Seriously?

 I take life too seriously, too seriously for my own good.  That's why you were so good for me and why you are so good for me.  A huge part of why we were such a good team for your princess.  I've done my best these last 2,133 days, some successes and some failures along the way.  I think the first few years was just going through motions, survival really.  

I've been overthinking quite a bit lately.  My mind is not kind to me when I'm left on my own for so long.  Just a few hours and things were so much better.  I let the sunshine in, actually you let the sunshine in.  I still remember AS saying that I'm angry all the time.  I know that was then and that sentiment is no longer there for AS.  Part of those days, the days in the hospital was the mamma bear coming out to protect what I could.  

It only took a few hours and I feel so much better.  How can one person have such an effect?  I don't know how you do it.   

Denial

Anger

Bargaining 

Depression 

Acceptance

They happen all over the place, all over time, sometimes multiples at once.  They happen even still.  Sometimes I get stuck, I've been stuck lately with anger.  Everything bothered me, no matter what it was.  I don't know why.  When I get stuck and have a hard time moving forward it's usually depression.  I think about all the things you've missed and things you'll never see.  Moments we'll never share, every happy moment with your princess will always always have the bit of sadness that will never go away.  I guess I've been angry before, but not with people, not that I recall anway.  Usually angry with cancer commercials.  That sounds so absolutely horrible as a person I realize that.  Alas that is where my anger gets directed.  These several days or maybe a week I don't even know; I've just felt consumed by anger.  I'm so sorry you were the brunt of that, you didn't deserve it.  I don't know what triggered it or why.  Maybe it was all the stress of the distance learning issues, trying to figure things out on my own, you were there and offered words of practicality, for that I am grateful.  I think it was just another physical reminder I'm doing this solo, that I don't have a partner, it all falls on me.  Support and encouragement are appreciated, but at the end of the day I make the decision, I make the time, I write the check.  There is no longer the sharing of responsibility.  

I've been doing the solo things for the last 2,133 days, maybe I'm afraid to share responsibility again, maybe I'm angry and feel guilty about the potential, maybe I can't even imagine it, maybe I'm just overthinking. 

take care