I'm sinking, drowning, don't know what to do.  I don't want to be a debbie downer to others enjoying their holiday.  I'm tired.  I have no motivation, no energy.  I wish I could just sit in my room and just be by myself.  I have obligations, promises to keep.  I have to fake life with a smile. It hurts to smile.  I really don't want to do this any more.

Invisible

Invisible is how I would describe myself in social situations, that's when I get the courage to actually be in social situations.  I just want to give up and stay in my house, stay in my room and stare at this screen.  I think that is something I want to do, just lay low and let the world go by, no one will notice if I'm not there.  I can just withdraw into my invisibility, melt away.

empty

Mahler

I miss you handsome man.  I heard some beautiful music by some exceptional musicians.  You would have loved it.  I miss holding your hand.  

take care

‘farewell, o companion’

One of my favorite tales in Ovid's Metamorphoses is that of Philemon & Baucis. I went looking for the book you bought, the book we got after we watched the play adapted from Metamorphoses. I came across some notes you wrote to me.  Notes I haven't seen in years.  One written in September of 1998, we'd only known each other a month and our friendship meant so much to each other. I  found others, a note you wrote when I was pregnant and I was taking an exam that would determine our financial future and your words gave me comfort & no matter the outcome we would be fine because we are a team.  Other notes with latin and greek phrases.  

I love you handsome man.  I miss you so.  Thank you for showing me so many beautiful things, teaching me love, being my friend, my partner.  

talia tum placido Saturnius edidit ore:
‘dicite, iuste senex et femina coniuge iusto
digna, quid optetis.’ cum Baucide pauca locutus
iudicium superis aperit commune Philemon:
‘esse sacerdotes delubraque vestra tueri
poscimus, et quoniam concordes egimus annos,
auferat hora duos eadem, nec coniugis umquam
busta meae videam, neu sim tumulandus ab illa.’
vota fides sequitur: templi tutela fuere,
donec vita data est; annis aevoque soluti
ante gradūs sacros cum starent forte locique
narrarent casus, frondere Philemona Baucis,
Baucida conspexit senior frondere Philemon.
iamque super geminos crescente cacumine vultus
mutua, dum licuit, reddebant dicta ‘vale’ que
‘o coniunx’ dixere simul, simul abdita texit
ora frutex: ostendit adhuc Thyneius illic
incola de gemino vicinos corpore truncos.

-Ovid's Metamorphoses 

8.703 - 8.720

Kindness all around.

What a difference.  These last few weeks have been difficult and just the last few days have been nearly unbearable, it went from agony to emptiness to nothing.  You know the phrase misery loves company, well I got pulled down further and further.  I came across two individuals having issues of their own.  One I tried to help and just couldn't, no matter what I did or said it just didn't matter. I ended up letting my shield down a little and shared a bit with this individual, not a whole lot of detail, just something a little more personal than I normally would.  This all took place with the anonymity of the internet.

Another that came up, a very dear friend struggling with depression, I was already at a very low point and just couldn't help or couldn't even try.

 The first person I tried to help and let down my guard with, responded later and the words were for so full of meaning &  kindness.  It really turned things around for me, it made the rest of that day fall into the good category.  I also was uplifted by my students, our daughter included.

Today has been so good, I did something nice for someone else and it always feel so good to give kindness.  So far today is in the good day column, I work today and believe it or not that usually helps keep that column full.


I so love you handsome man and still miss you like crazy.


take care

learning

Another day is done, another day without you, 569.   Yesterday was so wonderful, today not so much, they are both gone now.  Our little one missed you a great deal today.  As a matter of fact I was planning to do something for me tonight & I couldn't, she needed me instead.  That's twice I've tried to do something for myself, something to recharge or at least identify with others.  Both times failed, the first was of epic proportions.  Please don't think I'm upset with our daughter, I'm absolutely not, she has a gift I wish I possessed.  I can ask her if she's alright or if she needs me to stay with her and she has the smarts to accept help & she can also ask for help.  That is still something I can not do, or at least it's something I'm working on to learn.

After our venture out tonight we came home and she chose to write in her journal.  She told me she really misses you and she wrote how she needs to see you & hear your voice.  I suggested we watch a video of you and she jumped at the chance.  She even knew exactly which one she wanted to watch.  I couldn't find it, I looked and looked and just couldn't find it.  I kept clicking on menus and finally it came up.  We both laughed and remembered. You were so full of joy and so happy in these videos. She felt better & went to sleep with a smile & a healing memory.     As we watched I alone noticed the date stamp & did not share this with her.  It was exactly one year before you left this world and our lives.  One month before we knew your diagnosis.

I'm not going in the direction I want to go.  Things are happening and I don't like it.  I'm not cooking, I'm not exercising, I was doing so well, making progress.  Stopped. No energy, no desire.  If I could I would just stay in our room and just lay here.  I'm so tired.  I crave darkness.  I want this to end.  I am so lost without you.  I am so tired and in this terrible fog.  I don't see what's ahead for me and I can't even move through it to see forward.  I'm stuck.

I wish you would show me you haven't left me, just a little something.  I know that's not scientific and there is no evidence for such things and it's not anything you put stock into.

Please help me.