Another day off, a day with my thoughts. Time is so precious, finite. I came across this video, some of the ideas I do not necessarily agree with, some I do. I have not heard of the 'prosperity gospel' and from what little I understand about it, it's not my cup of tea.
"Everything happens for a reason"
"Good things happen to good people"
"God has a plan"
Did you feel loved that day with your audible breathes as all of us sat around you talking and sharing stories about you? I can still remember where we were all sitting. Did you miss your princess not being there? Did I make the wrong choice when I got the call from M, the choice to have her continue with her Saturday routine? When M said the blue color was starting to fade in. I just realized that now, maybe I should have had her come with me that morning and sit with you and sit with all of us, hearing all those stories of your youth from those that loved you your entire life. Did I make a mistake in that choice? I had to make so many choices. I didn't even realize until this very moment that having her there that morning has you took your last breaths was an option, a choice I made with information from M. Granted I didn't know how long it would be once the color began, nobody could know that. She struggled for so long that when you left this earth she was swimming and having fun, she thinks she was diving for rings at the moment you died. She felt guilty for years with that image. Did I create that guilt? There is nothing I can do about it now, what is done is done. I am so sorry I chose to not have your princess there.
I have struggled with my faith in God since my Mom passed away. It was not because of her death, at least I don't think that's what sparked my struggle. I guess I believe in the power of doing good. I know all the stories, studied Old Testament and New Testament at my Catholic high school I even taught Old Testament and New Testament to middle schoolers for a few years at my church's faith formation program, back in my day we called it CCD. I'm not 'religious' so to speak. There are times I do not go to mass, I've definitely missed several 'holy days of obligation" in my adult life. Hodo's is the term you coined. To me the church is a place for me to springboard into action; I should clarify that I am so grateful to be a member of my parish. There is a history here of social justice action. I have not ever been one to say "I'll send my thought and prayers". For one thing I don't know if that is something the other person would find comforting in their time of struggle.
I have also put action into my faith, really they are integrated for me. I will say amidst this pandemic I truly miss going to mass. I go to hear the message then think about the message if I agree or disagree. I go to stand up, sit down, kneel, and sing with my community that know the stories too and look to hear a new message in those familiar stories. Mass reminds me of my purpose for humanity, beyond being a mother, beyond helping patients at work. Mass brings it all together for me, a place to recharge, allowing me to put action into motherhood, action into providing compassionate care at work, action into my social justice passion. It's a time for renewal for me. Watching mass on a screen does not renew me. Do I dare try to schedule a retreat again? The first time I unknowingly scheduled a retreat geared for alcoholics and addicts, once I realized what it was I spoke to the director and left. I am glad that retreat is available for those in that need; it was just not for me as I struggled with your loss. At that time I was less than a year out from your passing and just swallowed in darkness, that was not the source of light I sought. Last year I found a 'silent' retreat, it sounded so renewing a whole weekend to listen to messages and let my mind search for what they mean and what I could do in this world. Alas, the world had other plans as the pandemic set in. I've worn my Kairos from time to time, having it around my neck can be helpful, sitting here putting my thoughts to written words is also helpful, though I'm sure it sounds like one ramble after another.
I've been asked to participate in a 'virtual rosary' for my parish. They are looking for me to share my personal reflections as they relate to the sorrowful mysteries. I am honored I was sought out for this, honestly I'll have to review my rosary and all the mysteries. It's been many many years, maybe even over a decade since I've prayed the rosary. It does bring back fond memories of my Gram, she spoke of Mary and praying to Mary all the time. I still remember praying the rosary at her funeral, they may have been the last time, nearly 19 years ago.
I've heard you say live your best life. I've heard you question the death of a beloved uncle, even though he was guided by his Christianity. So many questions of philosophy, so many discussions to have, so many 'Sunday' messages to parse and share what they mean to us. I want to have all those discussions, share all those ideas, take action to make this place a better world, I want to do all that with you. A little action today to help feed some families in another part of this world is a good start and I can't wait for more to share with you.
take care
No comments:
Post a Comment