Pillar

I need a hug!  I need to feel loved.  I need to feel like I'm taken care of.  I am alone in this world and I give hugs to my little girl, make her feel loved, and taken care of.  I must be the pillar she needs, I just so wish there was a pillar for me.  You were my pillar and I was yours.

Just when I think I've got this thing beat, when I think I've accepted my new reality, a reality of being alone, fending for myself, when I think I've filled the void with stone so as not to hurt anymore it all crumbles.  I ache.  I'm drowning.  I can't breathe.

When our friendship began all those years ago I remember you sitting in that orange chair as we talked all night, sitting in my apartment.  You rocking back and forth, the hours ticking on, us sharing with each other until dawn.  We talked about all sorts of things, important things, not trivial nonsense.  The topic veered toward fears people have in life.  You were not afraid of death, your greatest fear was being alone.  Here I am living your fear.  We became the best of friends, we knew everything about each other.  Those conversations didn't stop once we got married, we would joke that we would die together as geriatrics, we would die making love and a customized casket would be necessary.  That was our running joke. At one time you shared with me that you would rather  I die first at a ripe old age so I wouldn't have to be alone.  As end of life approached I know you struggled, your greatest fear would be my reality.  Even in the face of death you so desperately wanted to take care of me.

I love you forever
I love you for always
For the rest of my days.


take care,