predawn thoughts

 I sit here again, my thoughts awoke me, my anxiety got me out of bed.  This place is a bit magical, but not impenetrable to my racing mind.  Clarity. This place offers me peace and clarity.  When I focus on the reason I'm here and not let the thoughts, I should say worries of the previous day force me out of bed to try and fix something I can't, to remember that those I'm trying to help do love me and see me as a blessing and not a bother.  Super K just crossed my mind.  These are the thoughts, the inner voice she battles.  We all have those inner battles, we must all learn to listen to the good that whispers, and not to the vile screams.  Whispers can have more power if you let them.  Like the gentle breeze that can come over from the single door opened just yards away.  The gentle breeze that can fill you with a feeling you haven't felt, fill you with a presence.  For my high school OT teacher she felt the presence of her sister for me it was yours on that Sunday morning as I stood there in my thoughts focusing on the event in front of me waiting to receive then serve.  I'll never forget that feeling, it moved me so much I wrote a note to the leader of the event and shared my experience.  Sometimes I wonder if that was ever read with the intention I meant, if it was truly understood as I wrote it.  My meaning of those words typed on that page read by those eyes and interpreted by his brain with his own experiences of life to guide that interpretation.  Maybe those words of mine struck a chord in his mind and it was helpful and maybe gave him a feeling of fulfillment.  My mind tends to think that my words were seen as silly or not given a second thought.  Sometimes I feel I am the only one who gives deep thoughts to words I hear, especially in a context provided in a place like this.  Sometimes I even find deep meaning in just a phrase someone says.  I would share that with you and we would have discussions about that.  I miss sharing those deep thoughts, I miss you bringing me back to the here and now.  I wonder if we really do just remember just the good, and if we do, so what.  It is my memory.  I want to remember the good, honestly I can't remember anything horrible, not between us anyway.  We shared some horrible experiences and we helped each other, even if it was just giving space.  A. told me that what I gave to you and how you made me feel was a two way street.  I was just as good for as you were for me.  Not to sound super movie corny, but we truly did complete each other.  I miss you so

take care