I looked at your phone today, I read your text messages to your princess and realized you started a message to her and didn't finish or send. I just left it in the box awaiting to be sent. All it read was Hey. You loved her so much. Now all she has is me, I am doing my best, love, I promise. It just came to me, we decided to only have one child so we can give her everything, wouldn't have to divide anything in half. There would be no questions of favorites, she would have all the love from two, that was our thinking. Now she only has me, the love of one parent, half.
God I miss you. I also looked at our text messages. You loved me so much and I loved you with everything that I am. Those messages reminded me of all the little jokes we had between us, the kind that only you and I would understand at the mention of a word or a picture. Like Beethoven's favorite fruit and what that alluded to. Gman was a nickname for our cat, these days Gman is a nick name our daughter came up with for Grandpa. Life has changed and your not here to see it. One of your favorite authors was awarded the Nobel prize in literature last year, Kazuo Ishiguro. I know you would still be pulling for Javier Marias, but you've enjoyed and recommended quite a few Ishiguro novels. There are songs being composed your ears will never hear, newly arranged pieces of classical music you'll never enjoy, you won't hear pomp and circumstance played at our daughter's graduation. Only half of us will be there to hear those notes played, only me.
Tonight I feel like half of me died two years, three months, and 11 days ago. The half of my soul that carried the happiness, the hope, the passion, that half is gone and a painful hollow has taken it's place. My mind tells me the sun will rise tomorrow and time will pass. It will get better in the tomorrows to come, it is not tomorrow right now, it is life.
I love you handsome man.
take care
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