Some things I've realized, just recently. When you first left this world, just like our little girl it's hard for me to say die or dead. I did say it in my last post, but yesterday is gone. As I was saying before I went into Marias mode, I can't do everything I'm so overwhelmed. At the moment I'm overwhelmed with life, not emotion. I just can't keep up, I haven't really cooked for nearly ten days. Some of that is because of work schedule and other is because I don't have the energy to plan. I'm not a good spur of the moment dinner maker, I'm not a good dinner maker as it is. When I take the time to sit down and plan what I'm going to make it's kinda fun, I pick recipes, try different things. I don't have time and I don't make time because I just want to do nothing. I don't know if I becoming lazy or what. The laundry is a disaster, I'm just so behind, not to mention the status of my house, it's an absolute mess.
This is what I'm not going to do, I 'm not going to beat myself up about it. I'm struggling with the house right now, it's always tough when I work 12 hour weekend shifts. I feel better. I'm considering a cleaning service, is that a failure on my part? No it's not! I'm just concerned about finances, I can make it work I just don't want to set myself up to fail with money. If I just have to do dishes and laundry I would feel so much better & not overwhelmed. Your princess can definitely help with those tasks as well. She already knows how to load the dishwasher, I just need to make it more of a habit. It's not that she's not willingly to do it, I just haven't been cooking or telling her to do it.
Ok, next topic for you my dear, yesterday on our way home from WI, yes we went to WI for ice cream. It was a great day all in all, well all things considering. I think I did a much better job of balance yesterday than I did on your birthday. Christmas and your birthday were extremely difficult. Easter was no picnic either. Even though you were not religious those were very hard days for both of us. Easter you were the one that always came up with the rhyming clue hunt, granted last year I did it and it took us to see you in the hospital and with the help of your Dad she had an Easter egg hunt at the house and even a mini hunt in your hospital room. It was the very next day you went into hospice care, I still think of that as the day I killed the hope. I really shouldn't do that. I've not mentioned this to our little girl, but she does something similar on her own accord, I did not put the idea in her head with my words or actions. Please know I am so careful not to let her see me truly struggle as I do. I'm so tired of everyone telling me it's okay to let her see me cry, I know that and we do cry together sometimes. We did yesterday, (see what I did there I noticed my Marias coming back so I brought it full circle) we started the day without an alarm clock. The day before I worked a 12 hour shift and both us stayed up a little later than usual. She was torn, didn't know if she should stay up until midnight to be awake on the anniversary of your death or just go to sleep. I told her why don't we just read and see what happens. She gets so anxious and tells me she's confused and doesn't know what to do, that's when I just make a decision and she feels better. It makes me wonder if I should not give her choices or options as often as I do. So we read and we fell asleep with thoughts of Percy Jackson and of you of course.
We had cracklin oat bran for breakfast. We left the house about 11am and went to your favorite bookstore. We spent most of the time in the kids section and flashes of your surprise party just haunted me there. After she made her selections we went across the street for a vanilla latte and vanilla steamer. That was the drink you made for me the first time we ever laid eyes on each other. Ojos del mar you would later say. We found two comfortable chairs tucked in a corner and we read, she from one of her selections & I from my current read. After a bit we were the only ones there so I felt comfortable enough to read the next chapter of Percy Jackson with out disturbing other customers.
Again we crossed the street and went to a seafood place for lunch, ordered a half dozen oysters to start. We did get a little sad at the restaurant and she remembered other trips there and pointed out different tables we sat there in the past. The place was fairly quiet, our waiter was fantastic. He was humorous and got us both laughing. I left him a 50% tip and a nice note thanking him and letting him know why we were there. We finished lunch and we were sitting there thinking about you and I gave her a choice about going home or going on an adventure. I was not ready to go home. At first she said she wanted to go home and then I said something like are you sure and she changed her mind.
We got in the car and headed to Stillwater.
more to come.
I love you handsome man.
take care
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