1st reflection

 With Grateful Hearts: Being Thankful for our Imperfections

So much to take in during this first conference.  The gift of silence.  My thoughts swirl, but not the usual anger, loss, anxiety of my thoughts at home.  My thoughts swirl with reflection and peace.  I have to admit I was getting a little annoyed with the new comers optional welcome tour, she just kept going and going, who knew I would crave this solitude.  I kinda feel bad having those thoughts of annoyance, but it's a process I've only been here a few hours, lol.  I think about the quiet in the house after you died and before I went back to work and your princess was already back at school, it's odd at this moment I'm writing as if speaking to you, but I'm not, I'm just letting my thoughts out loud, well as loud as my fingers striking the keys.  I digress, I recall being home alone quite a bit and the absolute quiet, but it was not peaceful solitude, it was a harsh reminder of my new place in the world, so much so when I did speak it was shockingly loud.  I look back at those times alone and I realize now those moments had to happen or I would not be where I am today.  I remember Robbie checking in on me and asking me to lunch or to help her at church.  She knew that me doing something, especially something helpful was really good therapy for me.  I miss her so much.  

The topic tonight really reminded me of Robbie and how I saw her live her days.  

My goodness there is so much to unpack in this evenings reflection.  I guess I'll start with part of the title, being thankful for our imperfections.  He said to let Jesus see us with our imperfections and flaws, and he said we instinctively don't want to be seen that way. He really hit the nail on the head, I cringed when he said that.  My thoughts think of my struggles at work.  I need to be more patient, more kind even though it's not an environment where time is a given.  I also need to be more patient and learn to accept imperfections of others, those that have a different work ethic.  We all have imperfections and we all have our own stories of struggle.  It should not matter if the struggle is known or not, treating everyone with compassion and kindness should be a given.  It's not easy in this world, not for me anyway, when I say not easy in this world I'm say it's not easy for me to be patient and kind to everyone in every situation.  That is something I truly need to work to improve in my daily actions.  

I'm reminded of the weeks before the diagnosis and I had a meeting with my team and shared these same sentiments.  We need to treat all of our patients with kindness, even if they do not react with kindness.  To try to remember they have a struggle in life we may not know a thing about.  A struggle or pain that may cause them to act as they do.  In my current day, in my current life with my experiences I almost feel like I get a pass because I've experience some serious shit (probably should say that at "Jesus Camp").  Some difficult things that is not common in my age range.  Then I think about the extra loss of Robbie and my Dad's health.  I think of all the stress and anxiety, but really I am so very lucky to have the life I have.  I have a roof over my head, shoes on my feet, food to eat.  More importantly I have the most wonderful daughter and watching her grow into her own person is absolutely amazing. Yes the person I felt the most loved by, the person who absolutely cherished me is no longer here to share this life and watch and mold our daughter into the amazing young woman she is.  

I have to be grateful for that love and knowing what that actually feels like.  I have to be grateful for what is here now, that she is thriving and learning to live her life in a healthy manner.  

Gratitude, my Dad as a phrase, "I'll take what the good Lord gives me and like it" he does not ever complain, at least not that I've ever heard, about his daily situation, the discomfort, pain, aches, he just keeps plugging along, moving slower some days, but he finds joy and I sometimes I'll catch him enjoying himself sitting in our living room smiling because short pants and I are going back and forth joking about this or that.  He takes it all in, even the dogs, he just takes it all in.  

Your video you made for us, I'll paraphrase here:  I feel good, I feel hopeful, it's another beautiful day with you ladies

Why is gratitude such a hard lesson to learn, maybe it's just hard for me.  It seems those that live with gratitude or those that have so much pain or are coming to terms with not having so many days on this planet.  You would think I would learn this lesson because I've lost so much.  Sometimes I feel it's hardened me.  The heart of stone was mentioned tonight, I don't remember the exact context, but I let the grief do that to me.  I was not like this before you died.  My compassion and always finding the good in people was one of the traits you loved about me, you'd still tease me about it, but none the less you still found it endearing.  I think I'm slowly returning to that mindset.  I think it helps where I am in my life right now and who surrounds me.  I need to unlearn some things and return to my silver lining finding and surround myself with people who recognize that trait, appreciate that trait, and encourage that trait even if it's through loving teasing.  

You use to tell me I was the best person you knew.  I miss that affirmation, you said it so sincerely and I would even say no, no one is perfect, you would always rebut you are.  You never ever once doubted my sincerity.  Never ever accused me of being fake or phony.  I have a hard time hiding how I feel, I may not say something, but you could always read me.  I am so grateful you were in my life for 17 years.  I have never felt more loved or cherished.  I shall say good night my love, though I know you're not there.  I will do my best to enjoy this time of silence and solitude.  

take care.