41 or 45
For a moment I couldn't remember how old you would have been on your birthday coming up. You are not 45 and you will never be 46. You are no more. 4 years 8 months. Four years, the amount of time a student starts and graduates from high school. Taking steps on a path toward the next phase. Four years, at the most that's the amount of time she has with memories of you. Soon the amount of time you've been gone will exceed the years of memories she has. That knowledge, that calculation makes it difficult to breath. I fear the numbers will be even more cruel when the years with out you will be greater than the years she had you. I can't bear to do the math a figure out what year that will be. That day will come. Dates still haunt me. Dates of birth, dates of death. I should close my eyes and go to bed.
5 five
five
five
I'm choking on the empty tonight.
take care,
Sunday, December 29, 2019
Wednesday, December 25, 2019
At this moment
This is my life at this moment. How can it be? The speaker with so many more years under his belt than I was right, it's happening, the songs, the videos, the pictures, the memories are starting to bring a smile to my face instead of tears to my eyes. Those memories of you my handsome man, my dear friend, not so much. I watched tonight, I remembered, me with more years under my belt than him. I recognized that blank stare, going through the motions, keeping things together, I caught the moment he almost lost it but pulled it through in the end. It didn't hurt to smile, I didn't have to fake it, I didn't have to look away. I don't know if it's numbers, this being the fifth Christmas without you or the third with my dear.
Your words
"Breathing in second-hand sadness"
"It's not a secret they are gone. It's not a secret you're sad about it. It's not even a secret that you will always be sad about it, it's human nature, it's life. Some cultures build rituals & ceremonies around those that they were thankful for that are no longer with us. Maybe those cultures are just really strong in your blood, your DNA, your evolution of life. "
"Two years & just now I am learning we are supposed to grieve; it must clean out our soul."
"... really laugh, the infectious laughter... I have heard that laugh in her often, I guess people that hurt deeply also love deeply, it's a balance in life."
"Each time that we breath in a memory of sadness, like oxygen our bodies can't keep it all in & we breathe a little bit of it out again. Someone near us breathes it in & breathes a little of it out. Like water, like oxygen it keeps us alive & understanding each other, tying us to each other, linking."
"When life changed, our lives changed with it. Broken hearts, broken minds led us down dark paths, looking for hope, looking for light, looking for comfort."
"We chose to continue, to grow & be more together than we were alone. This is why I think we were meant to be when we were both ready to begin life again."
"Walking hand in hand and smile in smile ... I will always know my way home because my home is with you; for whatever time we have in this fleeting world."
You know me so well and it's only been two years & four months, how can that be? Is it because we are starting later in our lives? We don't have our youth to learn each others ways, we were not part of each other in youth. You've learned so much from that second-hand sadness and you accept it, take it in stride, and learn to love me more. I'm glad I let down my shields, (yes my dear a slight nod to your SW love) it was scary to do so, you have no idea. You've read the raw, the anger, the confusion all right here. You learned to love me broken as I was, you helped mend me. I'll never be the same as I was, but that's not who you fell in love with, that individual is gone. We didn't have our youth to make history, we only have our experiences in this life. Such different stories we've lived and now we move forward creating a new tale. I've spoken of the hollow so many times, tonight I feel like I could burst. It's the oddest thing, there is sadness and so much joy all at once. You made me a beautiful video this Christmas & the fact you did, the fact you are ok with hearing stories, even so much as prodding the details of the memory in my mind as it comes across as a laugh or smile and yes even as a tear. You've learned when I need a bad joke, you've learned when there's nothing to be said, all with not much help from me. I've never been good at asking for help, yes I'm good at hiding it & you've stuck by my side.
I realize I've not mentioned his princess in this entry, though she is always on my mind.
Again your words
"Her well being falls partly under my care too now.. so I have been trying to do what little I can"
Merry Christmas to my handsome man, my dear friend, and at this moment to you my dear!
take care
Your words
"Breathing in second-hand sadness"
"It's not a secret they are gone. It's not a secret you're sad about it. It's not even a secret that you will always be sad about it, it's human nature, it's life. Some cultures build rituals & ceremonies around those that they were thankful for that are no longer with us. Maybe those cultures are just really strong in your blood, your DNA, your evolution of life. "
"Two years & just now I am learning we are supposed to grieve; it must clean out our soul."
"... really laugh, the infectious laughter... I have heard that laugh in her often, I guess people that hurt deeply also love deeply, it's a balance in life."
"Each time that we breath in a memory of sadness, like oxygen our bodies can't keep it all in & we breathe a little bit of it out again. Someone near us breathes it in & breathes a little of it out. Like water, like oxygen it keeps us alive & understanding each other, tying us to each other, linking."
"When life changed, our lives changed with it. Broken hearts, broken minds led us down dark paths, looking for hope, looking for light, looking for comfort."
"We chose to continue, to grow & be more together than we were alone. This is why I think we were meant to be when we were both ready to begin life again."
"Walking hand in hand and smile in smile ... I will always know my way home because my home is with you; for whatever time we have in this fleeting world."
You know me so well and it's only been two years & four months, how can that be? Is it because we are starting later in our lives? We don't have our youth to learn each others ways, we were not part of each other in youth. You've learned so much from that second-hand sadness and you accept it, take it in stride, and learn to love me more. I'm glad I let down my shields, (yes my dear a slight nod to your SW love) it was scary to do so, you have no idea. You've read the raw, the anger, the confusion all right here. You learned to love me broken as I was, you helped mend me. I'll never be the same as I was, but that's not who you fell in love with, that individual is gone. We didn't have our youth to make history, we only have our experiences in this life. Such different stories we've lived and now we move forward creating a new tale. I've spoken of the hollow so many times, tonight I feel like I could burst. It's the oddest thing, there is sadness and so much joy all at once. You made me a beautiful video this Christmas & the fact you did, the fact you are ok with hearing stories, even so much as prodding the details of the memory in my mind as it comes across as a laugh or smile and yes even as a tear. You've learned when I need a bad joke, you've learned when there's nothing to be said, all with not much help from me. I've never been good at asking for help, yes I'm good at hiding it & you've stuck by my side.
I realize I've not mentioned his princess in this entry, though she is always on my mind.
Again your words
"Her well being falls partly under my care too now.. so I have been trying to do what little I can"
Merry Christmas to my handsome man, my dear friend, and at this moment to you my dear!
take care
Friday, November 22, 2019
That place
That place. I was at that place again. Not the first time since you passed, the first time was for the Mom of my dear friend, my dear friend that is gone now. That place you died. I can't remember what floor you were on, for what ever reason I feel really guilty about not being able to remember the floor you were on, the floor you took your last audible breaths, why can't I remember what floor you were on?? I remember where everyone was sitting in the room, what we talked about, how we even laughed telling stories about you. Fishing poles and basketballs.
I was at that place today, I walked by the table near the gift shop where your princess & I did homework because we would go to the hospital right after school to be with you. It was a time when you were having therapy and needed some privacy and frankly she needed a break, we went down and sat at that table and did homework.
I was at that place today, the court yard where she ran outside to play to get fresh air and get energy out. The same court yard I sat in, making phone calls after you went away, after your last breath. The court yard I just sat and stared into space as what just happened sunk in.
It all came back, waiting for my name to be called. I couldn't say anything, I didn't want to upset my dear. He got upset when I posted pictures out of the blue, nothing significant to trigger it, no date, no event. I thought he understood that's not how it works, but I try to be sensitive to his feelings so I didn't say anything today, though he is perceptive & maybe just figured it out without saying. I don't know. I'm afraid to talk about you lately, ever since that comment about pictures I shared. I was very reluctant to mention you during a conversation, I feel bad about that, but then I feel bad about mentioning you. It's a no win situation.
It was my Mom's birthday the other day, I worked. It's not as difficult as it is on your birthday. Does that make me callous? I still miss her, it's just not a painful miss. Does that even make sense? Motherless at 35, widow at 40, did the hollow that consumed me at 40 overshadow the darkness at 35? I watched you both die, literally you both died right in front of my eyes, hearing the last audible breath you each took. At 35 I had you to hold me, sit with me in silence, be there when I couldn't keep it together. At 40 I had the shower, to be alone when I couldn't hold it together. You wrote the eulogy I delivered at my Mom's funeral, you wrote the words no one else could say. I still remember driving all over town to make arrangements and my brother asked who would speak at her funeral. My brother said he couldn't do it and neither could my Dad. Honestly I also said I couldn't do it, but when I heard both my brother and Dad couldn't I decided I could find the strength. I didn't know what to say, I left that to you and you wrote the most amazing eulogy. You were so good with words.
Four years later I would do the same for you, except I wrote it and delivered it. 14 months after I wrote your Mother's eulogy I wrote your obituary. All these words.
I was at that place today, I walked by the table near the gift shop where your princess & I did homework because we would go to the hospital right after school to be with you. It was a time when you were having therapy and needed some privacy and frankly she needed a break, we went down and sat at that table and did homework.
I was at that place today, the court yard where she ran outside to play to get fresh air and get energy out. The same court yard I sat in, making phone calls after you went away, after your last breath. The court yard I just sat and stared into space as what just happened sunk in.
It all came back, waiting for my name to be called. I couldn't say anything, I didn't want to upset my dear. He got upset when I posted pictures out of the blue, nothing significant to trigger it, no date, no event. I thought he understood that's not how it works, but I try to be sensitive to his feelings so I didn't say anything today, though he is perceptive & maybe just figured it out without saying. I don't know. I'm afraid to talk about you lately, ever since that comment about pictures I shared. I was very reluctant to mention you during a conversation, I feel bad about that, but then I feel bad about mentioning you. It's a no win situation.
It was my Mom's birthday the other day, I worked. It's not as difficult as it is on your birthday. Does that make me callous? I still miss her, it's just not a painful miss. Does that even make sense? Motherless at 35, widow at 40, did the hollow that consumed me at 40 overshadow the darkness at 35? I watched you both die, literally you both died right in front of my eyes, hearing the last audible breath you each took. At 35 I had you to hold me, sit with me in silence, be there when I couldn't keep it together. At 40 I had the shower, to be alone when I couldn't hold it together. You wrote the eulogy I delivered at my Mom's funeral, you wrote the words no one else could say. I still remember driving all over town to make arrangements and my brother asked who would speak at her funeral. My brother said he couldn't do it and neither could my Dad. Honestly I also said I couldn't do it, but when I heard both my brother and Dad couldn't I decided I could find the strength. I didn't know what to say, I left that to you and you wrote the most amazing eulogy. You were so good with words.
Four years later I would do the same for you, except I wrote it and delivered it. 14 months after I wrote your Mother's eulogy I wrote your obituary. All these words.
On the afternoon of April **, R passed away at M Hospital in C Rapids. He was surrounded by family during the last moments of his life. He was 41 years old. R was born CA, on December *. He was preceded in death by his mother, L. R is survived by his dad, M his loving wife of 13 years and his best friend in life, K; and his beautiful daughter, his princess, C, 8 years old. As a young child, R moved to IA. He spent countless summers in MO, with his Aunt S and A B. R met K in IA, in 1998 and they were married on December 1. R was a scholar who cultivated a deep passion for reading, the arts, and culture. He graduated from University with highest honors as a classicist. He attended the University of M graduate program where he loved to teach. However, his most cherished and highest honor was the job title of Daddy. During his final days, many people across the country and from around the world shared their tributes to R, letting him know how much he'd influenced them and enriched their lives.
April will come again and it will be 10 5 1 the years those closest to me have been taken
60 years old 35 of those shared with me.
41 years old 17 of those shared with me.
58 years old 7 of those shared with me.
And now there are numbers. The dates have come back to hurt me, I'm constantly working with dates of birth. I was finally letting go of those, no longer thinking in my head, when your child was born my dearest friend was dead, when you celebrate your birthday I am mourning the anniversary of his death. Those thoughts were almost gone, but now they are back with every patient encounter.
The day has turned and is now tomorrow. I must stop and try to sleep.
take care,
Wednesday, November 13, 2019
WE'LL figure it out, once again
Looking at the calendar. Would have been 18 years. Just a glance at the date. Planning for a meeting that same week to help others and a quick glance at the date. And puff it's gone. I'm grateful for my life as it is now. Yes ups and downs, the waves will always come. Just now it was quick and sharp, but it's gone. I still love you and that will always be a part of who I am, you taught me after all. I'm still learning to love anew and be loved anew.
There are changes coming to the practicality of my life, but I embrace them and look for the good and make adjustments for the short comings. Our motto that started in 2013, we'll figure it out, with having two kids out of the blue all the way to dealing with major medical schedules, school schedules and the like just to happen the very next year and a half. Used "play it by ear" quite a bit too, that has some negative memories for your princess so I try to avoid that one at all costs. We'll figure it out started as a fun phrase to get one kid to one place and the other kid to the opposite part of town. We didn't ease in to two kids like so many do, it was one of the best years, so formidable and added to our family in a way I thought never possible. Shortly after that year I became a solo parent to one kid and the phrase sentiment remained, although it was then "I'll figure it out". No more we for quite some time. From time to time it's we, between your princess and me and starting to become we again with my dear. This is life, four years and seven months without you and life two years and three months with you.
Maybe the guilt is subsiding, allowing the happiness to remain. There are still waves and with holidays approaching I'm hoping not to struggle and simply tread water to survive like the holidays of the recent past. I want to sail, swim, splash, play. The water just crossed my mind, I wonder if your princess still has that anger or guilt with water. I use the water as a metaphor for the grief that will always be there, like waves in the ocean. Growing up with the beach as a place I visited, it has so many memories for me. It's been a place of fun memories with family and friends and a place of tranquility allowing me to reflect on my own. For her the water was a place she was when you left this earth, she was in the water having fun and not with you during your last moments. I think it was better that way, it's hard for me to think of that last audible breath as we all sat waiting for the next, that never came. It's not the last memory of you I wanted our little girl of only 8 to have. I remember saying your name, "Rick", the name you used when I met you and fell in love with you, the name of your youth. I did not know you as Ricky, though the rest in the room did. They'd seen you change and grow to the man you became, proud I'm sure.
I digress as my mind races. It's nice to be back to the we'll. Plural and future tense. I like that.
take care
There are changes coming to the practicality of my life, but I embrace them and look for the good and make adjustments for the short comings. Our motto that started in 2013, we'll figure it out, with having two kids out of the blue all the way to dealing with major medical schedules, school schedules and the like just to happen the very next year and a half. Used "play it by ear" quite a bit too, that has some negative memories for your princess so I try to avoid that one at all costs. We'll figure it out started as a fun phrase to get one kid to one place and the other kid to the opposite part of town. We didn't ease in to two kids like so many do, it was one of the best years, so formidable and added to our family in a way I thought never possible. Shortly after that year I became a solo parent to one kid and the phrase sentiment remained, although it was then "I'll figure it out". No more we for quite some time. From time to time it's we, between your princess and me and starting to become we again with my dear. This is life, four years and seven months without you and life two years and three months with you.
Maybe the guilt is subsiding, allowing the happiness to remain. There are still waves and with holidays approaching I'm hoping not to struggle and simply tread water to survive like the holidays of the recent past. I want to sail, swim, splash, play. The water just crossed my mind, I wonder if your princess still has that anger or guilt with water. I use the water as a metaphor for the grief that will always be there, like waves in the ocean. Growing up with the beach as a place I visited, it has so many memories for me. It's been a place of fun memories with family and friends and a place of tranquility allowing me to reflect on my own. For her the water was a place she was when you left this earth, she was in the water having fun and not with you during your last moments. I think it was better that way, it's hard for me to think of that last audible breath as we all sat waiting for the next, that never came. It's not the last memory of you I wanted our little girl of only 8 to have. I remember saying your name, "Rick", the name you used when I met you and fell in love with you, the name of your youth. I did not know you as Ricky, though the rest in the room did. They'd seen you change and grow to the man you became, proud I'm sure.
I digress as my mind races. It's nice to be back to the we'll. Plural and future tense. I like that.
take care
Wednesday, September 25, 2019
what a difference a day makes.
I don't know why, the book? The words, she describes how it hurts when someone dies, walking down a hallway can hurt, listening to a song can hurt, looking at a picture. The descriptions, the name of her Aunt and piano teacher, hurt. Pretty overwhelmed today, not with work, with life. I was described as "good garbage" tonight, I'm sure it was not intentional, but hurt all the same. Felt like a failure, beaten. I don't know why, such good news yesterday, such excitement, today started that way too. It was after, on the way home listening to the words, bringing back the flashes, the dreaded cart of cookies for those about to loose the most important person in their life. Fucking cookies. I'm tired, never good when I'm tired, exhausted really. I don't even have the energy for this. I'm done.
Why is it back, why is the hollow returning? It will never go away. I just want to stay in my room, away from everyone, everything, lay in my bed and just close my eyes. Life does not work that way. Sometimes I feel life doesn't work out at all. Wham. Slap in the face. Gut punched. Tomorrow will come, it will be a new day.
take care
Why is it back, why is the hollow returning? It will never go away. I just want to stay in my room, away from everyone, everything, lay in my bed and just close my eyes. Life does not work that way. Sometimes I feel life doesn't work out at all. Wham. Slap in the face. Gut punched. Tomorrow will come, it will be a new day.
take care
Sunday, August 25, 2019
to cause pain through my joy
I feel really bad. I didn't know he was coming, I was surprised and so absolutely delighted he came and was there, holding my hand. I so missed that. It was years before you left this earth that holding hands in church was a thing. That is for another time.
Yet, my happiness and joy caused so much pain. A pain I felt at that exact same place watching the exact same thing. It was the first Christmas Eve without you. I saw my dear friend and her husband share a loving moment, holding hands at mass. I had to look away, I did my best to keep it together for your princess. Now, four years and four months later the friend I grew so close to is no longer here and I caused that very same deep hurt with my happiness. I'm so sorry my dear friend. I would come to you and ask your opinion or just chat with you about it, alas that is no longer possible.
Seeing others and their happiness with their partners is part of the path, the awful, ugly part. At least it's a path I understand, a path I myself still travel and will travel for the rest of my life. This path evolves, yes my dear even science is in my psyche. My path includes you now, to share this life, to live the days not alone, but as partners. All the days: good, bad, ugly. To share the joy, the pain, the mundane. When we said good bye today, I said I love you, didn't even think about it. It just came out like it was suppose to. Just natural. I admit I do think about saying it, making sure I say it enough so you know. I'm still learning how you feel loved. I hope I'm doing a good job to show you.
I'm sorry my friend.
I love you my dear.
take care,
Yet, my happiness and joy caused so much pain. A pain I felt at that exact same place watching the exact same thing. It was the first Christmas Eve without you. I saw my dear friend and her husband share a loving moment, holding hands at mass. I had to look away, I did my best to keep it together for your princess. Now, four years and four months later the friend I grew so close to is no longer here and I caused that very same deep hurt with my happiness. I'm so sorry my dear friend. I would come to you and ask your opinion or just chat with you about it, alas that is no longer possible.
Seeing others and their happiness with their partners is part of the path, the awful, ugly part. At least it's a path I understand, a path I myself still travel and will travel for the rest of my life. This path evolves, yes my dear even science is in my psyche. My path includes you now, to share this life, to live the days not alone, but as partners. All the days: good, bad, ugly. To share the joy, the pain, the mundane. When we said good bye today, I said I love you, didn't even think about it. It just came out like it was suppose to. Just natural. I admit I do think about saying it, making sure I say it enough so you know. I'm still learning how you feel loved. I hope I'm doing a good job to show you.
I'm sorry my friend.
I love you my dear.
take care,
Wednesday, July 24, 2019
thinking of you, both of you
This song brought some thoughts and questions to my mind.
I wonder what is was like at the last moments, what was it like for you? Did you see anyone on the other side? Both of you. The Dad that passed to the other side two months before, the dad you so lovingly took care of. The Mom that passed a year & three months before you. A relationship that was at one point non-existent and then on and off again for years. At least at the end it was on and in a good way for you and her. Did you see the woman who always reminded me with that smile and glint in her eye that she loved you first? Did you see my mom, was she happy? I miss my friend, my confidant, the person I turned to after you left. What were your last thoughts? that beautiful mind. I miss you so much, part of the time I don't know what I'm doing, drowning in the day to day. Work has been absolutely unbearable, you're not there to reassure I'm still good at my job, to tell me it will all be okay. You're not here to tell me it will all be ok with my dad, I don't need to hear that it will all be ok, I just need support. I am so tired, caught in the middle. Keeping her balanced and happy, being the silly parent, bringing in the paycheck to keep food in the fridge, roof over our head, clothes on her back, remembering all the details of the house, the bills, the dental appointments, the school offerings, asking the right questions of the doctors for my dad, making sure everyone feels valued and not less important than my job. I am so tired of the constant worry. Trying to keep things together, including myself. No one here to lean on anymore. To help with the mundane.
I've been listening to the music of the show we saw, remembering the trip we took. I am so lost right now.
One more song made me pause and think, this one more of you. I feel I failed at making your dream a reality. It's just too much, or maybe I'm just too lazy. I did try, only once though, for that I'm sorry.
A day off from work, but not a day off from life.
Someday I'll see you all on the other side.
The very last scene in the animation of that last song is so telling.
Do not pity the dead.
Pity the living, and, above all those who live without love.
-Albus Dumbledore
take care
Thursday, July 18, 2019
one more thing
one last thing, again. had to take your name off an account. Lots of paper work, not as difficult though, what hit me was the fact I couldn't remember your SSN. Further and further away. Your text message stream is so far down it's difficult to find these days.
It makes me think that she does not have too many solid memories. I have over 10 years and I can think a little and remember, look at a picture, read a word, hear a song and it'll all come back, sometimes with joy others with tears. She does not have that storage, no fault of her own. She was so young when you left. The memories she has have her own flare, remembered a little differently than I remember. That's ok, those are hers to cherish and cultivate.
Life would be so different if you were still here, of course it would, what a ridiculous statement. We would have different likes than we do now. I don't see us has a camping family and now it is bond she & I share, something we make memories with. I wonder what we would have made memories with you? I'll never know.
Part of me feels guilty for finding joy again in this life, joy in things I don't think you would find as enjoyable. I'm curious as to what we would find enjoyable as a family of three, yet I don't long for it anymore. I've learned to find joy with your princess alone, though she is now my best girl.
If it's such a thing, I hope you are pleased with how things are going here. I'm so torn to honor your beliefs and that you just shut off and were gone when you died. Part of me wants you to see how we're doing and maybe it'll make you smile. I'm doing my best.
love you handsome man.
take care
It makes me think that she does not have too many solid memories. I have over 10 years and I can think a little and remember, look at a picture, read a word, hear a song and it'll all come back, sometimes with joy others with tears. She does not have that storage, no fault of her own. She was so young when you left. The memories she has have her own flare, remembered a little differently than I remember. That's ok, those are hers to cherish and cultivate.
Life would be so different if you were still here, of course it would, what a ridiculous statement. We would have different likes than we do now. I don't see us has a camping family and now it is bond she & I share, something we make memories with. I wonder what we would have made memories with you? I'll never know.
Part of me feels guilty for finding joy again in this life, joy in things I don't think you would find as enjoyable. I'm curious as to what we would find enjoyable as a family of three, yet I don't long for it anymore. I've learned to find joy with your princess alone, though she is now my best girl.
If it's such a thing, I hope you are pleased with how things are going here. I'm so torn to honor your beliefs and that you just shut off and were gone when you died. Part of me wants you to see how we're doing and maybe it'll make you smile. I'm doing my best.
love you handsome man.
take care
Sunday, June 16, 2019
what started as a note . . .
The whole tire thing reminded me of a story with R. He was not into cars, didn't really fix stuff. Don't get me wrong he had his own talents, like cooking with out the fire alarm going off. :)
Any way, I was closing one night at work, it was winter and REALLY REALLY cold. I get out to the car and one of my tires was visibly low. I called R to let him know what was going on and that I would stop and get some air for the tire on the way home. I asked him how do I know when I've put enough air in the car. His advice was to attach the machine, turn on the air and count to ten. It makes me laugh to think about it now.
After he got sick I stepped down as manager and my boss put me in a store as a staff member, the store was located south of where we live and no where near my old location, where I use to manage. Anyway my first shift at the new location was a 12 hour shift. I didn't have a GPS with me, all I had were my written directions. Needless to say I couldn't see them at night, especially after 12 hours, that sounds good right? I ended up getting on the freeway going southbound, even further away from the house. oops. R was able to track where I was going based on my phone, it's an app you can use in case you loose your phone it shows you where the phone is on a map. Since we shared everything including the phone account he would check on me as to where I was. About ten minutes on my way "home" he calls me and asked if I was going to Iowa. It was so funny. He even told me he gave me 10 minutes to see if I would realize I was going the wrong way. I didn't. Good thing he called.
When I was running and training for the half marathon I would do 10 mile runs. He would track me on my phone if it was getting late because he was a worrier. So one time he sent me a text message to see if I was ok. I told him I was trying to figure out where I was and I'd be home soon. I was on the other side of town. That was one thing I liked about running, I would just go and not have a destination. Once I reached half the distance I was suppose to run to meet the training goal I would start looking at street signs and figure out where I was and get home from there. I use to do the same thing with the princess when she fit in the bike trailer. I would ride my bike and pull the little trailer behind me, we found tons and tons of parks in the area. We even had these duck quakers we would blow as we rode. You should see some of the looks, head turns, smiles, and giggles we got from people walking or sitting on benches as we rode by. Anyway, I digress, back to the running. R responded to my text of me trying to figure out where I was so I could start the run home by giving me directions to get home. Then he sends a text asking if I want a ride because I don't want to over do it. Of course ten minutes later, he found me with the car with a huge water bottle with ice water waiting for me in the car.
I have to admit I kinda miss being spoiled with little things like that. Did you know R always put gas in my car? I would call on my way home and tell him I had to get gas, he would just say, come home I'll put gas in it later, and he did. I was quite capable, I'd done it many times, I'm not the princess type, he just wanted me to come home. I've always been a strong & independent person. Even took me a little bit to get use to someone doing something for me after we got married. These last four years I've had to get use to doing everything myself again. From doing half of the house up keep inside and out to doing all of it. I figured it out and made it work. That's the new motto you know. The pendulum swings and I'm learning to adjust once again. Though I'm still not good at asking for help, like R use to say my tombstone will say, it's okay I'm fine.
My mind is just going tonight, I'm sorry I must seem so scattered.
love you handsome man, good night my dear.
take care
Sunday, June 9, 2019
all of a sudden
She's back and I'm in a hole. I don't understand, utter joy, calm, peace, now it seems to be gone. Probably didn't help that we chose images for your urn tonight. I get dragged down so easily. I try to protect and absorb the pain for her, I do my best to allow her to release and I take it in. The hollow fills with pain, yet the empty is still there. She'll never have that transition from calling you Daddy to Dad. You'll always be Daddy because you weren't allowed to be here long enough for her to grow into calling you Dad. It really hurts tonight. I'm tired. I really don't want to be alone. I will go to sleep, close my eyes.
I'm still learning, still figuring things out. How your mind works, what's ok to joke about, what's not. I need to remember that you are still learning about me too. I'm learning to love differently and to be loved differently. Does that make sense?
I'm tired and I feel alone, like there is a dry, hollow trail down my throat. I don't know where it leads, I can't get past the empty feeling.
take care
I'm still learning, still figuring things out. How your mind works, what's ok to joke about, what's not. I need to remember that you are still learning about me too. I'm learning to love differently and to be loved differently. Does that make sense?
I'm tired and I feel alone, like there is a dry, hollow trail down my throat. I don't know where it leads, I can't get past the empty feeling.
take care
Monday, May 27, 2019
Instant
Gone
All gone.
Why did you have to leave too? Things were coming together for me and for her.
Why
Why
I just don't understand. The opinion I always sought out, the one I trusted, the one I aspired to. There are times I just can't believe it is real, still in shock I suppose. It's a different kind of hollow.
I don't make friends easy. We connected on such a level, we had such similar ideas from politics, religion, to how to keep our daughters safe, how to raise them. I miss you. You were the constant. During the darkest times of my life you were the encouragement, the smile, the help I needed but could never ask for.
Life is not fair.
I'm scared. In an instant, gone. What if ... I'm scared. So much loss, I'm scared. All this loss, I'm afraid to get close again, I overcame that fear, at that time it wasn't a fear of losing the closeness, it was a fear of being close again. A fear of having someone be important to me again, a fear of living life and having happiness. I overcame that fear, I chose to live a life, not to merely exist, I chose to share life, share in happiness. A new fear has taken over. A fear of getting close to someone, I'm afraid it can go away in an instant. I don't make friends easy, I know I've said that already. Now I'm afraid to make friends because in an instant gone. I don't want any more hollow.
Sitting here as I contemplate, as I reflect, I realize I have been wanting to spend more time with you, part of me does not understand and just now I believe I figured out it's because I'm scared of losing you in an instant. When you traveled a distance to be with family at an event I was worried. When I didn't hear from you, when there was no response my mind gave into the fear and thought of car accidents, you being gone scared me. Over the last five weeks I've been quite needy and wanting to be with you all the time, the fear constricting my throat. I don't feel strong anymore, is that bad? it's like when I was merely existing I was strong and didn't lean on anyone, well I didn't ask for help. Now that I have you I feel like I lean on you too much, I'm afraid I'll drive you away. I'm sure this is not what you signed up for. Too polite to say. I don't know if I'm worth it. I feel selfish at times, especially these last five weeks.
I am so tired.
I love you handsome man.
I'm sorry my dear.
The hollow is too difficult for words.
take care,
All gone.
Why did you have to leave too? Things were coming together for me and for her.
Why
Why
I just don't understand. The opinion I always sought out, the one I trusted, the one I aspired to. There are times I just can't believe it is real, still in shock I suppose. It's a different kind of hollow.
I don't make friends easy. We connected on such a level, we had such similar ideas from politics, religion, to how to keep our daughters safe, how to raise them. I miss you. You were the constant. During the darkest times of my life you were the encouragement, the smile, the help I needed but could never ask for.
Life is not fair.
I'm scared. In an instant, gone. What if ... I'm scared. So much loss, I'm scared. All this loss, I'm afraid to get close again, I overcame that fear, at that time it wasn't a fear of losing the closeness, it was a fear of being close again. A fear of having someone be important to me again, a fear of living life and having happiness. I overcame that fear, I chose to live a life, not to merely exist, I chose to share life, share in happiness. A new fear has taken over. A fear of getting close to someone, I'm afraid it can go away in an instant. I don't make friends easy, I know I've said that already. Now I'm afraid to make friends because in an instant gone. I don't want any more hollow.
Sitting here as I contemplate, as I reflect, I realize I have been wanting to spend more time with you, part of me does not understand and just now I believe I figured out it's because I'm scared of losing you in an instant. When you traveled a distance to be with family at an event I was worried. When I didn't hear from you, when there was no response my mind gave into the fear and thought of car accidents, you being gone scared me. Over the last five weeks I've been quite needy and wanting to be with you all the time, the fear constricting my throat. I don't feel strong anymore, is that bad? it's like when I was merely existing I was strong and didn't lean on anyone, well I didn't ask for help. Now that I have you I feel like I lean on you too much, I'm afraid I'll drive you away. I'm sure this is not what you signed up for. Too polite to say. I don't know if I'm worth it. I feel selfish at times, especially these last five weeks.
I am so tired.
I love you handsome man.
I'm sorry my dear.
The hollow is too difficult for words.
take care,
Tuesday, May 21, 2019
profound
Philippinas 1:3
I give thanks to my God at every remembrance of you,
I think I'm finally coming back, it's ok if I do. I have you to thank for that my dear.
I found something today, your words, most personal thoughts, your hopes, your words written in your hand, touchingly honest because as you lived it was not writing you shared with the world to see or something you shared with me. I found an old journal you kept spanning a few years. The dates haunt me.
September 9, 2009 you quoted me I've never thought of myself as quote worthy.
"Kate also said something the other day that I found true, touching, and profound:
'I read not just to enjoy, but to engage with the world'
Oh what a woman!"
I even got an exclamation. These pages I've read today reminded me how much you loved me and our daughter. I know it was your private journal, but I do not feel one bit guilty for reading it. Sometimes I'm afraid I will forget, I should say I'm still afraid I'll forget. It was nice to read your thoughts and remember. I had completely forgotten we chose books for each other to read. I still remember suggesting Dawkins, oh boy did I open a can of worms or what.
One more excerpt from an entry I will share
26 April 2010
When we die, I think we truly wish our loved ones to not grieve too much, nor for too long, but to cherish what is best in their memories.
Five years later you died, and fours years after that I have just found these words, your words. Profound indeed.
I miss you handsome man even still.
take care
I give thanks to my God at every remembrance of you,
I think I'm finally coming back, it's ok if I do. I have you to thank for that my dear.
I found something today, your words, most personal thoughts, your hopes, your words written in your hand, touchingly honest because as you lived it was not writing you shared with the world to see or something you shared with me. I found an old journal you kept spanning a few years. The dates haunt me.
September 9, 2009 you quoted me I've never thought of myself as quote worthy.
"Kate also said something the other day that I found true, touching, and profound:
'I read not just to enjoy, but to engage with the world'
Oh what a woman!"
I even got an exclamation. These pages I've read today reminded me how much you loved me and our daughter. I know it was your private journal, but I do not feel one bit guilty for reading it. Sometimes I'm afraid I will forget, I should say I'm still afraid I'll forget. It was nice to read your thoughts and remember. I had completely forgotten we chose books for each other to read. I still remember suggesting Dawkins, oh boy did I open a can of worms or what.
One more excerpt from an entry I will share
26 April 2010
When we die, I think we truly wish our loved ones to not grieve too much, nor for too long, but to cherish what is best in their memories.
Five years later you died, and fours years after that I have just found these words, your words. Profound indeed.
I miss you handsome man even still.
take care
Wednesday, April 3, 2019
4
The piano, the deck, in all fairness these we spoke about and wanted to replace. The piano especially, you so wanted to surprise me as I found out later, we just couldn't swing it, and that being such a large expense hard to do on your own.
Windows
Blue 42
WiFi
coffee maker
Athena & Apollo
Kalypso
area rug
Little by little our home changes and the things that were here when you were here are not. New things have come and you'll never see or experience them. Things to not get input or your opinion.
Four years, I can't believe it's been nearly four years. It seems too far away, a lifetime; it still hurts like yesterday. Really it was bad today. There are good days, more and more the good days are out numbering the bad. I'm not sure how I feel about that, it's almost like a guilt feeling. How dare I find happiness and love when there is still a hole in my heart and soul that will never go away. The hole is not consuming as it was, it's not swallowing me alive anymore.
There was a memory that sparked last night. It made my legs collapse and not hold me up, I crumpled to the floor. I just finished a shower and I remembered the decisions, the look on Dr. L's face when he came back from vacation and learned you were on hospice. I didn't have the results, I didn't have the results, why the fuck didn't I have the results. I should have waited, I should have fucking waited. Then there was Dr. N who spoiled our Thanksgiving, our last Thanksgiving. We had to celebrate on Wednesday because of my work, that's when she decided it was time to discuss and think about what if things didn't go the way we wanted. DNR
I wanted to to keep going with the full dose, not to back off. It was working, it was fucking working. The body can only take so much she said. He was young. But no, she advised to back down and go to a maintenance plan. I wanted to keep going and keep hitting the cancer hard keep it shrinking. No, that was the last of everything. Last Thanksgiving, our last anniversary, last Christmas, your last birthday, her last birthday, last Spring together as a family. No mother's day. No father's day. Not there for our picture in the directory. I improvised and it was beautiful.
K: "Will this be his last Christmas?"
M: "I hope not."
Diagnosis on Mother's Day one year and gone before the next Mother's Day.
You spoiled me so. I'm forgetting the little things. The "come home safe" every time I left the house. The magnificent meals you created. You made me feel so beautiful, I started to believe you when you said I was the most beautiful woman in the room; you said it so often. "I hate to see you leave, but I love to watch you go." The way we danced in such harmony, in sync with each other on every level.
Am I doing things right?
She is so different now, growing up. She so reminds me of you. Sense of direction, quick wit, humor. Her love of reading and writing.
Four years, how can it be four fucking years?! The amount of time it takes to start and graduate from high school. That was a goal you had, to see her graduate from high school. You said you'd be happy if you could at least have that, you pleaded. Then when we went to your last chemo, your last treatment that fucking spring, you asked me "Am I going to come home?" and what did I say "I hope so." What a terrible thing to say. Oh yeah, now I'm remembering that visit. It wasn't for chemo, it was for a checkup, you were in so much pain. They kept upping and upping your pain meds. There was a fill in doctor because Dr. N was gone on vacation and Dr. L hadn't seen you yet. This other doctor said it was up to you, go home on more pain meds or be admitted to get pain under control. You wanted to come home, you were in so much pain. I talked you into going to the hospital to get the pain under control. Using IV medication would help the pain better, get it under control then go home on oral medication. You wanted to come home. I talked you out of it, you never came home again until I held you in my arms in a fucking plastic box. That's how you came home. AS drove us home before we went to the luncheon. I couldn't leave you there. That was an option to come back later and pick up the ashes. I couldn't do that, I couldn't leave YOU there. I had to bring you home. I couldn't drive though, that's why AS drove and took us home.
Why am I doing this? I am so tired. I feeling like giving up. My heart is pounding, my nose is stuffed, my head hurts, my soul aches.
take care
Windows
Blue 42
WiFi
coffee maker
Athena & Apollo
Kalypso
area rug
Little by little our home changes and the things that were here when you were here are not. New things have come and you'll never see or experience them. Things to not get input or your opinion.
Four years, I can't believe it's been nearly four years. It seems too far away, a lifetime; it still hurts like yesterday. Really it was bad today. There are good days, more and more the good days are out numbering the bad. I'm not sure how I feel about that, it's almost like a guilt feeling. How dare I find happiness and love when there is still a hole in my heart and soul that will never go away. The hole is not consuming as it was, it's not swallowing me alive anymore.
There was a memory that sparked last night. It made my legs collapse and not hold me up, I crumpled to the floor. I just finished a shower and I remembered the decisions, the look on Dr. L's face when he came back from vacation and learned you were on hospice. I didn't have the results, I didn't have the results, why the fuck didn't I have the results. I should have waited, I should have fucking waited. Then there was Dr. N who spoiled our Thanksgiving, our last Thanksgiving. We had to celebrate on Wednesday because of my work, that's when she decided it was time to discuss and think about what if things didn't go the way we wanted. DNR
I wanted to to keep going with the full dose, not to back off. It was working, it was fucking working. The body can only take so much she said. He was young. But no, she advised to back down and go to a maintenance plan. I wanted to keep going and keep hitting the cancer hard keep it shrinking. No, that was the last of everything. Last Thanksgiving, our last anniversary, last Christmas, your last birthday, her last birthday, last Spring together as a family. No mother's day. No father's day. Not there for our picture in the directory. I improvised and it was beautiful.
K: "Will this be his last Christmas?"
M: "I hope not."
Diagnosis on Mother's Day one year and gone before the next Mother's Day.
You spoiled me so. I'm forgetting the little things. The "come home safe" every time I left the house. The magnificent meals you created. You made me feel so beautiful, I started to believe you when you said I was the most beautiful woman in the room; you said it so often. "I hate to see you leave, but I love to watch you go." The way we danced in such harmony, in sync with each other on every level.
Am I doing things right?
She is so different now, growing up. She so reminds me of you. Sense of direction, quick wit, humor. Her love of reading and writing.
Four years, how can it be four fucking years?! The amount of time it takes to start and graduate from high school. That was a goal you had, to see her graduate from high school. You said you'd be happy if you could at least have that, you pleaded. Then when we went to your last chemo, your last treatment that fucking spring, you asked me "Am I going to come home?" and what did I say "I hope so." What a terrible thing to say. Oh yeah, now I'm remembering that visit. It wasn't for chemo, it was for a checkup, you were in so much pain. They kept upping and upping your pain meds. There was a fill in doctor because Dr. N was gone on vacation and Dr. L hadn't seen you yet. This other doctor said it was up to you, go home on more pain meds or be admitted to get pain under control. You wanted to come home, you were in so much pain. I talked you into going to the hospital to get the pain under control. Using IV medication would help the pain better, get it under control then go home on oral medication. You wanted to come home. I talked you out of it, you never came home again until I held you in my arms in a fucking plastic box. That's how you came home. AS drove us home before we went to the luncheon. I couldn't leave you there. That was an option to come back later and pick up the ashes. I couldn't do that, I couldn't leave YOU there. I had to bring you home. I couldn't drive though, that's why AS drove and took us home.
Why am I doing this? I am so tired. I feeling like giving up. My heart is pounding, my nose is stuffed, my head hurts, my soul aches.
take care
Sunday, March 17, 2019
nothing
I'm flailing, suffocating, drowning. I'm merely existing. No thoughts, just hollow. I will sleep, maybe at least close my eyes.
Empty
Hollow
Alone
non-fulfilling
I need to re-charge, I don't know how, when.
No motivation
Eyes are heavy.
Heart is heavy.
Why has this returned?
No energy.
Sleep.
take care
Empty
Hollow
Alone
non-fulfilling
I need to re-charge, I don't know how, when.
No motivation
Eyes are heavy.
Heart is heavy.
Why has this returned?
No energy.
Sleep.
take care
Tuesday, February 26, 2019
almost
The hollow is growing and I'm being consumed. It's been such a long time since it's been this bad. I'm drowning, I can't breath, I don't have the energy to come up for air.
I was almost there, a smile before a tear.
take care
I was almost there, a smile before a tear.
take care
It's returned
The hollow has slowly crept it's way back. It's been a tough day my dear. Started with the death of my potato soup friend. My heart aches, my heart remembers, I feel the hollow resurfacing.
It was not easy with your princess tonight. In the end it was ok, apologies, tears, and hugs. Though the outcome was good in the end it truly drained me, I have no energy.
I'm being swallowed.
I love you my dear, I'm glad to hear your voice.
take care.
It was not easy with your princess tonight. In the end it was ok, apologies, tears, and hugs. Though the outcome was good in the end it truly drained me, I have no energy.
I'm being swallowed.
I love you my dear, I'm glad to hear your voice.
take care.
Tuesday, February 12, 2019
Potato Soup
Potato soup, the wish of a man who's days are limited on this planet. Tonight he asked for potato soup, it was not possible. Brings back so many memories. Looking for that doughnut shop you craved your last days on this earth, I should say last days you were vibrant enough to crave, to communicate. You didn't know the name of the place, just a vague location, on the way to school, near Little Canada. By golly I found it!! I searched the internet and used google earth and found it. I would have gone to the end of the earth to fulfill any desire you had while you lay in that hospital bed those last weeks of your life.
Even the smallest part I play in this journey for my potato soup friend brings back so many memories. Completely different story, every story is unique really. Remembering how hard it was to watch you suffer and there was absolutely nothing I could do to help, to ease the pain. Another request you made was for me to read to you. I read short stories as we waited for your day long procedure to determine the extent of disease. Then when it got so bad I read Catullus and other ancient poets with the help of Super K 2000 miles away, for that I will be eternally grateful.
I sent nightly good night videos and good morning videos of your princess wishing you a good day. It was so painful that I couldn't be with you all the time, I couldn't sleep in the same room. The one night I did spend in the chair next to your bed was just too difficult for your princess. I had to choose her well being over my own. This is hard to watch all over again, not the same intensity, but the memories do flood back along with the tears.
I miss you handsome man. I really need my dear and can't wait until tomorrow.
take care
Even the smallest part I play in this journey for my potato soup friend brings back so many memories. Completely different story, every story is unique really. Remembering how hard it was to watch you suffer and there was absolutely nothing I could do to help, to ease the pain. Another request you made was for me to read to you. I read short stories as we waited for your day long procedure to determine the extent of disease. Then when it got so bad I read Catullus and other ancient poets with the help of Super K 2000 miles away, for that I will be eternally grateful.
I sent nightly good night videos and good morning videos of your princess wishing you a good day. It was so painful that I couldn't be with you all the time, I couldn't sleep in the same room. The one night I did spend in the chair next to your bed was just too difficult for your princess. I had to choose her well being over my own. This is hard to watch all over again, not the same intensity, but the memories do flood back along with the tears.
I miss you handsome man. I really need my dear and can't wait until tomorrow.
take care
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