Five years ago everything was coming together. I planned a surprise birthday party for you, I started planning a year ahead of time. People came from Des Moines, Chicago, and all over the twin cities. We had the surprise in the morning so we could spend the day with our friends. It was just perfect! My dear mentioned having a live funeral or something along those lines, why wait to celebrate a life once the individual is dead. Come together in life and create memories when we are all alive to enjoy them. I guess I did that without even knowing. I had no idea your next birthday would be your last. Your 40th was glorious, 41 was a happy birthday, with pain in your body. I'm sure we would have had a party for your 45th, probably not a surprise, but a party none the less. I still find it funny we played chess on your birthday, New Year's Eve.
I can still hear you in the book store, "Where's Kate?" once you knew something was going on. We were all waiting for you in the kid's section, except for the one who couldn't wait any more and "bumped" into you in the store. I pulled it off, it was so joyous, it was perfect. We had coffee after, then went to lunch at Stella's. That evening we came back together, told stories about you, I even shared about our fancy crab dinner without proper crab crackers. It was wonderful to share that night with friends we made during our life together. Friends we made before we got married, from out of state, & friends we made living here.
You made up that pledge every year as well. Again making me say it, I guess you had a thing for that. I miss you.
Sometimes I wonder if you approve of choices I've made, decisions I followed through on. Then I remember you're dead and there is no approval or opinion. Trust me I've never forgotten you're dead, there is always a constant reminder, but what comes to me is that you do not have an opinion because you are no longer. It always bothers me when people ask, what would you say or think in a certain situation, I don't fucking know because you are dead. There are no more thoughts, no more ideas, no more intellect, no more anything. There is her, she reminds me of you a great deal. Her humor, sense of direction, and love of reading.
I watched a few videos of you two, she was so young. She is growing up, coming up with her own ideas, thoughts, opinions, passions, all of this she is doing without you, without your influence, without your guidance, without her dad.
I'm doing the best I can. I'm raising her alone, no input, no second opinions, just me. She and I are extremely close and we know each other better than anyone else. I still silently sob in the shower sometimes, there because she can not see. She knows when I struggle, but I won't let her see me fall apart, I have to be there for her, be the rock she needs, maybe rock is not the best description. I need to be the pillow that absorbs her screams, the bag she can squeeze so hard the emptiness is forced out, the receiver of her angry words, the wearer of the hat so she feels safe to let out all of her rage. I am the person with the ideas how to remember you, how to distract from you, how to live this life without you, how to keep going, keep learning, keep living.
Tomorrow will come, we will honor you, remember you, live. I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but the sun will set and the day will be done. I'm glad the holidays are over, I survived them again, my fourth year. I hope there is a year when the holiday season will be celebrated and not merely survived. For now I'll have to celebrate I survived and take that as a win. I miss you handsome man and this still really hurts.
take care
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