time

41 or 45
For a moment I couldn't remember how old you would have been on your birthday coming up.  You are not 45 and you will never be 46.  You are no more.  4 years 8 months.  Four years, the amount of time a student starts and graduates from high school.  Taking steps on a path toward the next phase.  Four years, at the most that's the amount of time she has with memories of you.  Soon the amount of time you've been gone will exceed the years of memories she has.  That knowledge, that calculation makes it difficult to breath.  I fear the numbers will be even more cruel when the years with out you will be greater than the years she had you.  I can't bear to do the math a figure out what year that will be.  That day will come.  Dates still haunt me.  Dates of birth, dates of death.  I should close my eyes and go to bed.
5 five
five
five
I'm choking on the empty tonight. 

take care,