Surpassed

Surpassed.  I saw a message about a friend's wedding anniversary.  Our years are being surpassed by couples that got married after we did.  No more remembering how many years we were married  by looking at the current year and just subtracting one.  It would have been 17 years this year; it stopped at 13 years for us.  No more.  Friends that looked to us as marriage role models are celebrating anniversaries beyond ours,  I don't know why that hurts so much?  Seeing that post, seventeen years.  We didn't even hit a big milestone, no 15 year or 20 year celebrations for us. 

I have another anniversary coming up, Saturday, it'll be 24 years at my job.  Something I started before you were part of my life and now you're gone.

I looked at your obituary today, don't know why, but I felt the need to read it again.  I'm a decent writer when I need to be and I'm very proud of the words I came up with that day in April.  One of the hardest things I had to write. 

I'm tired love, I'm run down, I'm drowning, I'm trying. It really hurts there will be no more years to count. 

All this from a simple expression of joy.  I remember working with this friend a little over three years ago, she was so kind.  She mentioned something in the news about a young woman choosing to give up her fight with cancer and her explanation to her husband, it was very sad and it was a topic on the radio.  This friend who celebrates 17 years tonight said something about the story, I politely asked if we could talk about something else.  She didn't realize how it affected me and she felt bad.  I did not say anything in particular, I just asked to change the subject, I'm sure once she realized it reminded me of what was happening at home she felt bad for bringing it up.  I didn't know until much later, but this friend secretly called you and asked you to call me at work.  You did of course and you made me laugh as usual and made everything better. 

There were so many times even before you were sick, I could just call you from work and hear your voice.  I knew everything would be ok from just hearing your voice.  You would tell me you're proud of me.  I'm starting to forget all the little things you use to say.  I don't like that.

Grow old with me
Come home safe
I'm proud of you
Olive Juice
Cakes


I wonder what sayings you would have had for your princess.  You exclaimed Carpe Diem every day to our Norwegian son, every day before you dropped him off his junior year in high school.  I do remember you asked your princess if she had fun, be it at school or a gathering of friends, or after any time really. 

Another year for her as well, another candle on the cake, you'll always be "Daddy" never transitioning to Dad.  I went from Mommy to Mom, and your title will never change though she has in so many ways in nearly three years now. 

My mind is everywhere tonight and it's stuck on one place.  My head hurts, my heart breaks again. When will this end, never I'm afraid.  Every happy occasion will be sprinkled with sadness because you are not there to share in the joy.  In a few months your princess will move on to the next phase in her education.  No one to ask, did you have fun?

I am so tired, my body aches, my head hurts, and my insides hollow.  The day is done.  Tomorrow will come. 

I love you handsome man.

take care,