It's coming

I'm tired my love.  I don't feel any better even after a shower.  It's coming, I can feel it.  Spring.  A time when the snow melts, new life begins, flowers bloom.  It's not here now, it's cold and dry out, harsh, but it's coming.  I can remember you enjoying being outside, letting the sun hit your face that day in March.  You were coming back from your radiation treatment, before I did what I had to do.  The sun hit your face and it was a glorious moment for you.  Spring is coming, the season of life, just not for me and our daughter.  Spring reminds me of your death, the end of your life.  We had one last week together at home, Spring Break 2015.  We had our trip to Paris that week, passports and all.  We even had airplane snacks, an inflight movie, and upon arrival we visited the louvre.  All things you'll never do, never a stamp in your now expired passport, your eyes will never see the Mona Lisa in person, not even a plane ride across the ocean.  Those somedays never came for you, when they arrive for your princess & me it will be amazing and painful all at the same time. 

Your princess has grown up so much since last you and she spoke.  She's not a princess anymore, parish the thought really.  She is quick witted like you, enjoys browsing the bookstores, she's excellent with direction, and she is quite a young lady now. 

The hole is back, I feel like it's swallowing me whole.  I'm drowning, I'm overwhelmed, it hurts all over again, I don't know why.  There is no why, there is no timeline, there is no reason. I am hollow once again. 

I love you handsome man.

take care.