel like cooking again, I didn't say enjoy cooking, still not there.  Cooking is still not my passion, don't think it ever will be.  I made a meal plan at least, so I know what I'll be cooking this week.

Something happened last week, I was doing chores around the house and hadn't put your ring around my neck yet, for some reason I just didn't.  I left it on the chain and put it in my jewelry box.  I don't know why.  It still sits in that box, I didn't feel guilty about it, now as I sit here telling you about it I feel a little guilty.  Please understand I still miss you so very much and love you.  Your ring is a constant reminder of the team I am no longer a part of, the love you gave to me, a love I miss so very much.

2016 is done and gone, I can no longer say "my husband passed away last year" the calendar changed and you are further and further away and I continue to march forward.

I love you handsome man.

take care