Looking at the calendar. Would have been 18 years. Just a glance at the date. Planning for a meeting that same week to help others and a quick glance at the date. And puff it's gone. I'm grateful for my life as it is now. Yes ups and downs, the waves will always come. Just now it was quick and sharp, but it's gone. I still love you and that will always be a part of who I am, you taught me after all. I'm still learning to love anew and be loved anew.
There are changes coming to the practicality of my life, but I embrace them and look for the good and make adjustments for the short comings. Our motto that started in 2013, we'll figure it out, with having two kids out of the blue all the way to dealing with major medical schedules, school schedules and the like just to happen the very next year and a half. Used "play it by ear" quite a bit too, that has some negative memories for your princess so I try to avoid that one at all costs. We'll figure it out started as a fun phrase to get one kid to one place and the other kid to the opposite part of town. We didn't ease in to two kids like so many do, it was one of the best years, so formidable and added to our family in a way I thought never possible. Shortly after that year I became a solo parent to one kid and the phrase sentiment remained, although it was then "I'll figure it out". No more we for quite some time. From time to time it's we, between your princess and me and starting to become we again with my dear. This is life, four years and seven months without you and life two years and three months with you.
Maybe the guilt is subsiding, allowing the happiness to remain. There are still waves and with holidays approaching I'm hoping not to struggle and simply tread water to survive like the holidays of the recent past. I want to sail, swim, splash, play. The water just crossed my mind, I wonder if your princess still has that anger or guilt with water. I use the water as a metaphor for the grief that will always be there, like waves in the ocean. Growing up with the beach as a place I visited, it has so many memories for me. It's been a place of fun memories with family and friends and a place of tranquility allowing me to reflect on my own. For her the water was a place she was when you left this earth, she was in the water having fun and not with you during your last moments. I think it was better that way, it's hard for me to think of that last audible breath as we all sat waiting for the next, that never came. It's not the last memory of you I wanted our little girl of only 8 to have. I remember saying your name, "Rick", the name you used when I met you and fell in love with you, the name of your youth. I did not know you as Ricky, though the rest in the room did. They'd seen you change and grow to the man you became, proud I'm sure.
I digress as my mind races. It's nice to be back to the we'll. Plural and future tense. I like that.
take care
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