13 hours

I wrote some letters tonight.  Some I hope are not read, well at least for years to come.  I think my experience has changed how I process the future and it's uncertainty.  Tomorrow, well really in about 12 hours I'll be having a procedure, the term I'm using for our little girl to keep the anxiety and fear at bay.  It's nothing major, really shouldn't be concerned, youth is on my side, statistics are on my side.  It's those last two facts that change my out look, you too had youth and statistics and now you don't.  I'm also nervous about what will come in a few weeks, the information, the knowledge.  If something goes wrong, I'm not afraid for me, I ache for our little girl, not so little anymore.  I don't want her to go through it all again, now with more knowledge, more experience.  Why can't life just be the sun coming up and the sun coming down day after day, why can't my life be like that?  Days filled with hearing made up jokes, reading a few more pages just to see what happens, hiking through paths seeing all the little things and imagining what lives in the forrest as we walk through.  Why so much complication, is it too much to ask for mere happiness, love without complications, without the threat of it all coming to an end.  I feel like I've had enough, more than my share.

I've asked her to always look for the good in every person, in every situation, it may not always be easy to find, but it is there.  I must take my own advice and search or simply just let the good reveal itself. 

I am not making much sense, I know.  I am tired.  I should sleep. 

13 hours from now, we shall see.

love you handsome man, though I feel you are farther and farther away, even here there seems to be so much distance.


take care,