Makes no sense at all.

I still miss you so much.  I don't know I'm just empty.  I constantly think of you, everything I hear or see reminds me of a piece of you or something we experienced.  I heard a conversation about paramedics today and I thought of all those paramedics who transported you back and forth across the street and how you treated each of them with such kindness and friendliness.  I know you were in so much pain, but you asked about their day, you amaze me.

I'm forgetting things, things you said all the time, your humor, but then I'll remember something so vividly.  I try to think about what you would say or do in a certain situation, but I have to remember I'm not you and I wouldn't handle it the same way or say the same things.  I'm definitely not as quick as you are or as funny or have that wonderful gift to make everyone feel at ease.  I am just me, and I don't measure up.

I'm doing my best to focus on others.  Help them see the good in situations or just listen without giving advice, just to be there.  Honestly sometimes I just want to stay in this room and never leave.  Never talk to people, just stay in our house.  I'm sorry, I know I'm not making any sense at all.  I'm just tired of all of this and I don't want to do it anymore.  Maybe I can just turn it all off and pretend not to care.  I've become good at pretending and faking it, maybe I can fool myself.


I love you so handsome man and miss you even more each day.

take care,