Five years ago everything was coming together. I planned a surprise birthday party for you, I started planning a year ahead of time. People came from Des Moines, Chicago, and all over the twin cities. We had the surprise in the morning so we could spend the day with our friends. It was just perfect! My dear mentioned having a live funeral or something along those lines, why wait to celebrate a life once the individual is dead. Come together in life and create memories when we are all alive to enjoy them. I guess I did that without even knowing. I had no idea your next birthday would be your last. Your 40th was glorious, 41 was a happy birthday, with pain in your body. I'm sure we would have had a party for your 45th, probably not a surprise, but a party none the less. I still find it funny we played chess on your birthday, New Year's Eve.
I can still hear you in the book store, "Where's Kate?" once you knew something was going on. We were all waiting for you in the kid's section, except for the one who couldn't wait any more and "bumped" into you in the store. I pulled it off, it was so joyous, it was perfect. We had coffee after, then went to lunch at Stella's. That evening we came back together, told stories about you, I even shared about our fancy crab dinner without proper crab crackers. It was wonderful to share that night with friends we made during our life together. Friends we made before we got married, from out of state, & friends we made living here.
You made up that pledge every year as well. Again making me say it, I guess you had a thing for that. I miss you.
Sometimes I wonder if you approve of choices I've made, decisions I followed through on. Then I remember you're dead and there is no approval or opinion. Trust me I've never forgotten you're dead, there is always a constant reminder, but what comes to me is that you do not have an opinion because you are no longer. It always bothers me when people ask, what would you say or think in a certain situation, I don't fucking know because you are dead. There are no more thoughts, no more ideas, no more intellect, no more anything. There is her, she reminds me of you a great deal. Her humor, sense of direction, and love of reading.
I watched a few videos of you two, she was so young. She is growing up, coming up with her own ideas, thoughts, opinions, passions, all of this she is doing without you, without your influence, without your guidance, without her dad.
I'm doing the best I can. I'm raising her alone, no input, no second opinions, just me. She and I are extremely close and we know each other better than anyone else. I still silently sob in the shower sometimes, there because she can not see. She knows when I struggle, but I won't let her see me fall apart, I have to be there for her, be the rock she needs, maybe rock is not the best description. I need to be the pillow that absorbs her screams, the bag she can squeeze so hard the emptiness is forced out, the receiver of her angry words, the wearer of the hat so she feels safe to let out all of her rage. I am the person with the ideas how to remember you, how to distract from you, how to live this life without you, how to keep going, keep learning, keep living.
Tomorrow will come, we will honor you, remember you, live. I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but the sun will set and the day will be done. I'm glad the holidays are over, I survived them again, my fourth year. I hope there is a year when the holiday season will be celebrated and not merely survived. For now I'll have to celebrate I survived and take that as a win. I miss you handsome man and this still really hurts.
take care
Sunday, December 30, 2018
Tuesday, December 18, 2018
Is there?
I still believe there is a God, I still believe God created the Big Bang thus creating the universe. As far as day to day. I can’t fathom an all loving God allowing so much pain and violence in the universe created. I believe it was created with beauty and love at it’s core. The all loving God is there to help us get through the pain of life and help us celebrate the joy and the little miracles that bring people together. I guess Life is still Pain with beauty, strength, and love to get us through the day to day and guide us to joy.
Sunday, December 16, 2018
Chapter two
I've heard it called a few different things. Second love, chapter 2, and a few others that escape my tired brain tonight. Chapter two does not erase this. Maybe I thought it would, maybe I feel guilty because it didn't and I also feel guilty because there is a chapter 2 for me, and you are no longer. You made me promise, a promise I reluctantly muttered out loud, you made me say it. How can this be? So much happiness and love, yet some much emptiness, especially when we are apart. Especially when I am on my own, not working, not focusing on your princess.
You know that nickname would no longer fly. Well, it doesn't fly in her life now without her father, without her dad. Who knows, maybe if you were still alive and in her life she would still be princess. It's hard for me to imagine a world with you here, it's too painful, I'm too practical. It's kinda like when you would want to look at houses and we were no where near ready to move. We would look at homes on the market and we vaguely talked about moving. I would find the perfect house, imagine our furniture in the house, even picture where all the book shelves would go, then be crest fallen realizing it wouldn't happen because realistically we would move MAYBE the next year. Also when power ball got huge, like on the news huge, we would day dream what we would if it happened to us. When the numbers came out and our streak continued of getting not one single number, I was actually disappointed. I guess for that reason I can't think of 2016, 2017, 2018 and beyond with you alive. My brain just can't do it because it is absolutely impossible. I was there sitting in a chair when you took that last audible breath. When we all waited, holding our own breath to see if air would enter your lungs for just another moment of life on this planet. It didn't. I relive that moment, from time to time. There are so many moments that dance in my head, words said. Of late it's all moments of your last months & weeks in this life. The hospital, having to leave work because the news was so bad I just couldn't be there and I couldn't come home. Asking M if this was your last Christmas, her response burned into my brain, "I hope not"
It was.
My Mom's last Christmas she was suppose to be here. She was too sick to travel and never spent a Christmas with her granddaughter. There is not even a memory for her, nothing. Stories, words, maybe a few pictures. Like you three months after Christmas she was gone. Watching her fretful sleep, not really sleep, a state of being, existence. We watched for signs of pain, her grimacing face, a cue that she needed more pain medication. That first night I spent in the hospital, it was just my Mom and me. Her organs shutting down. She was so warm, perspiring. I applied cold compresses to her forehead, feeding my need to help her in some way, to give her comfort.
Five years later I would have that need again, this time I had more roles as care giver, to you and to your princess. From medication, to bathing, to getting you in and out of the car, the chair, to helping you relieve yourself. We came up with a system for everything. We were such a good team, in sync, predicted the other moves so well. Boy could we dance, always in the same rhythm.
It was when we danced that night in 1998 I knew you were the one. I knew I couldn't let you go, I had to choose the path that included you. No matter how difficult, I had to take the risk and I did.
And here I am, on a new path. It's difficult and complicated. This new path, this chapter 2 is good, worth the risk, worth the work, yet I still feel alone, empty at times. It seems to be when I'm by myself, no distractions, no work filing my mind so as to not allow other thoughts to enter. The void returns when my second love is not here. What happened to my strength? My ability to exist in this life and at least fake it, yes it hurt to smile, but I was able to do it. Theses last few days I couldn't even do that. I was consumed, my confidence, my ability to make simple decisions, just gone. I even had a slight anxiety episode where I needed to focus on breathing and find a visual point to focus on while at church. I couldn't breath because the void in my chest was spreading to my throat, I felt so alone sitting in that pew. I thought this horrid void was gone, chapter two doesn't take it away. I hope others realize that, I don't know how I expect others to understand when it doesn't make sense to me.
I must remind myself again, the sun has set and it will rise again tomorrow.
I miss you handsome man.
I long to hold your hand my dear
take care.
You know that nickname would no longer fly. Well, it doesn't fly in her life now without her father, without her dad. Who knows, maybe if you were still alive and in her life she would still be princess. It's hard for me to imagine a world with you here, it's too painful, I'm too practical. It's kinda like when you would want to look at houses and we were no where near ready to move. We would look at homes on the market and we vaguely talked about moving. I would find the perfect house, imagine our furniture in the house, even picture where all the book shelves would go, then be crest fallen realizing it wouldn't happen because realistically we would move MAYBE the next year. Also when power ball got huge, like on the news huge, we would day dream what we would if it happened to us. When the numbers came out and our streak continued of getting not one single number, I was actually disappointed. I guess for that reason I can't think of 2016, 2017, 2018 and beyond with you alive. My brain just can't do it because it is absolutely impossible. I was there sitting in a chair when you took that last audible breath. When we all waited, holding our own breath to see if air would enter your lungs for just another moment of life on this planet. It didn't. I relive that moment, from time to time. There are so many moments that dance in my head, words said. Of late it's all moments of your last months & weeks in this life. The hospital, having to leave work because the news was so bad I just couldn't be there and I couldn't come home. Asking M if this was your last Christmas, her response burned into my brain, "I hope not"
It was.
My Mom's last Christmas she was suppose to be here. She was too sick to travel and never spent a Christmas with her granddaughter. There is not even a memory for her, nothing. Stories, words, maybe a few pictures. Like you three months after Christmas she was gone. Watching her fretful sleep, not really sleep, a state of being, existence. We watched for signs of pain, her grimacing face, a cue that she needed more pain medication. That first night I spent in the hospital, it was just my Mom and me. Her organs shutting down. She was so warm, perspiring. I applied cold compresses to her forehead, feeding my need to help her in some way, to give her comfort.
Five years later I would have that need again, this time I had more roles as care giver, to you and to your princess. From medication, to bathing, to getting you in and out of the car, the chair, to helping you relieve yourself. We came up with a system for everything. We were such a good team, in sync, predicted the other moves so well. Boy could we dance, always in the same rhythm.
It was when we danced that night in 1998 I knew you were the one. I knew I couldn't let you go, I had to choose the path that included you. No matter how difficult, I had to take the risk and I did.
And here I am, on a new path. It's difficult and complicated. This new path, this chapter 2 is good, worth the risk, worth the work, yet I still feel alone, empty at times. It seems to be when I'm by myself, no distractions, no work filing my mind so as to not allow other thoughts to enter. The void returns when my second love is not here. What happened to my strength? My ability to exist in this life and at least fake it, yes it hurt to smile, but I was able to do it. Theses last few days I couldn't even do that. I was consumed, my confidence, my ability to make simple decisions, just gone. I even had a slight anxiety episode where I needed to focus on breathing and find a visual point to focus on while at church. I couldn't breath because the void in my chest was spreading to my throat, I felt so alone sitting in that pew. I thought this horrid void was gone, chapter two doesn't take it away. I hope others realize that, I don't know how I expect others to understand when it doesn't make sense to me.
I must remind myself again, the sun has set and it will rise again tomorrow.
I miss you handsome man.
I long to hold your hand my dear
take care.
Wednesday, December 12, 2018
in between
I feel broken, drained, tired, no energy. It hurts to smile, I have no energy to even fake it. Empty. I am so torn. The new in my life, I try to focus on that, the good. Today was so difficult. I was swallowed by the void, there was nothing I could do. Escape. I am so exhausted, tired of an existence yet yearn for the new to grow and blossom. This is my life.
Solitude
Days off in solitude are still difficult, this time of year does not help. Usually I have many errands to complete, places to visit, tasks to accomplish. Today I do not, today I'm on my own, well I guess I'm never truly on my own, you're always with me one way or another, my thoughts, my smiles, my tears.
This morning I went to mass, I got there a bit early and the chapel was full of senior citizens, they were praying the rosary. Something I learned and long forgotten, sorry Sister Mary Potter. It me thinking, some day I will be one of those senior citizens, well at least I hope I will I've learned in this life the future is not a given. I digress, some day if I have the fortune to be on this earth in my eighties and those around me going to a daily mass, we may not know the prayers of the rosary, well at least with out the aid of a prayer book. What is our world shaping into? This is a true question, not meant to be pessimistic by any means, just an honest curiosity of the unknown future I may or may not share in.
I will retire to my day of solitude and complete my chores of laundry and continue to contemplate the future.
take care
love you my handsome man and my dear
This morning I went to mass, I got there a bit early and the chapel was full of senior citizens, they were praying the rosary. Something I learned and long forgotten, sorry Sister Mary Potter. It me thinking, some day I will be one of those senior citizens, well at least I hope I will I've learned in this life the future is not a given. I digress, some day if I have the fortune to be on this earth in my eighties and those around me going to a daily mass, we may not know the prayers of the rosary, well at least with out the aid of a prayer book. What is our world shaping into? This is a true question, not meant to be pessimistic by any means, just an honest curiosity of the unknown future I may or may not share in.
I will retire to my day of solitude and complete my chores of laundry and continue to contemplate the future.
take care
love you my handsome man and my dear
Sunday, September 30, 2018
"The Orchestra Plays On"
2 more pictures on the wall & 1 put away. Maybe that’s 2 steps forward.
Found an old journal I tried to start with only 1 entry, 12/9/14. A promise to write everyday, a promise I couldn’t keep.
A poem of sorts I wrote in my youth, a journal from that time. I’ve let it all go.
January 12, 1999
The Orchestra Plays On
He is the beginning, he is the end
And all the beauty in between
With the curl of each hair on his head
begins the wonderful being I pledge my love.
His eyebrows gently introduce his eyes,
the portal to his soul.
His star so intense with love & compassion,
I can't help but feel the calming whisper of his embrace.
It's almost as if his eyes peek right through me, to the innermost core of my soul.
A soul he absolutely illuminates with those portals of shining brown.
I can can picture his lips highlighted with tin prickles, the gentlest prickles I've ever caressed.
These lips are the source of a myriad marvels.
His thoughts become materialized with chose words animated with those prickled lined lips
and his brown portals expressing his beautiful soul.
A soul so magnificent, its source is within his strong, giving heart.
A heart that rhythmically beats and joins my own to create the greatest orchestra,
conducted by our enjoined soul.
An orchestra that I am privileged to hear the rest of my life.
A lifetime where we shall walk, side by side, hand in hand,
laced with each others fingers, grasping the other.
His hands are so strong, strong enough to carry & gentle enough to provide.
The lines of his palm tell our story of which we have not yet lived.
The characters and narrator will be revealed each day as we take each breath & share our lives.
We will live these lined stories of his hands & pass them on to our children as we sit at the kitchen table
laughing
I'll still watch those prickled lined lips.
We'll talk, walk
We'll run
We'll stand in each other's presence and just stare, completely at peace, completely happy.
As I sit here tonight peering out the plastic window & only darkness surrounds
I see in the distance a great illumination expressed with the gleam of brown portals
I hear a beautiful melody
and feel the prickled lined lips
I can almost taste him
his strong hands on my back
his arms embracing me
our soul being nourished
And the orchestra plays on.
-KJB
The title of this poem from my youth is striking because I've shared the beauty of the orchestra
with you a few times now. Through all the pain the beauty of the orchestra continues to make such wonderful music,
to evoke a wild array of emotions. Seeing these items of my past bring up memories and some pain,
however the memories we've made are starting to help the old memories not be so painful;
if that makes any sense at all.
take care,
Tuesday, September 25, 2018
I shouldn't have
I shouldn't have done it, but I did. It's like looking at an automobile accident, there is no good to come out of it, in my case it brings me backwards. Being tired does not help. I took a shower, didn't do much for me tonight, so much for self care.
I have so much to be happy about, so much to look forward, hell just living in the now is wonderful. I look forward to texts, to conversations, to touch. It's more than not being alone, it's being with you. Why then, why am I in this void, why is the hollow starting to grow and consume me. I shouldn't have done it. It's a reminder, how dare I come so far, to find happiness, to find love twice in a lifetime, how can that be even possible, how dare I. It's really not fair, some people never find love in a single lifetime, what makes me so special. I truly feel guilty. I know it sounds silly and dumb, being tired does not help. I should really go to sleep. I sit here with new and old pictures mingling, I've even taken some down because I was ready, I sit here as the salted tears roll down my face escaping my eyes, ojos del mar.
I've forgotten how good you were with words, how those words made me feel so good, gave me confidence. I've forgotten how good it feels to hear those words and actually believe you. I miss that, if that's vain, then I admit it, I really miss that.
Why did I step into the waves? You pulled me out and brought me to shore, to safety. It's one thing when the waves come to you and hit you and drown you, it's completely something else to walk into the waves. I don't know why I did it. I'm sorry. The empty is swallowing me tonight, the void is consuming me, I don't even know why. I'm tired, I will lay and close my eyes and hope tomorrow will be be better.
take care,
I have so much to be happy about, so much to look forward, hell just living in the now is wonderful. I look forward to texts, to conversations, to touch. It's more than not being alone, it's being with you. Why then, why am I in this void, why is the hollow starting to grow and consume me. I shouldn't have done it. It's a reminder, how dare I come so far, to find happiness, to find love twice in a lifetime, how can that be even possible, how dare I. It's really not fair, some people never find love in a single lifetime, what makes me so special. I truly feel guilty. I know it sounds silly and dumb, being tired does not help. I should really go to sleep. I sit here with new and old pictures mingling, I've even taken some down because I was ready, I sit here as the salted tears roll down my face escaping my eyes, ojos del mar.
I've forgotten how good you were with words, how those words made me feel so good, gave me confidence. I've forgotten how good it feels to hear those words and actually believe you. I miss that, if that's vain, then I admit it, I really miss that.
Why did I step into the waves? You pulled me out and brought me to shore, to safety. It's one thing when the waves come to you and hit you and drown you, it's completely something else to walk into the waves. I don't know why I did it. I'm sorry. The empty is swallowing me tonight, the void is consuming me, I don't even know why. I'm tired, I will lay and close my eyes and hope tomorrow will be be better.
take care,
Friday, July 6, 2018
Being with the trees, not observing the forrest.
Went to a place again, last time & first time I was there we were a family of three and we brought along AS. Our princess was seven, and she does not remember. She only has three maybe even four years of memories with you in them. Most of her stories and memories take place a mere year before your diagnosis. Soon the years of memories will be shorter than the years without you. It's not fair, neither is life, as I was told so often growing up, a lesson I was warned about, a lesson I live with each day.
Memories
I can remember things good and bad
Memories I want to relive and others I don't
Memories of thing I once had, but do not have any more
Things I wish I had but I do not have any more
I need the memories, no matter what they make me feel
The pain or the joy but they are mine so I must cherish them.
Memories
C.C.S.
Now it feels like four. Words, I'm trying, really I am. I need to learn a new phrase and find the courage to say another. Why is late an adjective for dead. I suppose it's a polite word to make people feel comfortable. I met a new person, making small talk like I do, where are you from? A commonality I discovered between you and him. The phrase should have been, my late husband, not to invite sympathy or create attention, but to provide clarity.
That word may become part of my vocabulary once again. To actually think this through, it's a bit scary. When I'm with you everything just feels natural and right, like of course that's where our path will lead. The scary is becoming smaller and smaller, it's barely visible at all now. Then I think practically, realistically, and it feels so far away, patience.
That is something I had with you, it didn't necessarily matter when things happened, especially little things. When it was family time, there was no time crunch or time line. I was reminded of that today. Sometimes I get caught up in all that needs to be completed and I lose the moment. Yesterday was another example of that as well. We got there when we got there, the time together, in the moment, creating memories, soon there'll be words that outsiders will need explanations for.
Words, I don't know what to call you, I know what you are, I understand your significance, just don't know how to verbalize it to others. I think it's like going in the pool, you ease your way into the cold water, getting use to the temperature, eventually you have to decide you're going in and you just do it. I was so close with an introduction the other day, then I just couldn't do it. Part of me feels the title is juvenile, immature, but then I don't have any other ideas. I don't know how to fix it. It's society, it's labels, but I want to give you that label, that title really. I'm only up to my knees, getting use to the cold temperature, I will just dive in eventually, just a bit longer is all.
take care my dear, I love you.
Monday, June 18, 2018
3rd base
And 12 hours more, I'm tired. It is done and I wait a bit longer for the all clear. I'm so glad you were there, holding my hand, your fretting was so cute, you must really like me as the nurse said. I am so glad I kept the promise and kept it honestly. I've learned being honest is so much better, I think I'm doing so more than I ever did in the past. I use to keep quiet about little things, eventually they became big things, I'd blow up and we work it out and move on. That's how our dynamic worked, eventually I just didn't let little things become big things. Now I know that little things are important, I remember learning, someone once told me before I ever got married, before I ever dreamt it was even possible, she said, before you get upset with someone you love, ask yourself if this "issue" will be important five years from now, does leaving dirty socks on the floor really going to make a difference five year from now or whatever the issue. Obviously if they're not picked up for five year, then yeah, I think my humor is being influenced by the drugs in my system from earlier. It's all about how you handle and how you share what's bothering you. Being honest, yes is so important, being calm and honest is even more important. I do love you, I know it's tough to follow to whom I am addressing, I will again blame the drugs and let you figure that out.
Thank you for making me say it, thank you for being patient, I'm enjoying life again even on third base.
I love you my dear.
take care.
Thank you for making me say it, thank you for being patient, I'm enjoying life again even on third base.
I love you my dear.
take care.
13 hours
I wrote some letters tonight. Some I hope are not read, well at least for years to come. I think my experience has changed how I process the future and it's uncertainty. Tomorrow, well really in about 12 hours I'll be having a procedure, the term I'm using for our little girl to keep the anxiety and fear at bay. It's nothing major, really shouldn't be concerned, youth is on my side, statistics are on my side. It's those last two facts that change my out look, you too had youth and statistics and now you don't. I'm also nervous about what will come in a few weeks, the information, the knowledge. If something goes wrong, I'm not afraid for me, I ache for our little girl, not so little anymore. I don't want her to go through it all again, now with more knowledge, more experience. Why can't life just be the sun coming up and the sun coming down day after day, why can't my life be like that? Days filled with hearing made up jokes, reading a few more pages just to see what happens, hiking through paths seeing all the little things and imagining what lives in the forrest as we walk through. Why so much complication, is it too much to ask for mere happiness, love without complications, without the threat of it all coming to an end. I feel like I've had enough, more than my share.
I've asked her to always look for the good in every person, in every situation, it may not always be easy to find, but it is there. I must take my own advice and search or simply just let the good reveal itself.
I am not making much sense, I know. I am tired. I should sleep.
13 hours from now, we shall see.
love you handsome man, though I feel you are farther and farther away, even here there seems to be so much distance.
take care,
I've asked her to always look for the good in every person, in every situation, it may not always be easy to find, but it is there. I must take my own advice and search or simply just let the good reveal itself.
I am not making much sense, I know. I am tired. I should sleep.
13 hours from now, we shall see.
love you handsome man, though I feel you are farther and farther away, even here there seems to be so much distance.
take care,
Saturday, April 14, 2018
Tomorrows and the demon.
I'm here again, tired, exhausted, I don't allow myself to sleep. I think it's because I don't want tomorrow to come, I don't know how many tomorrows there will be left. You have no more tomorrows, neither does my Mom, and the uncertainty that lies ahead keeps me from sleep.
The fucking demon is back, the demon that's plagued my life these last 10 years. I thought it was gone in 2010 when it took my Mom, five years later it took you, and now it's fucking back. I feel like it knows when happiness is born and that's when it lays it roots to destroy.
Our daughter was just a year old, the demon laid it's claws and latched into my Mom, two years later she was gone. No one to turn to for "Mom" advice, for home remedies, to share the latest funny story of her grandchild. A grandchild that has absolutely no memory of her Nona, even though that little three year old danced at her wake. Our life was just starting here in our new home, no phone calls, no visits, no cards in the mailbox with her distinguished handwriting.
The darkness wasn't as dark as time moved forward and the tomorrows continued to dawn. Eventually the sun overcame the shadows and happiness was trying to push through, like Spring tries to push through the snow and cold even in April. I made some changes with my career and tried to make a difference, to see people in their environment, not just a face in front of me, I made an effort to learn their story. That didn't last long because the demon reared it's ugly head and this time took you away from me, away from our little girl. The darkness was back and consumed me, took my life, left me with a hollowness and emptiness words can not describe. There were days I did not want to live another tomorrow I wanted to be consumed by the empty, to just disappear. I found strength for our daughter, strength to face tomorrow with her always in my mind. The demon claimed you, then took you 11 months later.
It's been 3 years and two days, (since I don't allow myself to sleep tonight it's technically 3 years and three days). Guess what, happiness and joy were creeping back into my life, I've kept my promise & didn't give up. The bastard is back.
I don't want to do this again, haven't I passed the test, proven I'm strong, proven I can handle a great deal of pain, grief, emptiness. I'm still here, still strong, still keeping it together. Joy, happiness, excitement, were all pages returning to my story, even my faith was starting to return to my life. Right on cue the fucking demon is back.
I am so tired. My head aches. Tomorrow is on the way.
I love you handsome man.
take care
The fucking demon is back, the demon that's plagued my life these last 10 years. I thought it was gone in 2010 when it took my Mom, five years later it took you, and now it's fucking back. I feel like it knows when happiness is born and that's when it lays it roots to destroy.
Our daughter was just a year old, the demon laid it's claws and latched into my Mom, two years later she was gone. No one to turn to for "Mom" advice, for home remedies, to share the latest funny story of her grandchild. A grandchild that has absolutely no memory of her Nona, even though that little three year old danced at her wake. Our life was just starting here in our new home, no phone calls, no visits, no cards in the mailbox with her distinguished handwriting.
The darkness wasn't as dark as time moved forward and the tomorrows continued to dawn. Eventually the sun overcame the shadows and happiness was trying to push through, like Spring tries to push through the snow and cold even in April. I made some changes with my career and tried to make a difference, to see people in their environment, not just a face in front of me, I made an effort to learn their story. That didn't last long because the demon reared it's ugly head and this time took you away from me, away from our little girl. The darkness was back and consumed me, took my life, left me with a hollowness and emptiness words can not describe. There were days I did not want to live another tomorrow I wanted to be consumed by the empty, to just disappear. I found strength for our daughter, strength to face tomorrow with her always in my mind. The demon claimed you, then took you 11 months later.
It's been 3 years and two days, (since I don't allow myself to sleep tonight it's technically 3 years and three days). Guess what, happiness and joy were creeping back into my life, I've kept my promise & didn't give up. The bastard is back.
I don't want to do this again, haven't I passed the test, proven I'm strong, proven I can handle a great deal of pain, grief, emptiness. I'm still here, still strong, still keeping it together. Joy, happiness, excitement, were all pages returning to my story, even my faith was starting to return to my life. Right on cue the fucking demon is back.
I am so tired. My head aches. Tomorrow is on the way.
I love you handsome man.
take care
Monday, February 12, 2018
It's coming
I'm tired my love. I don't feel any better even after a shower. It's coming, I can feel it. Spring. A time when the snow melts, new life begins, flowers bloom. It's not here now, it's cold and dry out, harsh, but it's coming. I can remember you enjoying being outside, letting the sun hit your face that day in March. You were coming back from your radiation treatment, before I did what I had to do. The sun hit your face and it was a glorious moment for you. Spring is coming, the season of life, just not for me and our daughter. Spring reminds me of your death, the end of your life. We had one last week together at home, Spring Break 2015. We had our trip to Paris that week, passports and all. We even had airplane snacks, an inflight movie, and upon arrival we visited the louvre. All things you'll never do, never a stamp in your now expired passport, your eyes will never see the Mona Lisa in person, not even a plane ride across the ocean. Those somedays never came for you, when they arrive for your princess & me it will be amazing and painful all at the same time.
Your princess has grown up so much since last you and she spoke. She's not a princess anymore, parish the thought really. She is quick witted like you, enjoys browsing the bookstores, she's excellent with direction, and she is quite a young lady now.
The hole is back, I feel like it's swallowing me whole. I'm drowning, I'm overwhelmed, it hurts all over again, I don't know why. There is no why, there is no timeline, there is no reason. I am hollow once again.
I love you handsome man.
take care.
Your princess has grown up so much since last you and she spoke. She's not a princess anymore, parish the thought really. She is quick witted like you, enjoys browsing the bookstores, she's excellent with direction, and she is quite a young lady now.
The hole is back, I feel like it's swallowing me whole. I'm drowning, I'm overwhelmed, it hurts all over again, I don't know why. There is no why, there is no timeline, there is no reason. I am hollow once again.
I love you handsome man.
take care.
Thursday, January 25, 2018
Surpassed
Surpassed. I saw a message about a friend's wedding anniversary. Our years are being surpassed by couples that got married after we did. No more remembering how many years we were married by looking at the current year and just subtracting one. It would have been 17 years this year; it stopped at 13 years for us. No more. Friends that looked to us as marriage role models are celebrating anniversaries beyond ours, I don't know why that hurts so much? Seeing that post, seventeen years. We didn't even hit a big milestone, no 15 year or 20 year celebrations for us.
I have another anniversary coming up, Saturday, it'll be 24 years at my job. Something I started before you were part of my life and now you're gone.
I looked at your obituary today, don't know why, but I felt the need to read it again. I'm a decent writer when I need to be and I'm very proud of the words I came up with that day in April. One of the hardest things I had to write.
I'm tired love, I'm run down, I'm drowning, I'm trying. It really hurts there will be no more years to count.
All this from a simple expression of joy. I remember working with this friend a little over three years ago, she was so kind. She mentioned something in the news about a young woman choosing to give up her fight with cancer and her explanation to her husband, it was very sad and it was a topic on the radio. This friend who celebrates 17 years tonight said something about the story, I politely asked if we could talk about something else. She didn't realize how it affected me and she felt bad. I did not say anything in particular, I just asked to change the subject, I'm sure once she realized it reminded me of what was happening at home she felt bad for bringing it up. I didn't know until much later, but this friend secretly called you and asked you to call me at work. You did of course and you made me laugh as usual and made everything better.
There were so many times even before you were sick, I could just call you from work and hear your voice. I knew everything would be ok from just hearing your voice. You would tell me you're proud of me. I'm starting to forget all the little things you use to say. I don't like that.
Grow old with me
Come home safe
I'm proud of you
Olive Juice
Cakes
I wonder what sayings you would have had for your princess. You exclaimed Carpe Diem every day to our Norwegian son, every day before you dropped him off his junior year in high school. I do remember you asked your princess if she had fun, be it at school or a gathering of friends, or after any time really.
Another year for her as well, another candle on the cake, you'll always be "Daddy" never transitioning to Dad. I went from Mommy to Mom, and your title will never change though she has in so many ways in nearly three years now.
My mind is everywhere tonight and it's stuck on one place. My head hurts, my heart breaks again. When will this end, never I'm afraid. Every happy occasion will be sprinkled with sadness because you are not there to share in the joy. In a few months your princess will move on to the next phase in her education. No one to ask, did you have fun?
I am so tired, my body aches, my head hurts, and my insides hollow. The day is done. Tomorrow will come.
I love you handsome man.
take care,
I have another anniversary coming up, Saturday, it'll be 24 years at my job. Something I started before you were part of my life and now you're gone.
I looked at your obituary today, don't know why, but I felt the need to read it again. I'm a decent writer when I need to be and I'm very proud of the words I came up with that day in April. One of the hardest things I had to write.
I'm tired love, I'm run down, I'm drowning, I'm trying. It really hurts there will be no more years to count.
All this from a simple expression of joy. I remember working with this friend a little over three years ago, she was so kind. She mentioned something in the news about a young woman choosing to give up her fight with cancer and her explanation to her husband, it was very sad and it was a topic on the radio. This friend who celebrates 17 years tonight said something about the story, I politely asked if we could talk about something else. She didn't realize how it affected me and she felt bad. I did not say anything in particular, I just asked to change the subject, I'm sure once she realized it reminded me of what was happening at home she felt bad for bringing it up. I didn't know until much later, but this friend secretly called you and asked you to call me at work. You did of course and you made me laugh as usual and made everything better.
There were so many times even before you were sick, I could just call you from work and hear your voice. I knew everything would be ok from just hearing your voice. You would tell me you're proud of me. I'm starting to forget all the little things you use to say. I don't like that.
Grow old with me
Come home safe
I'm proud of you
Olive Juice
Cakes
I wonder what sayings you would have had for your princess. You exclaimed Carpe Diem every day to our Norwegian son, every day before you dropped him off his junior year in high school. I do remember you asked your princess if she had fun, be it at school or a gathering of friends, or after any time really.
Another year for her as well, another candle on the cake, you'll always be "Daddy" never transitioning to Dad. I went from Mommy to Mom, and your title will never change though she has in so many ways in nearly three years now.
My mind is everywhere tonight and it's stuck on one place. My head hurts, my heart breaks again. When will this end, never I'm afraid. Every happy occasion will be sprinkled with sadness because you are not there to share in the joy. In a few months your princess will move on to the next phase in her education. No one to ask, did you have fun?
I am so tired, my body aches, my head hurts, and my insides hollow. The day is done. Tomorrow will come.
I love you handsome man.
take care,
Tuesday, January 2, 2018
half
Yesterday we celebrated your birthday. I say yesterday, only because I do not allow myself to sleep tonight. It was a lovely day. Today it hits. The start of another year without you. You're getting farther and farther away from me, I can't remember your voice any more.
I looked at your phone today, I read your text messages to your princess and realized you started a message to her and didn't finish or send. I just left it in the box awaiting to be sent. All it read was Hey. You loved her so much. Now all she has is me, I am doing my best, love, I promise. It just came to me, we decided to only have one child so we can give her everything, wouldn't have to divide anything in half. There would be no questions of favorites, she would have all the love from two, that was our thinking. Now she only has me, the love of one parent, half.
God I miss you. I also looked at our text messages. You loved me so much and I loved you with everything that I am. Those messages reminded me of all the little jokes we had between us, the kind that only you and I would understand at the mention of a word or a picture. Like Beethoven's favorite fruit and what that alluded to. Gman was a nickname for our cat, these days Gman is a nick name our daughter came up with for Grandpa. Life has changed and your not here to see it. One of your favorite authors was awarded the Nobel prize in literature last year, Kazuo Ishiguro. I know you would still be pulling for Javier Marias, but you've enjoyed and recommended quite a few Ishiguro novels. There are songs being composed your ears will never hear, newly arranged pieces of classical music you'll never enjoy, you won't hear pomp and circumstance played at our daughter's graduation. Only half of us will be there to hear those notes played, only me.
Tonight I feel like half of me died two years, three months, and 11 days ago. The half of my soul that carried the happiness, the hope, the passion, that half is gone and a painful hollow has taken it's place. My mind tells me the sun will rise tomorrow and time will pass. It will get better in the tomorrows to come, it is not tomorrow right now, it is life.
I love you handsome man.
take care
I looked at your phone today, I read your text messages to your princess and realized you started a message to her and didn't finish or send. I just left it in the box awaiting to be sent. All it read was Hey. You loved her so much. Now all she has is me, I am doing my best, love, I promise. It just came to me, we decided to only have one child so we can give her everything, wouldn't have to divide anything in half. There would be no questions of favorites, she would have all the love from two, that was our thinking. Now she only has me, the love of one parent, half.
God I miss you. I also looked at our text messages. You loved me so much and I loved you with everything that I am. Those messages reminded me of all the little jokes we had between us, the kind that only you and I would understand at the mention of a word or a picture. Like Beethoven's favorite fruit and what that alluded to. Gman was a nickname for our cat, these days Gman is a nick name our daughter came up with for Grandpa. Life has changed and your not here to see it. One of your favorite authors was awarded the Nobel prize in literature last year, Kazuo Ishiguro. I know you would still be pulling for Javier Marias, but you've enjoyed and recommended quite a few Ishiguro novels. There are songs being composed your ears will never hear, newly arranged pieces of classical music you'll never enjoy, you won't hear pomp and circumstance played at our daughter's graduation. Only half of us will be there to hear those notes played, only me.
Tonight I feel like half of me died two years, three months, and 11 days ago. The half of my soul that carried the happiness, the hope, the passion, that half is gone and a painful hollow has taken it's place. My mind tells me the sun will rise tomorrow and time will pass. It will get better in the tomorrows to come, it is not tomorrow right now, it is life.
I love you handsome man.
take care
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