She's back and I'm in a hole. I don't understand, utter joy, calm, peace, now it seems to be gone. Probably didn't help that we chose images for your urn tonight. I get dragged down so easily. I try to protect and absorb the pain for her, I do my best to allow her to release and I take it in. The hollow fills with pain, yet the empty is still there. She'll never have that transition from calling you Daddy to Dad. You'll always be Daddy because you weren't allowed to be here long enough for her to grow into calling you Dad. It really hurts tonight. I'm tired. I really don't want to be alone. I will go to sleep, close my eyes.
I'm still learning, still figuring things out. How your mind works, what's ok to joke about, what's not. I need to remember that you are still learning about me too. I'm learning to love differently and to be loved differently. Does that make sense?
I'm tired and I feel alone, like there is a dry, hollow trail down my throat. I don't know where it leads, I can't get past the empty feeling.
take care
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