I've heard it called a few different things. Second love, chapter 2, and a few others that escape my tired brain tonight. Chapter two does not erase this. Maybe I thought it would, maybe I feel guilty because it didn't and I also feel guilty because there is a chapter 2 for me, and you are no longer. You made me promise, a promise I reluctantly muttered out loud, you made me say it. How can this be? So much happiness and love, yet some much emptiness, especially when we are apart. Especially when I am on my own, not working, not focusing on your princess.
You know that nickname would no longer fly. Well, it doesn't fly in her life now without her father, without her dad. Who knows, maybe if you were still alive and in her life she would still be princess. It's hard for me to imagine a world with you here, it's too painful, I'm too practical. It's kinda like when you would want to look at houses and we were no where near ready to move. We would look at homes on the market and we vaguely talked about moving. I would find the perfect house, imagine our furniture in the house, even picture where all the book shelves would go, then be crest fallen realizing it wouldn't happen because realistically we would move MAYBE the next year. Also when power ball got huge, like on the news huge, we would day dream what we would if it happened to us. When the numbers came out and our streak continued of getting not one single number, I was actually disappointed. I guess for that reason I can't think of 2016, 2017, 2018 and beyond with you alive. My brain just can't do it because it is absolutely impossible. I was there sitting in a chair when you took that last audible breath. When we all waited, holding our own breath to see if air would enter your lungs for just another moment of life on this planet. It didn't. I relive that moment, from time to time. There are so many moments that dance in my head, words said. Of late it's all moments of your last months & weeks in this life. The hospital, having to leave work because the news was so bad I just couldn't be there and I couldn't come home. Asking M if this was your last Christmas, her response burned into my brain, "I hope not"
It was.
My Mom's last Christmas she was suppose to be here. She was too sick to travel and never spent a Christmas with her granddaughter. There is not even a memory for her, nothing. Stories, words, maybe a few pictures. Like you three months after Christmas she was gone. Watching her fretful sleep, not really sleep, a state of being, existence. We watched for signs of pain, her grimacing face, a cue that she needed more pain medication. That first night I spent in the hospital, it was just my Mom and me. Her organs shutting down. She was so warm, perspiring. I applied cold compresses to her forehead, feeding my need to help her in some way, to give her comfort.
Five years later I would have that need again, this time I had more roles as care giver, to you and to your princess. From medication, to bathing, to getting you in and out of the car, the chair, to helping you relieve yourself. We came up with a system for everything. We were such a good team, in sync, predicted the other moves so well. Boy could we dance, always in the same rhythm.
It was when we danced that night in 1998 I knew you were the one. I knew I couldn't let you go, I had to choose the path that included you. No matter how difficult, I had to take the risk and I did.
And here I am, on a new path. It's difficult and complicated. This new path, this chapter 2 is good, worth the risk, worth the work, yet I still feel alone, empty at times. It seems to be when I'm by myself, no distractions, no work filing my mind so as to not allow other thoughts to enter. The void returns when my second love is not here. What happened to my strength? My ability to exist in this life and at least fake it, yes it hurt to smile, but I was able to do it. Theses last few days I couldn't even do that. I was consumed, my confidence, my ability to make simple decisions, just gone. I even had a slight anxiety episode where I needed to focus on breathing and find a visual point to focus on while at church. I couldn't breath because the void in my chest was spreading to my throat, I felt so alone sitting in that pew. I thought this horrid void was gone, chapter two doesn't take it away. I hope others realize that, I don't know how I expect others to understand when it doesn't make sense to me.
I must remind myself again, the sun has set and it will rise again tomorrow.
I miss you handsome man.
I long to hold your hand my dear
take care.
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