It's Saturday and I sit outside on my deck enjoying this beautiful day in May. This is the day you proposed to me, for the life of me I can't remember the year. 1999 or 2000. I think it was 1999, it doesn't really bother me, though maybe it should. I remember all the details of that day, it was a Tuesday the day before your pay day. It definitely threw me off. You had asked me to go out to dinner with you, made plans a few days before. I almost took a shift at work, but I didn't because I told my co worker that my boyfriend made plans for us. I'm so glad I didn't take the shift. We went to Mondo's. I had my favorite, chicken marsala and you had salad. That really should have been a dead give away something was up. Little did I know you had fixed it with the waiter, had a plan and everything. You palmed the engagement ring to him and I had no clue. We were having a lovely time as usual, just talking and enjoying each other's company. Then the meal was over and we were waiting for the offer of desert. I saw the waiter come out with something on the tray on fire. I said to you, oh I wonder if that is one of those deserts lit on fire, "is it called a flambe?" then I changed my mind and said something along the lines no, it must be somebody's birthday, how sweet. Then to my utter surprise the waiter stopped at our table, candles on a small desert, you next to me on one knee proposing. I don't even remember what you said, I was just absolutely happy. I'll never forget that day. We had an early dinner, it was like 4 or 5. You even asked me to drive, you were so nervous as I later found out. I remember driving home, just driving really, on cloud nine. Not sure where we were, just happy.
I learned today that five years can be a big deal for some people. I thought it was just me being silly. My grief is not silly it's real. It's proven to be too much for one. He even said I loved so deeply that's why I grieve so deeply. I don't want this grief to be an obstacle, but it's part of who I am, who I have become. I'm still in a selfish mode it feels. I'm trying to utilize my experience to be helpful to others, I should say I'm trying to learn to do that. I still get angry when I hear about cancer survivors, that's terrible I know. I still get a bit sad when I see couples enjoying themselves together, I get very sad when I see dads and daughters playing frisbee. It's been five years. I thought there was a new chapter, there was a new chapter it just didn't develop into a full blown story.
Super K said something the other day, I told her about the promise you made me recite. I don't need to search it out, just be open to it. That makes sense. I think I only began because I was tired of being alone, emotionally and physically. She also made some purchase recommendations and told me a great story about Chuckles. She's been a good friend even when you were sick she was there. I'd call and just ask for a joke, she knew. I also have another friend that's been there, a friend before I even knew you existed. As a matter of fact it was this friend that helped me choose what path to take, the path that led me to IA. I guess you didn't realize that, you were never a fan, probably because of my college crush that lasted over a year on my end. After some strong encouragement from a mutual friend and I finally got the courage to express myself, it was done in a matter of minutes. It was brutal for that young girl, but it was honest. Funny it was then I decided I would be okay if I stayed single for my life. Looking back that was silly, I was very young, 24 in fact, and I decided a single life would be just fine. It was only then when I wasn't really trying things started to happen. I guess I take that back just a little. I remember meeting someone on line, yeah even way back then, not sure how it all happened. Any way I had already met you and you and I were friends, just amazing friends. That's how we started. We spent entire nights just talking. Me on the couch you on the orange velour chair, up until 2am talking about our fears in life, our hopes in life. I remember to this day you saying at the tender age of 25, you were not afraid to die, you didn't want to be alone. I think that is why at the end of your life I made sure there was always someone there if I couldn't be there myself. Any way I digress. You and I were amazing friends, I think that is so important for any relationship, well a relationship that is important. Little did I know you were developing feelings for me. As I said somehow I had this date with a guy, you were over as I was getting ready. I was going to wear tights, it was October and I was already getting cold, so I asked your opinion on which pair to wear. Ribbed or regular, you said ribbed for his pleasure, I think I gave you an eye roll. You had feelings for me then and I just didn't realize. Later on the multi-cultural night we would dance and it was the most natural thing, we were completely in sync. I'd never felt that before and I really have not felt that way since, we were on the dance floor and just moved together, we anticipated each other's moves. It was that night I realized you were the one. I know that sounds so hokey but it is absolutely true.
A friend of mine said he likes what he sees in the mirror, that got me thinking about what I see. That's why I feel I'm still stuck in that selfish mode. I have to accept that there is a very good possibility I will be alone. That wasn't my fear when I was young, that was yours. I don't remember what my fear was in my twenties. Our daughter is what got me out of bed every day, all those days you were not here. The days I didn't want to get out of bed, the days I didn't want to be. I'm not there anymore, I have meaning beyond our daughter, meaning in people I help, volunteering, work. Even that was a bit too much for one. I am who I am, trying to not be selfish, trying to accept the possibility.
I love you handsome man
Here's to possibility.
take care.
