Ok, so my days off from work are difficult, that's when I have too much time to let things seep inside. Funny because I'm too damn tired to do anything on my days off so my mind allows the grief to take over. Feelings and emotions are so overrated so is thinking.
What doesn't kill me will make me stronger.
take care.
I'm drowning, maybe just treading water. I can't seem to find joy, laughter. I'm forgetting what it feels like to be loved, to be liked, to have my opinion sought after, respected, to have a conversation, a discussion. I'm going through the motions of day to day activity, the hollow is swallowing me. Do I need to be here? I'm only here because of her, I don't feel like I have purpose. She doesn't realize but I do need to be here for her. There are times I fell like I'm failing her, everything so serious. I feel like you're not even here in this space anymore. It's like I've lost you, lost the place I could reach out to you. This page is just my head now, my empty soul, the hollow, the void, the darkness. When you first left I searched for something from you, looked for some sort of sign, a symbol I could hang on to. Nothing. Your belief in science, your theory of just turning off made me think that search was foolish, not that you thought me foolish. Just the opposite, you respected my opinions and beliefs and so in return I felt my search for something of you after you turned off was disrespectful. If only you had given me something to hold on to like you did with her. Yeah I know I'm strong, but I'm not strong here I'm falling apart.
The swing is gone, they just took it away. It's just one more material object that is gone, one more thing we shared that no longer exist in my realm. In 1,999 days so much has changed and you feel further and further away.
I miss you handsome man and I miss me.
take care
It's been 1,989 days. That's how many times the sun has risen and set.
The second chapter has ended, his words. It's painful and though it seems the chapter ended more than once in the past six months, I think this time it's closed. He closed the book and pulled the bookmark. Funny how a book analogy comes to my mind, that was not something we shared, though during one of those rewrites we tried to connect over a novel. Decisions no more, it is done. I did all this six months ago and now I am here repeating all that pain again. Alone.
My dear friend from years ago, a friend we've kept in touch over the years is ignoring me and I don't know why. Was there something I wasn't seeing, something he wasn't telling me? I thought the friendship was solid, but I've been gut punched. To say it's been a tough few days is an understatement.
Overwhelmed. Tired. Hollow. Isolated.
The sun has set on this day and it will rise tomorrow.
take care
so much on my mind, I've returned for part two I suppose. There is this weight on my chest, I'm teetering on a decision. We talked about being a parent tonight, it's seems it's all I know anymore. I am by no means complaining, it is the best part of my life being her mom. I just miss being a wife, a partner, a trusted friend, like ultimate trust. I still remember an issue at work from years ago and there was a miscount and lots of uncertainty. Your words stuck with me and I still hear you say them. You said if they found the object in our house and I said I did not put it there, you would believe me. I remember there were days I would call because things were so challenging at work I just needed to hear your voice, to hear you say you loved me. Now, work is challenging yes, but now there are worse events in life than a tough day at work. Getting a phone call from the school counselor because your princess was struggling, having her own challenges dealing with you being gone. I had to be that voice on the other end of the phone, the calming, loving voice.
I'm not a single parent, that adjective describes your marital status, the choice of degree of involvement. There is a choice for single parents an entire spectrum from sperm/egg donor to helicopter. I am a solo parent, on my own, being the fun one and the heavy, the one that breaks the rules and the strict one.
I don't know why today has been so difficult, maybe it was the club meeting. Maybe it was the reminder of all the memories coming. I may have been the one to choose this path, but it still makes memories painful for me. Maybe it's the isolation of the society we are living in these days.
Maybe it seems I'm feeling sorry for myself. All I know is that I'm stuck. I'm unsure where to go from here. Status quo I suppose. No decision making right now, not tonight. I'm tired, not sure where this is going. I'm just rambling. Why would you love me, even still? I think I'm back to being scared again, this time it's not a fear of moving forward, the guilt that came with that. This is a fear of making a mistake, the fear of being alone. That was your fear at 25, not sure why is it my fear now. It's not really a fear, I can do this on my own, live my life solo, not being a partner, not having a partner. It's not a fear, but more a sense of dread that comes and goes. Why do you love me? I feel undeserving.
take care,
So many thought swirl in my mind. A decision made, I feel like I can't go back. I have to stick to my guns, where ever that phrase came from. Am I just being stubborn, am I being too harsh? I don't think harsh is the right word. Too much drama, I don't like drama. I am so conflicted, questioning, if I make a choice do I loose my self respect. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. Could the word hurt be substituted for fool in that phrase? What about the "math lesson" Jesus tried to teach, forgive 7 times 70 or some thing along those lines. In my defense, it's not the forgive part, it's the other half of yet another phrase, cliché... Forgive & Forget. I've forgiven, I want friendship, but if I'm completely honest I wanted more, wanted a companion to share this life, wanted a partner, I just feel that opportunity is gone.
It really comes down to trust, funny how that exact topic came up in a coffee conversation with my fellow club member today, a club we never wanted to be a part of, yet here we are. He asked me what is the most important thing in a relationship. My answer, friendship, for him it's trust. We decided we both meant the same thing. Alas, I digress, MarÃas still influences my entries Trust. I don't trust you with my heart any more. I leave out details. I do my best to think before I speak or text in this day and age, I've always tried to do that, not wanting to hurt feelings with words I share or be misunderstood. In the here & now many times my mind says, he doesn't need to know that; where as before when I trusted you with my heart, let all the defenses down with you, that phrase of he doesn't need to know that never crossed my mind. That's what hurt the most, still does if I'm being completely honest, this place more than any other lets me do that, be honest. I can still hear & read your words from my memory, I'm not angry, just hurt & confused.
What would you call her if you were still here? You have been gone longer than she has memories of you. That brings tears to my eyes and opens the chasm, the hollow that has tried to swallow me so many times. I suppose it's a blessing and a curse,
Fuck, I just realized our cat knew you longer than your princess, that is fucked up. Again I digress, I hear something, see something and my mind just goes to a place of you not being here. I'm trying not to be swallowed.
A blessing and a curse, she does not have a hallow that threatens to open and swallow her, a debilitating presence that makes her go numb. It's been five years and five months. I suppose I'm being hit by a wave, but not really. It's hard to explain. Some times I think it would be easier to drown and be swept away, but that whole strong thing keeps me grounded for better or worse.
Tomorrow will still come.
Miss you handsome man.
take care.
