thinking of you, both of you

This song brought some thoughts and questions to my mind.
I wonder what is was like at the last moments, what was it like for you?   Did you see anyone on the other side? Both of you.  The Dad that passed to the other side two months before, the dad you so lovingly took care of.  The Mom that passed a year & three months before you.  A relationship that was at one point non-existent and then on and off again for years.  At least at the end it was on and in a good way for you and her.  Did you see the woman who always reminded me with that smile and glint in her eye that she loved you first? Did you see my mom, was she happy?  I miss my friend, my confidant, the person I turned to after you left.  What were your last thoughts? that beautiful mind.  I miss you so much, part of the time I don't know what I'm doing, drowning in the day to day.  Work has been absolutely unbearable, you're not there to reassure I'm still good at my job, to tell me it will all be okay.  You're not here to tell me it will all be ok with my dad, I don't need to hear that it will all be ok, I just need support.  I am so tired, caught in the middle. Keeping her balanced and happy, being the silly parent, bringing in the paycheck to keep food in the fridge, roof over our head, clothes on her back, remembering all the details of the house, the bills, the dental appointments, the school offerings, asking the right questions of the doctors for my dad, making sure everyone feels valued and not less important than my job.  I am so tired of the constant worry.  Trying to keep things together, including myself.  No one here to lean on anymore.  To help with the mundane. 
I've been listening to the music of the show we saw, remembering the trip we took.  I am so lost right now. 
One more song made me pause and think, this one more of you.  I feel I failed at making your dream a reality.  It's just too much, or maybe I'm just too lazy.  I did try, only once though, for that I'm sorry. 


A day off from work, but not a day off from life.
Someday I'll see you all on the other side.
The very last scene in the animation of that last song is so telling.

Do not pity the dead. 

Pity the living, and, above all those who live without love. 

-Albus Dumbledore

               



take care