Sunday, March 5, 2017

beginning of the end

It's a new month, a new season is coming.  Spring, new life, the return of growth.  I'm stuck.  I was doing great and having some wonderful days, happy times, laughing, confident.  I'm tired and I've fallen and I don't want to get up, I don't want to keep going forward.  I just want to stay in here.

Our daughter & I were talking about planning for the summer, and she said, "now that we're a family of 2" my heart just fell like a rock, thud.  She is so much older now, so mature, critically thinking, she is so quick witted like you.

I still remember that March day when we were outside, you in the gurney being transported from the ambulance back into the hospital after your therapy.  You just wanted to feel the sun on your face and see the outside.  It's the beginning of the end.  That's what's bothering me.  Spring, new life, bull shit, it's the beginning of the end, the end of my purpose.  I convinced you to be admitted, I convinced you to stop treatment, I convinced you to give up.

It's not fair god damn it!!  I just got through the holidays, the horrid lonely worst time and now the spring brings back the most painful memories.  I have no purpose.

It doesn't matter if I'm here or not, yet tomorrow comes.

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