promise

My bag of tricks is getting empty.  I hope this jumping on the bed and pillow fighting works for a long time to come.  I don't know what words to say when she gets so upset, I don't know what to do, I can't take that pain away from her.   I'm so glad she talks to me and doesn't hold back.  This morning she shared with me that she's had thoughts where she wished it was me that died instead of Dad.  This was not said out of anger or to be hurtful.  She even prefaced the comment that she loves us both equally.  I could tell she was nervous & concerned, but wanted to share something with me, I told her that she could tell me anything and I wouldn't be mad.  I told her that was normal to have those feelings, I was doing my best to make her feel better and safe so she would continue to talk to me and let go of her feelings.  I have no idea if that is normal, I'd imagine it is, but the important part was that she felt better.

She also has a fear of me getting sick & in her words it gets so bad it becomes lung cancer.  She even told me about this whole scenario of me being sick in the hospital, changing rooms, getting worse, changing rooms again and I end up in the same room as you and die in the same room.  I validate her feelings by telling her that is a scary thought, but I'm okay. I saw the doctor in January and everything is fine.  I'm so glad she didn't come to me in November.  I never told you, but in March when you were in the hospital I had an ultrasound and the doctor saw something she wanted to watch.  I kept that from you and it just bothered me.  I never kept anything from you.  It was a wait and see kinda thing.  I didn't even think about it because we had so much going on.  Next month marks a year that you went into the hospital and didn't come home, even though I promised I would bring you home.  It also marks a year since our trip to "Paris" and the Louvre.  I am so sorry I told you "I hope not" when you asked me if this would be your last trip.  I remember it so clearly, getting you into the car from the house it was no easy task, you were in so much pain.  Trying to get you to your chemo treatment.  We were such a good team, we even had a routine for moving you.  Adjusting the seat back, I would lift your leg and bring it in the car, you would slide and I would bring up your other leg then we'd adjust your seat.  I still can't believe I said "I hope not" when you asked if this would be your last trip.  And then you know what I did, I convinced you to go into the hospital.  I still remember you, me, & Aunt Sherry sitting out in that damn waiting room, new pain medication prescriptions, waiting to be called back to start your chemo.  The doctor gave you a choice go to the hospital to get pain under control or go home and try another increase in dose, which would take days to start working, and you chose to go home and try the new dose.  We sat out there and I talked you into going into the hospital for pain control, I thought the IV medication would work so much faster. I promised I would bring you home, because I knew you were afraid this would be your last trip.  You agreed and then you didn't come home.  I am so so sorry.  Please forgive me.  I love you so much even still. I am so sorry.