You'd be so proud of our little girl. I so wish you were there this morning, well every morning, every minute of every day, but I digress, and not in the Javier meaningful way. Our little girl comes to me this morning very nervous to tell me her news, it almost seems like she's afraid to tell me or worried about my reaction. She informs me she not only wants to destroy cancer, but she wants to end racism. I told her that's wonderful and she would be an excellent advocate to end racism. Of course that started an entire discussion about the meaning of advocacy, but she was thrilled with my response and proud of herself. Our little girl is always always thinking, even when we don't see it or realize it, it's happening. We went to this race exhibit a few weeks back, it was an excellent display and gave lots of different information and points of view. I must admit it really made me think, so much I wish I could have had a conversation with you and talked about the specifics and what it means for the world around us, for our little girl still making her way and forming her foundations of understanding humanity.
On the way to school this morning she and I had this wonderful conversation about the exhibit and she told me what struck her most and I shared with her. She even went on and told me what she knew about Rosa Parks and what she learned, probably from one of her "Who Was" books. There is so much of you in our little girl it's absolutely amazing. She's a thinker and asks lots and lots of questions, I love it and totally encourage her. She's even come to me and told me she doesn't think she believes in God, her words exactly "where's the evidence?" it's so funny because those are your words in her voice. Don't worry, you know I would never ever force anything upon her, that's why I have always been so adamant about being her teacher. I've told her that's fine if she thinks that there is no God, but I want her to have all the knowledge and information. I shared with you all those years ago about what I thought about belief. You always said I wasn't a "real" catholic, granted I don't believe in hell, I don't follow every idea of an organization just because a man with a funny hat says I should, I'm not even sure about God any more. Sometime I still can't believe you laid out your theories and evidence on our 3 day drive home from my Mom's funeral, I wasn't mad or hurt by any means it was just the two of us having a conversation about big topics and ideas, I miss that so much. It's just now that I think about it six years later it was funny timing is all, maybe it was just what I needed to focus on something bigger than me, you always knew exactly what I needed. I have to stop, it's been a wonderful morning and I can't sit here and cry.
Last night I challenged the kids in class to not "give something up" for lent, but to do something. Again she thought about it and thought about it, she decided she's going to spend more time with our pets, my response to her was "even Gatsby?" and she reluctantly said yes even Gatsby, that'll be the challenging part for her. It was just an idea I gave the kids and she took it so seriously. As for me I think I will try to stop focusing on the grief that surrounds me, and think about others and what they might be going through. A task especially difficult at work with high maintenance people. Though for the first time I didn't feel bitter when I saw an order for a cancer patient. It was for very high doses of pain medication for a person about 10 years older than you, I remembered what we went through trying to get that under control and increasing dose after dose to just astronomical numbers. That was the first time I was not bitter about those scripts, though this one in particular really hit home. These past 10 months I've wanted absolutely nothing to do with cancer information, research, or breakthroughs. I've stop following all cancer sites and even removed information someone thought would be helpful to me. I've kept this to myself and still encouraged our little girl that she can destroy cancer by going to school and studying. I know this sounds terrible, but I was so sick of hearing about Jimmy Carter and all the news of him having brain cancer & now he's miraculously cured, I should be happy for him and his family, but all I can think was he is 91 years old, he's raised his kids, he's shown the world he's a good person. It still pains me to see old couples at work, we would have been a great old couple. I have to stop. This is my problem, I think of what I don't have anymore.
I'm not ready to do the lung run again, but I'm really going to try and think about other people. Though now that I mention running I so miss running. I always feel so good after I run, it clears my mind. I'm not doing the half marathon after all, a decision I made that really bothered me. Ever since I can remember I've never given up on a challenge, I've not always been successful, but I've always tried. I think it was a good decision to make, I don't want to set my self up for failure and I don't want to get injured. It's funny how I have to think about that now, I don't have a back up anymore. When I sprained my ankle you were here to do what I couldn't. All those little things I have to think about with everything I do. I still get silently nervous when I hear a sound and don't know where or what it is. I'm so grateful for our dogs and the alarm system. I think I'll pack a bag tonight and run tomorrow. After work and before I pick up our scholar. I love you my handsome man.
take care,
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