May 8, 2014 I made a change in my life. I realized what was happening to me on a personal level. I was working in a rough neighborhood. My job was effecting my out look on life and society. I was jaded and thought the worst of people. I thought about why I do what I do and what about my job I liked and where I felt I made the most difference. Upon reflection I remembered my blog post from 2012 about OL. May 8th I had a meeting with my staff and reminded them that we are here to help others even those that are rude to us. Everyone deserves healthcare and access to healthcare. In our line of work people do not visit us for fun, there is a health issue and we're there to help them get better.
May 9th of 2014 my life changed forever. You were diagnosed with cancer, it festered in my mind and ravaged my soul. We did not have any details, just cancer. May 11th, Mother's Day 2014 we got a call and learned it was stage IV lung cancer. My whole world as I knew it was destroyed. My reflection of my life and choice to change my actions and live my life with my empathetic actions went out the window. All I could do was survive at work, thinking about you and our family situation. I stepped down from my leadership role and moved on to a position where I was not responsible for all the happenings on our side of the counter.
You left my life 22 months ago and I've been struggling. Last month I wore my Kairos from my senior year retreat to help me in my struggle. For a while I was wearing it along with your ring around my neck. It's silly, but it makes me think you're watching or it reminds me of how I want our daughter to act and lead her own life. I treat others with more kindness because I can. In May of 2014 I don't think I had the capabilities to act with empathy because I was stuck in my own world. At first it was constant worry and concern for you and our daughter. After you left this world I couldn't face the world, it was too difficult. I focused on our daughter and did everything I possibly could to help her through this devastating time.
Yesterday, February 12, 2017 I was working at the location where I had this epiphany so many years ago. As a matter of fact I helped OL and showed her a little kindness. It reminded me of the change I was embarking on way back in 2014, a change I was trying to lead others to make as well. I'm finally at a point where empathy is something I can do now. I may not be a leader of one team, but I can lead by example in my professional life and I can make a difference to those I come in contact with personally.
I still miss you every day.
take care
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