light & dark

Time moves forward.  New lives begin on this earth and come to an end.  It is spring, a time of new life coming out of the darkness of winter.  Your life ended in spring and mine became darkness, not how it's suppose to be.  Time cruelly moves forward taking my memories.  Memories of my finger tips caressing your face feeling that soft skin of your cheek and then your rough stubble as my fingers glide down to your chin.  Missing your embrace & resting my head on your chest.

I'm having trouble remembering you before you were sick.  All my memories are of the last 11 months of your life.  I'm trying to remember times of our life before your illness.

There was this one morning we were living in San Diego and I made coffee for us, I forgot to add the coffee, so I made hot water.  We tried again, the second time we forgot to put the carafe under the coffee maker & had coffee all over the counter.  We cleaned up the mess and went out for coffee.  It became a running joke "how many Smiths does it take to make coffee?"

You kept me calm and grounded, I don't know how to do that on my own.  I'm trying, struggling really.  I try to think what would you do or say when I get anxious about things I can't control.

I am so tired, but I don't want to lay in bed and let myself sleep.  This choice is not smart, life is so much more difficult when I'm tired, my thoughts and feelings just bring me down, yet I still choose to sit here.  I would also really like to start running again.  I always feel so good after I run, I think it would be good to have some time to myself.  That's what this is now, time by myself; maybe that's why I choose not to lie in bed.  In our bed our little girl sleeps, she feels closer to you because she sleeps where you slept.

This bed was a circumstance of your illness.  You never got restful sleep in this bed.  Your last week you lived in this house you slept in a chair in our living room. The living room, the room in our house you spent your last days living.  A living room we painted "lettuce alone green" with high gloss purple beams.  You slept in the chair & I on the couch next to you.  Our bed lay empty as you struggled for comfort & sleep.

I will crawl into that bed and close my eyes, it's spring, into the light and out of the dark.


I love you handsome.

take care