any more

Hello Handsome

I really should be asleep, I'm tired of being alone.  I'm sitting here with so much on my mind, yet I don't know what to say.  I don't want to run out of things to share with you, this is all I have left of you, a mere screen where I just reflect my thoughts and memories, a place to share the actions of the day.  I have nothing right now, just this empty void.

I actually had the energy to cook tonight, it was damn good too.  I'd say even your palate would have enjoyed tonight's meal, really enjoyed it not just saying it's good or giving me the honest husband response of not bad, but truly would have been proud.  I'm still trying to make you proud, I never had to try when you were alive it just happened.  Now I feel like I try and try and just fail.  I don't know.  I do know you don't want me to be like this, but I just can't help it.  You would want me to move forward, but I'm stuck.  Just when I think I can go and take a few steps forward, actually I have moved forward over the past 22 months, it's mostly happened over the last six weeks or so.  I just feel like I'm hitting a wall, I don't want to leave you, yet it's absolute agony to stay where I am.  I don't want to be alone any more.  

I love you handsome man

take care,