I shouldn't have

I shouldn't have done it, but I did.  It's like looking at an automobile accident, there is no good to come out of it, in my case it brings me backwards.  Being tired does not help.  I took a shower, didn't do much for me tonight, so much for self care.

I have so much to be happy about, so much to look forward, hell just living in the now is wonderful.  I look forward to texts, to conversations, to touch.  It's more than not being alone, it's being with you.  Why then, why am I in this void, why is the hollow starting to grow and consume me.  I shouldn't have done it.  It's a reminder, how dare I come so far, to find happiness, to find love twice in a lifetime, how can that be even possible, how dare I.  It's really not fair, some people never find love in a single lifetime, what makes me so special.  I truly feel guilty.  I know it sounds silly and dumb, being tired does not help.  I should really go to sleep.  I sit here with new and old pictures mingling, I've even taken some down because I was ready, I sit here as the salted tears roll down my face escaping my eyes, ojos del mar.

I've forgotten how good you were with words, how those words made me feel so good, gave me confidence.  I've forgotten how good it feels to hear those words and actually believe you.  I miss that, if that's vain, then I admit it, I really miss that.

Why did I step into the waves?  You pulled me out and brought me to shore, to safety.  It's one thing when the waves come to you and hit you and drown you, it's completely something else to walk into the waves.  I don't know why I did it.  I'm sorry.  The empty is swallowing me tonight, the void is consuming me, I don't even know why.  I'm tired, I will lay and close my eyes and hope tomorrow will be be better.



take care,