learning

Another day is done, another day without you, 569.   Yesterday was so wonderful, today not so much, they are both gone now.  Our little one missed you a great deal today.  As a matter of fact I was planning to do something for me tonight & I couldn't, she needed me instead.  That's twice I've tried to do something for myself, something to recharge or at least identify with others.  Both times failed, the first was of epic proportions.  Please don't think I'm upset with our daughter, I'm absolutely not, she has a gift I wish I possessed.  I can ask her if she's alright or if she needs me to stay with her and she has the smarts to accept help & she can also ask for help.  That is still something I can not do, or at least it's something I'm working on to learn.

After our venture out tonight we came home and she chose to write in her journal.  She told me she really misses you and she wrote how she needs to see you & hear your voice.  I suggested we watch a video of you and she jumped at the chance.  She even knew exactly which one she wanted to watch.  I couldn't find it, I looked and looked and just couldn't find it.  I kept clicking on menus and finally it came up.  We both laughed and remembered. You were so full of joy and so happy in these videos. She felt better & went to sleep with a smile & a healing memory.     As we watched I alone noticed the date stamp & did not share this with her.  It was exactly one year before you left this world and our lives.  One month before we knew your diagnosis.

I'm not going in the direction I want to go.  Things are happening and I don't like it.  I'm not cooking, I'm not exercising, I was doing so well, making progress.  Stopped. No energy, no desire.  If I could I would just stay in our room and just lay here.  I'm so tired.  I crave darkness.  I want this to end.  I am so lost without you.  I am so tired and in this terrible fog.  I don't see what's ahead for me and I can't even move through it to see forward.  I'm stuck.

I wish you would show me you haven't left me, just a little something.  I know that's not scientific and there is no evidence for such things and it's not anything you put stock into.

Please help me.