Being with the trees, not observing the forrest.

Went to a place again, last time & first time I was there we were a family of three and we brought along AS.  Our princess was seven, and she does not remember.  She only has three maybe even four years of memories with you in them.  Most of her stories and memories take place a mere year before your diagnosis. Soon the years of memories will be shorter than the years without you. It's not fair, neither is life, as I was told so often growing up, a lesson I was warned about, a lesson I live with each day.

Memories

I can remember things good and bad

Memories I want to relive and others I don't

Memories of thing I once had, but do not have any more

Things I wish I had but I do not have any more

I need the memories, no matter what they make me feel

The pain or the joy but they are mine so I must cherish them. 

Memories 

C.C.S.

Now it feels like four. Words, I'm trying, really I am.  I need to learn a new phrase and find the courage to say another.  Why is late an adjective for dead.  I suppose it's a polite word to make people feel comfortable.  I met a new person, making small talk like I do, where are you from?  A commonality I discovered between you and him.  The phrase should have been, my late husband, not to invite sympathy or create attention, but to provide clarity.  

That word may become part of my vocabulary once again.  To actually think this through, it's a bit scary.  When I'm with you everything just feels natural and right, like of course that's where our path will lead. The scary is becoming smaller and smaller, it's barely visible at all now.   Then I think practically, realistically, and it feels so far away, patience.  

That is something I had with you, it didn't necessarily matter when things happened, especially little things.  When it was family time, there was no time crunch or time line.  I was reminded of that today.  Sometimes I get caught up in all that needs to be completed and I lose the moment.  Yesterday was another example of that as well.  We got there when we got there, the time together, in the moment, creating memories, soon there'll be words that outsiders will need explanations for.  

Words, I don't know what to call you, I know what you are, I understand your significance, just don't know how to verbalize it to others.  I think it's like going in the pool, you ease your way into the cold water, getting use to the temperature, eventually you have to decide you're going in and you just do it.  I was so close with an introduction the other day, then I just couldn't do it.  Part of me feels the title is juvenile, immature, but then I don't have any other ideas.  I don't know how to fix it. It's society, it's labels, but I want to give you that label, that title really.  I'm only up to my knees, getting use to the cold temperature, I will just dive in eventually, just a bit longer is all. 

take care my dear, I love you.