PBK

Your Phi Beta Kappa mailing came today.   Your brilliance known by those among us fortunate to have known you is no longer here.  It made me think about a future where S. will no longer have this street and numbers claiming it's residence.  A time when others will use this street and numbers to claim paper and mailings.  That someday will come and those that inhabit this house will know there was once a man named Mr. R.R.S. who was one of the smartest in his realm because this mailer will still come marking your brilliance.  I can't even put words together right now to properly describe it.  You did not search out to be Phi Beta Kappa, if I recall you were nominated by a professor and you were so humbled by the offer and then by the acceptance of your application by this organization.  You were always one of the smartest people in the room, if not the smartest and yet your way with people was so amazing.  You made them feel at ease and gave them their shine time, you never overshadowed or let on how much was truly going on in your mind.  You understood people's limits and never showed it.  This must all sound so arrogant, but you were not.  Your character was far from arrogant, confident yes, but not arrogant.

There was a sales call or something or other for you today, I lied and told them it was the wrong number.  I guess in a way it wasn't a lie, you after all no longer live here, though mail comes with your name on it and more disheartening mail come without your name.  No more Mr. & Mrs. from places that matter.  

Days of late have been better, I'll glance at your picture and I'll be okay.  This sounds so terrible but it's like I don't think of you all the time anymore, as I put this in the forefront of my mind I just feel so guilty.  I do love you so and I miss you so much even still.  I do think of you every day, I just feel like I'm forgetting and I don't want to, but it holds me back, holds me back from what I do not know.  There is nothing, I exist, I exist for our little girl.  She wants to find a cure for lung cancer and she wants to end racism.  I encourage.  I see you in her.  She has a good sense of direction and she has your sense of humor.  She can even make fun of herself to some degree.  Her wit is getting quicker with each day.  She is my favorite person. 

I love you handsome man. 

take care