I am so tired and drained. I think about all the loss our daughter has gone through. She went to her first funeral when she was three years old when my Mom died. April 10, 2010. You left this world five years later. April 11, 2015. Moody died a few years ago, it's terrible, but I can't remember what year she died. Then of course your Mom died February 22, 2014.
You really didn't have time to grieve for her, three months after her death you were diagnosed. I still remember that night we got that phone call. You thought it was a sick joke and you were in utter shock. I remember you telling the person on the phone "here talk to my wife" and the chaplain on the phone telling me about the car accident that killed your mother. I did everything I could, so you wouldn't have to. I remember you really made a connection with this song "Looking for Space" you would sit at this very same spot in this very same chair and listen to that song over and over and over again. I even gave the eulogy at your Mom's service, which was no easy task. I don't remember if I ever told you, but my last words to your Mom were not kind. She started one of her lectures and started to bad mouth you and I told her she couldn't talk to us like that and I hung up the phone. I distinctly remember saying "us" but I was the only one on the phone, I was the only one home. That was thing, it was alway us even when we were not together, it's how we operated, how we lived, it was our way, I've channeled Mr. Marias again, you'd be so proud. That phone conversations with your mother was the first time I ever stood up to her like that, usually I would be very meek & try to convince her that the world was not awful, or when she would speak ill of you I would usually just say something like "please don't call him that" or "it couldn't be that bad" but the last time I ever heard her voice I cut her off in mid sentence and told her "you can't talk to us like that" and simply hung up the phone. A few weeks later much to my surprise we got a huge "Valentine" package from her with gifts for all of us and notes as well. At that point you two were on good terms and I'll never forget your last phone call with your Mom. She was heading to Omaha to pick up her new car, she was so excited and you told her you were happy for her and that she deserved her happiness. We were in the garage heading out somewhere and that was the last time you would ever speak to your Mom. Hours later our phone would ring and that would be that.
We were both living in this world without our Moms, something I wish we didn't share when our little girl is still so young. I even gave the eulogy at my own Mom's funeral. I still remember sitting in the car driving from the funeral home to the church, it was just my Dad and my brother, you were at the house with our little girl. As we were making arrangements and decisions I asked about the eulogy, and I remember my brother saying he couldn't do it and I know my Dad couldn't, so I did. The wonderful supportive husband you are, you wrote it for me and I just had to read it. It was beautiful. When your Mom died I wrote it and delivered it. I remember showing it to you beforehand and you really liked it, saying you wouldn't change a thing. 14 months later I wrote your obituary.
When you hurt I hurt. When there is sorrow in your heart I feel sadness. When you are joyous I smile. Our friendship, courtship, and love made us one in everything.
We relished making each other happy. Even just little things. When we were dating in Des Moines I remember going to six different stores to find Cracklin Oat Bran cereal, just because it is your favorite and I wanted to make Christmas morning special. You, remembering a conversation we had & I told you how I always wanted to learn to play the cello since I was in grade school. You made that dream a reality with cello & lessons organized for me.
March will be here in a matter of minutes, the beginning of the end.
I love you handsome man, longing for us.
take care,
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